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Dear Wendy

Trying to figure out who my partner is

Home Forums Advice & Chat Trying to figure out who my partner is

  • This topic has 9 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 10 months ago by Lisah.
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  • #1097340 Reply

    We’ve been dating for nearly 2 years and live together. To this day I sometimes still have trouble navigating the relationship and who he is as a person.
    Often, I think we’re really similar. At other times I don’t even know if we’re from the same planet.
    So, my partner. He is good to me most of the time, but we all have our shortcomings. He’s a very sensitive person, and a chronic over-thinker. I often feel I’m walking on eggshells around him, he gets jealous and a bit insecure. On the other hand, he’s also my best friend. But damn, sometimes I want to use the word “toxic” when describing things he does. Sometimes if I’m not in the mood for intimicy or sexual stuff, he will carry on and on until I give in. If I say he is too pushy about it, he acts like I’ve hurt his feelings. He is forceful about stuff like that, not physically but emotionally.
    I can never let him down easy, it’s always this grand standing where he thinks I’m rightfully his property and so what’s wrong with having expectations. It makes me really uncomfortable.
    He treats me with the utmost kindness and respect, until he doesn’t. Then he can really be an awful person.
    Sometimes it’s like he bites at my ankles until he’s satisfied, and I have a really hard time with setting boundaries so this gets pretty exhausting.
    What kind of person is he? I need to know so I can find the right advice about how to deal with him and his confrontational behaviour accordingly because this makes me so anxious. I feel like I just sleep all the time now because I just feel so drained of all resources, it’s loke he always needs something from me and I always need to prove myself and that I love him.

    #1097343 Reply

    He is the kind of person who does not respect your boundaries in one of the most important areas of a relationship. The kind of person who will push and push until he gets what he wants without caring about your feelings. Imagine you were hearing from someone you really care a lot about that this was happening to them- wouldn’t you be angry and sad on their behalf?

    #1097344 Reply

    There is also the distinct possibility is that crossing your boundaries is what he really likes. To be honest, what with that and the possessiveness, paranoia and jealousy, he sounds like a stinker and if I were you I’d bail out on this.

    #1097347 Reply

    He sounds horribly manipulative. I don’t see how he can be a good guy and also pressure you for sex. The feeling that you must walk on eggshells around him is also a manipulation tactic.
    You wrote “I feel like I just sleep all the time now because I just feel so drained of all resources…” Do you really think a healthy relationship should feel like that? It shouldn’t.
    I agree with Hazel, you should bail. I know it might be hard because you live together but you should start trying to find a way out.

    #1097348 Reply

    I know who Your partner is. I’m baffled You can’t figure it out.

    NEWSFLASH: He’s a fucking asshole.

    #1097349 Reply

    So, you actually don’t need to understand what kind of person he is/what’s wrong with him/why he does that. That can get you stuck for years trying to figure it out, and it’s not important. The only thing that matters is can you live like this. There’s not some code you’re going to crack where you figure out how to deal with his shitty behavior and no longer have to walk on eggshells, feel pushed, manipulated, uncomfortable, exhausted, anxious, and drained. It doesn’t work that way. He’s just a bad partner for you, despite the fact that he’s not *always* awful. He’s still awful.

    The answer is to leave. If you’re like, hell no, I can’t do this, I want to figure it out, I recommend you read a book called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay,” by Mira Kirshenbaum.

    #1097351 Reply

    You’re walking on eggshells
    He doesn’t respect your physical, emotional or mental boundaries
    You feel he is toxic
    He coerces you into sex. He doesn’t let up until you give in. I understand he’s not violent, but if you look up the definitions of rape – that qualifies.

    It’s not your responsibility to figure out how to make him treat you better. It’s your responsibility to determine if this is good enough for you. If you can deal with this for another 2, 5, 10 years.

    I know you love him but ultimately he isn’t treating you kindly or respectfully. That’s not love.

    #1097356 Reply

    Jesus. What!? He’s a jerk, that’s who he is. A manipulative jerk. Coercion is not respect. Call a domestic hotline before you move out. Yes, it’s that bad. Crikey.

    #1097358 Reply

    MOA, there’s nothing here for you and you can’t make something worthwhile out of nothing.

    #1097385 Reply

    Sexual coercion is rape.

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