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Unwanted guest problems!!

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by bittergaymark Bittergaymark 3 months ago.

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  • #738863 Reply
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    Feeling_horrible

    First off, sorry for the long rant.I have got to get it out.Around three months ago, I came home to find, the manager of our property sister on my couch. She had a pile of clothes and had asked my husband if she could stay with us for a while.They had a falling out and she needed to find a place for herself. I was unhappy from the beginning: #1 I was not even included in a big decision in my place. #2 no ground rules or end dates were mentioned. #3 I have 3 kids, a husband and myself. She makes 6 in a two bedroom place #4 I’m a sahm. My husbands having problems finding work. She is 65 years old and has no job, car,or income.we are drowning ourselves and don’t have the money for another person. She is nice and trying to help out cleaning and with the kids, but that’s my job. I fully understand she is trying to keep busy and useful. If I pull the clothes out the dryer put them on the couch and walk away to close the door she is doing the clothes when I turn around. Every move I make she is literally following behind me. It’s too many hens in the hen house. She makes comments to me like,”I live off the generosity of others.” We have passed month 3 now. I have been very agitated lately and not been as good a host as I should be. My love life doesn’t exist. I have no privacy. The other day she was following behind me closing all the doors behind me as I’m trying to clean my car out. She can clearly see I’m getting upset and I hear her laugh as I walk away from my task to get some space. little comments about me cleaning again (in her defense i have been spring cleaning for the last couple of weeks.) I feel like she is watching me and judging me. Calling my kids her babies and she loves them. It was like she was happy and amused she was aggravating me. The next day my dh asked her if she is was going to get in the car so he could take her to apply for social security. She ask if she has to he tells her yes. She walks outside and disappears. Later as he see her he ask again. She tells him she wants to think about it. I flip my lid( she wasn’t around) screaming she should have done it the day she landed on our couch. At this point I’m wondering what she is running from #1? I also feel like she never planned on leaving in the first place and we were played. A week later he asks her again she refuses to go. So we had to ask her to find somewhere to go quickly because she CAN’T stay here any longer. Now she is acting like the victim to all our friends like we are just throwing her out. Am I being too selfish I mean you can’t help someone that won’t help themselves but I feel like a piece of crap. Sorry, thanks for listening to me.

    #738885 Reply
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    JD

    Your property managers sister? So did you even know this person prior to moving her in???

    #738998 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I couldn’t read that wall of text – are you getting a discount on your rent because you are “hosting” an unwanted guest? Have you talked to your property manager about when this woman is leaving? Is it expected she stays until she decides to leave?

    Are you in the United States because this is all sorts of wrong and I can’t imagine this would fly in most countries. It definitely does not fly in the US but the longer you let her live there, the more likely it becomes an agreement and not a “favor”.

    Get on the phone with the property manager and get to the bottom of it now.

    #739089 Reply
    PanicPenguin
    PanicPenguin
    Member

    Firstly, I think there has to be some background information missing. Your “property manager’s sister” winds up couch surfing in your 2BR home and your husband just says okay to this stranger? This person is now “acting like the victim” to your friends? So she knows your friends socially? I feel like a puzzle piece is missing here that may sort out these interpersonal relationships and explain how she ended up at your place at all.

    That said, your husband made a decision without consulting you and it has had a negative impact on you (and presumably your mental well being). Have you sat him down and discussed why he made this decision and how much you have been effected? If not I recommend you do. At the very least you need to decide, together, where to go from here. Set an end date for her to move (in 4 weeks, on a specific date, whatever you both decide). Stick to the date. After you and your husband tell her your decision (he doesn’t get a pass on this conversation he absolutely should be there and take the lead) don’t leave it open to discussion. Don’t engage in conversations about it with her; be polite but firm.

    This person is not your responsibility. Your husband offered to take her to the social security office and she declined. She needs to be the one to sort her life out. That may seem harsh, but you are already raising three children and you cannot be expected to also provide for a 65 year old woman.

