This topic contains 122 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by ele4phant 5 months ago.
- February 10, 2019 at 4:19 pm #830453
This doesn’t sound like a marriage. It doesn’t even sound like you two are roommates. I’d seriously consider a divorce and an immediate call to social services. Your mother in law cannot be left alone all day, and I’d be concerned there may be legal or criminal consequences for you when (not if) she kills herself in a fall or accident. Seriously, talk to an attorney immediately. Often attorneys who cover divorce cover other areas of family law and should be able to advise you on both issues.
Even if your mother in law died tomorrow, would you be able to get over the hurt of the past 20+ years and have a good relationship? I doubt it. And how your wife is handling her mother’s care is unconscionable, even if she was abusive. She needs full time care and your wife is going to be responsible for her death. This situation needs to change now, as in today. Talk to an attorney this week.February 10, 2019 at 4:35 pm #830454
This level of negligence is elder abuse. Call social services and get a divorce yesterday. You should go to therapy to figure out why you would just throw up your hands about this for almost thirty years.February 10, 2019 at 5:03 pm #830459
I’m getting real poor-me-helpless-victim vibes here, and I don’t like this shit about, “the counselor told my wife she’s wrong, haha,” and this nastiness toward a helpless old lady with dementia, no matter how much of an ass she may have been when in her right mind. That’s not ok. Neither is her being left alone all day. I feel like there’s a lot you could have done to live a better life, Mike, but you sat back instead, feeling angry and nasty and resentful, and it’s so unhealthy for everyone involved. I don’t like anything about this.February 10, 2019 at 5:34 pm #830463
If you don’t call social services, eventually her lawyer or doctor will. You need to take accountability here – you can’t just stand by and say – well I told my wife she was getting old and needed more care.February 11, 2019 at 3:59 am #830509
Katie – agreed.
You seem to have a seething hatred for your wife, and absolutely no respect. This latter may be mutual, but the former is dysfunctional as hell and I have never encountered a couple need a divorce so badly for reasons outside DV.
She’s made her decision. Go to Paris. Get a lawyer. Get a divorce.February 11, 2019 at 7:17 am #830514
I have a very different take here – your MIL has abused your wife for years. You put up with it. You put up with your wife essentially running her mother’s business without taking any paycheck. You put up with her putting her family second to her mother. You helped create this pattern and as her mother needs more and more support – your wife is locked into this.
Now that you’ve had a change of heart, perhaps due to your heart attack, you expect your wife to join you – all while she’s trying to deal with her abusive and controlling mother who is clearly in need of many services and can’t take care of herself. So your wife is caught between selfish person one (her mother) and selfish person two (YOU).
If you go to Paris alone, you won’t enjoy it as much because you’ll be thinking about your wife, who should be there. And she’ll be just as resentful. Remember, she’s watching her mother lose her mind and with every day, she’s hoping that her mother will say “thank you” (she won’t) and when she comes home from work and dealing with her abusive mother she’s hoping you’ll say “thank you” for all that she does – or at least “i love you” and here you are planning a trip to Paris, without her.
I’m not saying your wife is doing the right things – not by a long shot. If I had my druthers, you MIL would be on major mood stabilizers that work with dementia patients so that she’s less paranoid and anxious. She would have as much full time care as medicare would supply filled in with private care.
But really it sounds like you’re kicking her when she’s down.February 11, 2019 at 10:08 am #830524
I’m not sure what you mean by selfish. I don’t receive anything from my wife, not even her time. It’s been steadily getting worse over the years. She’s not going to Paris because she’s got to be with her mother. She could get an aid but refuses. Well she doesn’t speak for me. I am the center of our household. After work I take care of all the cooking, cleaning,laundry and kids homework. My wife comes home, eats the food I make and runs to momma. I’m not a servant. I expect her to put me and the kids first. She doesn’t.February 11, 2019 at 10:12 am #830525
And when I give her advice she and her sister tell me it’s a family matter and to mind my business. My wife really has burned her bridges with me. I stay because 90%of the time the court awards the kids to the wife. Two of kids are 22 and 20. Youngest 10. You think I can live without my children then you’re crazy.February 11, 2019 at 10:21 am #830526
Ok so you’re done with the marriage. But you’re staying for the sake of one kid who’s a minor and will be for 8-12 more years. But you’ve washed your hands of any responsibility or intention to fix things with your wife, and you’ve decided from your one counseling experience that she’s wrong and you’re right and that’s it. I mean if this is the case, who cares, go to Paris and why feel guilty?? Maybe bring the kids. At least the adult kids, why not?
So I think it’s pretty shitty that you’ve given up on the marriage and won’t leave, but also won’t make a real effort to fix things with your wife. If there is any chance you’re sticking this out just to get the inheritance then I’m really side-eyeing you.February 11, 2019 at 10:23 am #830527
The court’s not awarding adult children to anyone, Mike. If they want to be in your life they will, regardless.February 11, 2019 at 10:23 am #830528
Talk to a lawyer before assuming you wouldn’t get custody. These things vary a lot.February 11, 2019 at 10:47 am #830529
I’m guessing a lot of this resentment is because you almost DIED and she still is focused like a laser on her mother. I would resent my partner for that, too. Divorce, man. You clearly can’t live like this. Who would want to? You gave her 20+ years. No more.
Your 10-year-old is old enough to decide which parent he/she wants to live with, and your other two kids are adults. That’s not a good reason to not divorce.
Your MIL will die eventually, and your (ideally ex) wife will wake up one day, old and in need of care herself, and realize she’s got no one left. She’s made her own bed. It’s sad. Once you’re free, you will probably pity her.