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Urgent Help, How to tell a girl you're not interested

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #795407 Reply

    Hi all,

    I’ve rushed to make this account hoping for all the advice I can get. A new girl arrived at work, and I was in charge of inducting her into the office. I gave her a tour of the workplace, and the local area, as she moved into the country only two days before. She’s quite a smart girl so I’ve been bouncing interesting ideas off her from the books i’m reading, all was quiet on the western front.

    I’m 19 years old, and she’s been through university already, I think she’s 24, but I feel this besides the point. I am very happy and in a different relationship which has become long distance. I have told the new girl that I’m in a relationship a billion times, and I keep mentioning it to try to hint her away, but she just seems very into me.

    I’ve been told I’m a good listener and whatever and I think perhaps I was too friendly to begin with, but she’s been inviting me to her room to “watch Lord of the rings because I can’t believe you haven’t seen it”, and now she’s inviting me for drinks this evening and a day trip to a nearby city, which is quite a romantic central European city. She’s quite attractive, and we do get on very well as colleagues, but I am not interested romantically and especially am not interested in betraying my girlfriend.

    So what can I do? I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving her in a new country with no friends, but my god I’m not going on a day trip! Especially being in a long term relationship I need to get rid of this fast. But it’s a small office – Has she guaranteed this will be awkward?

    #795409 Reply

    You aren’t responsible for her. Here are some things you can say when she asks you to hang out:

    “No thank you.”
    “I’m not interested.”
    “Not for me.”
    “Sorry, can’t make it.”

    #795411 Reply

    Say “I am not interested. ”

    #795427 Reply

    You should consider that these overtures are friendly rather than romantic. Men and women often have very different ideas of what’s flirting and what isn’t. Beyond that, ‘sorry, I can’t make it, I’m busy, I’m too tired’-whatever excuse feels good, lather, rinse, repeat.

    #795429 Reply

    The only one of these invites that seems like it could be romantic to me (or at a minimum an activity that would be a bit boundary-crossing for a platonic friendship when one person is in a relationship) is inviting you to her room for a movie night. The rest could easily be platonic since she doesn’t know anyone. Anyway, you are not responsible for her. If you keep declining (“Sorry, can’t, I’m busy”) she’ll eventually stop asking. You could also tell her you prefer to keep your professional relationships limited to the office.

    #795430 Reply
    Bacon Mistress

    Invite her out and then stand her up. That usually works.

    Haha! Just kidding. It isnt your fault she cant get the hint. Just say “I have plans” to every invite she throws out. It doesnt matter if your plan was to sit in your boxers on the couch and stuff your face with Cheetos. Those are plans. Eventually she will stop asking.

    #795439 Reply

    Go watch Lord of the Rings with her. I haven’t seen it since it was in the theaters and I am interested in seeing if it hold up.

    #795441 Reply
    Northern Star

    Fyodor: It definitely does. Peter Jackson loved the material and knew exactly what he was doing, and it shows.

    JeandePG: How about inviting this girl to a pub or whatever when you’re hanging with a bunch of your friends? Then she can meet more people in your area and you’re not stuck in a one-on-one date-like situation.

    #795442 Reply

    You might also try “I already have plans with my girlfriend” as a casual way of indicating that you are already in a relationship.

    But as juliecatharine says, these may not be romantic gestures. I know when I was a new employee in a new city where I didn’t know anyone I was always looking to make friends or have anything else to do. Maybe you can invite her to something social and obviously not romantic (and invite your gf too) and see if she is interested.

    #795446 Reply

    Thank you for your responses. I couldn’t invite my girlfriend because we’re long distance over the summer while she’s had to be abroad.

    Thank you juliecatherine, I suppose none of these things are explicitly romantic, and she may well be (albeit after only a few days) looking for platonic friendship, but taken as a whole and with some other comments i’m quite sure there’s something else… but I could just be overthinking it.

    I told her that I need to get the greenlight from my girlfriend to be able to go with her, and i asked (thanks for the advice!!) if it would be okay for a couple of my mates to join us. She’s seen the message half an hour ago – but no response.

    Fine by me! J

    #795455 Reply

    Just because she asks doesn’t mean you need to say yes. It is pretty easy to say that doesn’t work for me but especially if you think she has a romantic interest you need to say no. Things you can say that are polite but say no.

    That doesn’t work for me.(No explanation of why it doesn’t work)
    I’m going to Skype with my girlfriend tonight. (Reminds her you have a girlfriend)
    I’m tired and don’t want to go out.
    I’m looking forward to unwinding alone.
    I already have plans.

    Try to bring up your girlfriend in conversations so that you keep reminding her that you already have a girlfriend.

    #795477 Reply

    Do you actually want to go? Because if not, don’t imply that you want to by saying that you have to ask your girlfriend or bring friends along, unless you truly would be fine with it if those things happened.

    Like the others said, keep turning her down. Based on your description, it’s hard to tell how explicitly you’ve said you’re not interested so far. You talk about “hinting” that you have a girlfriend. Hints are not the same as telling someone you aren’t interested. Especially if she’s just trying to be friends — then hinting that you have a girlfriend isn’t going to be relevant to her invites.

    If you are explicitly turning her down and she keeps on, then just say that you aren’t interested in hanging out outside of work. Or say that you’re uncomfortable with watching a movie together alone or traveling to a romantic city with her because you have a girlfriend.

    It’s not your responsibility to be her friend. I know you’re trying to be kind, but it’s a little condescending to assume that you NEED to be her friend if she doesn’t have any. Surely she can become friends with other people. But in your life, you’re going to be plagued by people asking things of you over and over that you don’t want if you don’t get better at expressing your needs clearly.

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