Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

True Love

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  • #874792 Reply
    avatarLexie Starr

    I don’t even know how to start this….I was in love with a man for 5 plus years. He wasn’t my first love. My first love was way different. I consider this man my one true love. We stayed together despite the fact we wanted two different things at the time. He had a family already and was divorced. I had yet to have a family of my own and desperately wanted one. I ended up cheating on him and getting pregnant. I knew I was 3 months pregnant the last time I saw him. I knew it would be the last time seeing him and I could not bare telling him. I desperately wanted to. I was nervous the entire time I was with him…I just kept telling myself to act normal and then disappear….which is exactly what I did. I disappeared. I ignored all phone calls, all text messages, all emails. I even moved. I regret this horribly bad because I very much loved him. I was deeply in love with him.
    He found out where I lived, and showed up 2 days after I delivered my baby and I got home from the hospital. He sat outside my house for hours pleading with me to come outside….he still did not know and I still did not tell him. I ignored him. I begged him to leave.he randomly sent me flowers for months. He randomly sent me cards and other gifts. I felt like such a horrible person. I couldn’t deal with what I had done. I ended up marrying the father of my child.
    I still think about my one true love daily…I mean daily…all the time. I’ve always wanted to explain myself. I’ve always felt hurt by what I did. It wasn’t the kind of person I am but I did it anyways. I always hope I run into him somewhere, but I never have. I think about contacting him just to explain myself, but I know if my husband were to find out he would be extremely angry….and I wouldn’t blame him.
    It’s not that I don’t love my husband I do. It’s a different kind of love, sure. I just have never stopped thinking about my ex. I’ve never stopped thinking about what I did. I don’t regret my family or my son. I regret the way I handled it.

    #874793 Reply
    avatarRuby Tuesday

    You have a child. If you ever feel overwhelmed by your feelings, talk to your doctor. Remember your child is what matters most now.

    #874798 Reply

    You need to deal with it. You treated him so badly…. I don’t understand if you live someone how you were able to do what you did. Leave him alone

    #874801 Reply

    It was not that good of a relationship if you could not be honest with him. And after five years together. You also knew the relationship was going nowhere. You took the cowards way out and you should reflect on that. Do better next time.

    #874802 Reply

    You are using language that people who are trying to escape responsibility use. It’s called minimizing. It’s “not the kind of person you are”. Actually, it’s exactly the kind of person you are. You made sustained choices for years, over and over, first to cheat on this guy enough to get pregnant, then to ghost him after 5 years, then to continue to ignore him and refuse to give him an explanation despite him literally begging for months on end. You made the choice over and over to treat him horribly and watch him suffer rather than simply admit what you did. I repeat, this is exactly who you are. This was not a small, one time mistake. It’s also incredibly obvious you want his forgiveness because you “feel sad”. You want to be forgiven, you want him to understand, maybe even see if there’s still something there. Im not saying you’re an irredeemably bad person, but change can’t come until you admit you have a problem. There’s a level of selfishness and cruelty that needs to be addressed.

    Get therapy. Work through why you did these frankly really terrible things, and work to forgive yourself. A counselor can help you do that, as well as make decisions about how to change for the better in the future. Seriously, counseling is a great tool and will help you work through all of this. Do not contact this man, don’t bring him more pain.

    #874803 Reply

    Was there a question in here?

    #874804 Reply

    You need to leave him alone and do better in your life. Put it behind you and be a good mother. Focus your energy on your new family. And yeah, counseling would be a great idea. Why would you treat someone you love that way? That is something deep down that needs to be addressed. Your life is not all about you anymore. You have a child now, one that is at the mercy of how you behave. You have to focus on your child. You have to do what’s best for your child.

    To repeat-
    You have done quite enough to that poor man. Leave him alone.