    If you believe there is some reason she cannot work or take care of herself (mental illness, perhaps) then please reach out to your property manager and/adult services and explain the situation. There may be an agency that can help her.

    I can appreciate that you are worn thin and are feeling angry (with your husband, this woman, perhaps the property manager). Try and find your calm (dig deep, really deep) when having these conversations. Anger or blowing up will continue to feed her martyr syndrome.

    Lastly, is her name Blanche? Living off the kindness of strangers?

    #739147 Reply

    My question is, “WHY IN THE HELL DID YOUR HUSBAND AGREE TO THAT?”. Like what is getting out the deal? He already knows that y’all’s resources are limited, so why agree to have her live there.

    Also, you don’t have to passively live with this. At the 1 week mark, you could have told her that it’s time to move on to somewhere else. It’s.been. 3.months! Why haven’t you talked to your husband or at least told her that she needs to leave? You’re not obligated to take care of any grown ass woman who’s not your family.

    Put your foot down, and tell her to leave. Where she lives is NOT your concern.Then find yourself a job, so you can financially protect yourself & the kids because your husband has shown a shitload of poor judgment. Don’t rely on his decision making skills regarding your financial future.

    #739150 Reply
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    K$

    Pack her stuff and set it outside. Tell her I am sorry but I never agreed to this and it is not working. Then tell your husband that if he EVER makes a decision like that again without consulting you HE will be the one moving out.

    #739154 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Is your property manager actually your mom (or your in-laws maybe since it was your husband who said yes) and you don’t want to tell us because you know we’ll advise you to not rely on your parents if you don’t like their rules?

    Otherwise, this woman is nothing to you, right? So kick her out. Or move somewhere else with a reasonable property manager who won’t foist his relatives on his tenants.

    ETA.. And what’s this nonsense about acting like a victim to your friends? Because I would have no problem telling my friends outright that a random woman has taken advantage of my kindness and lived on my couch for 3 months and that was long enough so I asked her to move out. I would not feel the least bit guilty or like I have to hide that.

    #739155 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Also, if my husband ever did this, I’d kill him. Forget moving his stuff outside, I’d be moving his body to the curb.

    #739160 Reply
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    va-in-ny
    Participant

    It’s been over 3 months. You’ve been MORE than generous. And, I do see that your husband has tried to get her out. He needs to keep doing that. If it were me, I wouldn’t care what she says to your friends. If they are your actual friends, they will understand that you have done far more than what was necessary. You ask if you’re being selfish. No, you’re not. My advice to you is to BE MORE SELFISH. Why aren’t you putting your own needs in front of this horrible woman’s? You should be.

    Your husband needs to give her a deadline, stick to it, and be firm. The fact that she is making you feel like this IN YOUR OWN HOME is reason enough to get this woman out of your lives, immediately!

    #739165 Reply
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    Sarah

    Are your husband and her having an affair and you are planning on making her a sister wife or is she related to you/him. Because I cannot for the life of me understand how you would have let someone you don’t know stay the night with your children. Much less live with you for 3 months at the very most you should have called her a cab the next morning after she got there and sent her to a homeless shelter. You were already past capacity with 5 people living in a 2 bedroom apartment. You need to get yourself together you can’t afford your 3 kids but you took in a stray adult to take care of. And you need to figure out what is wrong with your husband for letting another woman come and stay at your house and what is wrong with you for letting her stay.

    #739170 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Typically, I think people on here often really go overboard with jumping to the affair theory. And yet with THIS letter — as crazy as it sounds it is vaguely plausible. Why else would the husband just let somebody else move in?!

    #739172 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I think SpaceySteph nailed it: this is an in-law problem.

    I really don’t understand how anyone would let a complete stranger stay with them unless there was some financial arrangement, but even then…
    This reminds me of The Muse, but not entertaining at all.

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