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Dear Wendy

Unstable environmnet_Dating advice: Early 30s’

Home Forums Advice & Chat Unstable environmnet_Dating advice: Early 30s’

  • This topic has 28 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 6 days, 1 hour ago by Anonymousse.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 29 total)
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  • #1116925 Reply
    blacksheep
    Guest

    Hello wonderful people,
    I am 31 (almost 32 ;)), I moved to a different continent (Europe) for job. I will be working a year in France and another in Spain so it’s a two year work contract. After this I am not quite sure where I will be, I am sure of what kind of job I want but “where” is quite variable. Although the variable “where” part stresses me sometimes it’s also the part that excites me about my career/job. So, now with all this going on I am very hesitant to start meeting people to date, as most people of my age might find it hard to cope with my moving or have difficulties trying to see themselves in the uncertain future I have. Last year when I was in my country I used dating apps to meet people and things were going well with this one guy (just chatting) and suddenly I withdrew myself from leading it any further as I knew about moving to Europe soon. I seriously do not know how to have the “difficult conversation”.
    Also planning things quite ahead of time makes me feel trapped so I have always been like this (ex. not knowing what will I be in 5 years). But now I feel pressured a little (on and off) from my parents and people around me as I have been single for 3 years now.
    My point is how to communicate with people I meet (might) as my environment feels temporary and it’s going to be like this for next couple of years for sure. I feel like I am depriving myself of the opportunities to meet people with all these thoguhts. I am an introvert and I am definitely not going to meet anyone in my living room. So I need to make efforts.
    And also I am pretty aware of what my romantic relationship should look like so I would rather be single than compromise on some “non-negotiables” I have.
    I appreciate any suggestions/comments to make me think clearer!
    Much Love!

    #1116928 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    To clarify, you tried dating apps in your own country and didn’t get past “talking” stage? Did you go on any dates?

    And also to clarify, you’re open to staying in Europe?

    I definitely think you have self-imposed paralysis where you’re jumping right to “ideal relationship” with nothing in between like “meet for a drink or coffee and chat.”

    #1116929 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Absolutely self-imposed. You and your date will ask questions and some of those questions will be about your job and how you ended up in another country. It is at this time that you explain that this is a temporary assignment and you’re looking for companionship but since you’re only here temporarily, it can’t be anything serious.

    Then, when your date has had a moment or two to absorb this information, as well as evaluate whether or not you guys are vibing, they will determine whether or not they want to see you again. You will do the same thing. No point in dating someone who’s an asshole right?

    You’re making drama out of nothing. Some people will be thrilled for a brief fling.

    #1116931 Reply
    blacksheep
    Guest

    @Kate
    Yeah, I never went past talking stage. Never went out for a coffee/beer date with anyone since my break-up. My previous relationship was of 8 years long-term relationship so I almost forgot how to begin one.
    And yeah, I like Europe and if I have an opportunity I see myself living here.
    Yeah, I find the initial effort and small talks quite boring and I say to myself “what’s the point” which is really bad I know.

    #1116932 Reply
    blacksheep
    Guest

    @LisforLeslie
    May be I am over-thinking it. I should go out and try to meet people before making my preconceived notions of what they might say/think. I want to realise that I made drama out of nothing so to get out of this bubble.

    #1116934 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    You’re over-thinking it. You need to see someone in person and chat to find out if there is any chemistry.

    What’s a waste of time is prolonged “talking” or messaging or texting. Don’t do that. If you feel like there’s any potential, you need to quickly meet up.

    You can’t get to a relationship without vetting someone out in person.

    #1116935 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I would try to stop overthinking “I’m not sure where I will be in years, so I cannot date or make friendships with people now.” Telling someone you’ll be moving soon, although it may be difficult to you, most people understand that people move. Regardless, you are there now, you like it and hope to stay. What is to stop you from dating or making friends with anyone? You are free and single to do as you please. So do it. You don’t have to warn people you might not be able to be there forever. Most relationships end up transitory, meaning they don’t last forever. It’s the rare thing that lasts.

    I really don’t understand why you have zero interest in small talk. I understand you have only texted and maybe chatted and actually never gone on a date? I can see how it gets annoying and mind numbing to h9 over the basics but maybe take a break if you find yourself becoming bitter about it.

    Are you even interested in dating? To me it doesn’t really seem like you are, just that you think you should and your family is pressuring you. Do you have friends where you are?

    #1116936 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    Do you actually want to date or do you feel like you should because of the pressure from your parents and others? That detail stuck out to me so I’m here to say that if you truly don’t want to date, you don’t have to.

    I agree your situation sounds self-imposed, but IMO when people preemptively come up with reasons why they can’t/shouldn’t date, there’s often something deeper going on. Would you also avoid making other types of connections (i.e., deep friendships) because you may not live somewhere longer than a year?

    ETA: One of my cousins lived in France and Germany for a few years when he was in his early 30s. He knew going into that experience not knowing how long he’d be abroad, but he still lived a full life out there. He made great friends, dated, and even had two longer term girlfriends. He did not meet his forever partner there, though he was open to the idea that he might.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Avatar photoCopa.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Avatar photoCopa.
    #1116939 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Do you have access to counseling through your job? Based on this and your other posts (falling for your landlord/roommate, sexist friend) it might be a good idea, just to help feel better about not knowing exactly where you’ll be in two years.

    I mean no one knows, for sure. You can make all the plans you want, but sure- you meet someone and change all your plans to stay in Europe and get married, or you love your job and neighborhood you land in and decide to make it permanent, or a horrible health incident happens and you change your plans completely. There’s a saying, make plans and for laughs or something. Life happens. The only sure thing you can count on is change. Embrace the idea that you can make friends, a community and even romantic partners without having to know exactly what the ending looks like.

    Or see a counselor to talk about your feelings about that. The feeling of uncertainty is holding you back, but you chose that.

    #1116940 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    *god laughs

    #1116941 Reply
    blacksheep
    Guest

    @Anonymousse
    I think you were able to see through me, may be I am not into dating (yet) becuase from past experiences or what I have seen around me dating (having a partner) felt like “restricting” (like it would stop me from doing certian things). And I can not know my free will in this subject as I can not disregard the pressure which has always been there (I did not let it get me most of the time but it was there).
    I have two of my “best friends” in Europe (but they live in neighbouring countries) and we talk often (chat daily), make travel plans together etc. One of them is getting married next year (guy from the conversation with my guy BF post) and other one is living with her boy friend (knowing it is not a forever thing). I am slowly making friends in France now which means the uncertainty part doesn’t stop me from making deeper connections (friendships) may be because I think/known that long-distance friendships are not hard. I think I would like companionship.
    I am not saying I despise small talk but I haven’t met many whom I find interesting to go past that step and the ones I did did not reciprocate so it’s draining.
    I think “Life is what happens when you make other plans” is similar to what you said and I totally dig that.
    About falling in love with my flatmate, I am getting good at pretending and disregarding my feelings for/towards him. Although it’s getting harder as he is becoming more vulnerable and comfortable discussing things with me now. But thank god I don’t feel the urge to fix/save him, I just listen to him. He is a “friend” now.
    I am trying to find a therapist but it’s being hard because of the language issues.
    Reading all the comments and listening to my best friend, it does look like I was over thinking it.
    Thanks a heap!

    #1116942 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    For sure you do not have to date if you prefer to be completely single right now, but also keep your mind open to just having fun. A date doesn’t make a relationship.

    That said, if you want kids, you may need to be acting with some sense of urgency.

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