    #874809 Reply

    Public Service Announcement:
    Anytime anyone uses the words ended up, as in
    “I ended up cheating”
    “I ended up pregnant”
    “I ended up marrying someone”
    “I ended up leaving school”
    “I ended up shaving my head”
    “I ended up moving to France”

    … that person is not taking responsibility for active choices he/she made all. along. the. way. Not just one choice, but a whole series of choices that led to that particular situation. Everything you did was conscious, LW. He’s outside in your driveway, and you refused to talk to him!??! Come ON. And now you want … what exactly?

    #874830 Reply

    You behaved very badly. You cheated and then you lacked the courage to admit your error and even communicate with your bf. And now you want contact with him? Just no! You put him through hell. Don’t be so unfair as to pursue him now. All you can do is learn from this and do better in the future. You’re married now. Don’t also fuck over your husband. Regret the way you handled your relationship with your ex in silence. If you must vent or you need forgiveness, talk to a therapist or a priest. Your ex doesn’t deserve to carry your load for you.

    #874858 Reply

    Just want to add – your should dispense the notion of “one true love”. That kind of thinking is going to provide you a nebulous “out” of any relationship you’re in. It’s not a thing. Here in this situation it is providing you with a shield in which you can be somewhat distant to your husband.

    If you did get back with your ex, that itch that you had when you cheated on him would not go away. You’re looking for one person to fill all needs of your life by clinging to the notion of One True Love and it just isn’t going to happen.

    #874860 Reply

    Leave the guy alone.

    Imagine for a moment if he did this to you. That he said he loved you with all of his heart, but he got another woman pregnant and ran away with her and married her.

    H think you want what you don’t have. Period. That if you have something, it’s not good enough so you need more. I think you will never be happy with your life and will always be running away to the next thing.

    Leave him alone. He doesn’t need your chaos.

    #875095 Reply

    It sounds like you’ve had a difficult situation, OP.

    You’ve put him through a lot. He doesn’t know about the cheating and pregnancy, but in his eyes, you dumped him out of nowhere and refused to have him back. Yes, an explaination would have been kinder at the time, though finding out about cheating would still have been really painful for him. As it is, you left him to deal with the pieces on his own.

    I won’t blame you for what you did. Cheating is wrong, and disappearing isn’t the best way to handle things. But it sounds like you have your own issues – perhaps anxiety, given that you struggled to own up to what you did or deal with him afterwards.

    The problem is, time has passed. For all you know, maybe hes’s moved on with his life – he’s probably tried his best to put the pain behind him and may have someone else right now.

    If you come back to him, you’d have to finally come clean about cheating on him, getting pregnant, and then getting together with that man. Are you really prepared for how he might feel about that? He may not be prepared to take you back, and might not take kindly to your revelations after these years. People don’t always like old wounds being reopened. So think carefully about what you hope to get out of it, and how it might make both of you feel. I have a rule based on personal experience: never open old wounds with other people for ‘closure’ – it’s selfish and hurts the other person and yourself. I’ve been on the recieving end of people from the past contacting me years later to talk about things that were best left alone, and it didn’t really help anyone, so I’d advise you to think carefully. Sometimes you just can’t fix the pain you caused someone in the past. It’s done. And whilst it hurts that you did something bad, you have to live with that fact and move on and focus on doing better in the future.

    You also say you married the guy you cheated with – are you happy? Do you love him? If you love another man, would your life be better if you leave your current partner and find yourself? Your ‘true love’ (I don’t believe true love exists; we can love more than one person in our lives fully!) won’t take you back you may still be able to find love with others, but it sounds like you need to work on your own life as well.

    Looking back at your message to check, you say you love your husband differently and dont’ regret your family. So why, then, the urge to revisit the past? If you really are happy with your family, then focus on moving on, and learning lessons from how you behaved in the past. Your previous behaviour was self-centred (focused on your shame and distress), and even when you hurt others was focused on your feelings about that. That’s OK but in the long run you need to think about other people’s feelings, too. How would your husband feel if he found out you were still ruminating on the past frequently, or planned to dig it up?

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