Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Trying to help

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  • #860393 Reply

    Let’s call that person D.
    D has been suicidal, very much so. I have been trying to do things for them, anything I can think of, to be there. But D is going through contradicting stages, most of which involve pushing me away. I didn’t give up no matter how D behaved, telling myself that they were just in so much pain and hurt. I was there when they were describing how they would harm themselves. I have heard horribly painful things, I have no idea how I managed to listen to them at all.
    However, I ended up being mentally abused over and over again. My words were turned around, I was constantly blamed, my intent was twisted around. It was way more than all the mean things and behaviors I have ever had to deal with in all my life. I gave up on myself completely. I stopped attending to basic needs of mine, stopped doing anything I liked, withdrew from everyone else.
    What should I do? What am I supposed to do?

    #860395 Reply

    D made it seem like everything was my fault, like I was always the one making stupid mistakes over and over again, I was told to kill myself

    #860396 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    You are never responsible for someone else’s misery. Please get as far away from this person as you can. This relationship/friendship is not healthy for you.

    #860398 Reply

    If someone is abusing you, telling you to kill yourself, telling you you’re stupid, etc., you need to remove yourself from the situation. Tell them you care for them and would never want them to harm themselves, but you also can’t stand by and be abused. If they threaten suicide, call 9-1-1.

    #860401 Reply

    Why were you so persistent in sticking by D no matter what they said or how they treated you? You should stop putting yourself at risk for someone who is abusive. If they threaten suicide, call 911. Block their number. Make an appointment with a therapist and research how to set boundaries. You can’t cure someone’s mental health issues by being a friend.

    #860517 Reply

    Is this the same D from a month or so ago who was abusing his girlfriend A, and the LW had stuck by D and was insisting he had changed? If so, we all told you, repeatedly, that D had not changed and to drop him from your life.

    If this isnt the same, then please get away from this person immediately. You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. If he threatens suicide, believe him and call 911. You are not a treatmemt center or a hospital. Cut all contact and be very, very careful- call the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to make a plan to get away. If you feel you must call his parents or someone in his family and tell them how suicidal he is, but please get away from him immediately

    #860523 Reply

    You can’t help someone through a mental health crisis by being their doormat. Its gross and abusive, but manipulative people will threaten suicide to gain what they want from the people they’re abusing. How do you know if they’re serious or not? You don’t. Call 911 every time. Don’t try & talk them out of it yourself. You are not trained in this. And 3hrs of your attention could be what D wants. D is bad for you & your life. He’s abusing you. Doesn’t matter if he does it because he’s in soooo much pain he can’t help himself (eyeroll)

    #860541 Reply

    When someone is pushing you away you should go. Hanging in there where you aren’t wanted isn’t good for you and in this case is actually very harmful. You can’t fix someone who wants to treat you badly. All you can do is give yourself enough space that they can’t harm you.

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