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- This topic has 15 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Anonymousse.
4 months ago I met a guy online and we had a date which went quite well. I was only in town for a few months to help out with a sick parent so told him this, aware nothing serious would come of it. We continued to date, meeting up every week, texting all to time.. and soon started having sex. I could feel my feeling growing and could feel things getting more serious. I didn’t communicate this as I knew I was leaving town and it wouldn’t develop. We texted nearly everyday and meet 1/2 times a week going on dates, hanging out. It all is as going along so easily and nicely. Come October, my dads scan results wasn’t looking positive. So I considered staying longer and started looking for 8/9 contracts to work from my home town for a while. I then began to wonder about my love interest. Will this continue now that I’m staying longer? We hadn’t told each other we liked each other or met each others friends even though we had consistently being seeing each other for 3 months. I rang him and said.. I’ve liked you since the start and it has a developed a bit so I was wondering was he seeing other people… he was flustered and said he liked me and could feel things getting strong but was saying this with not much confidence. He said he hasn’t been dating anyone else and hasn’t thought about this. The next day he rang me and said his feeling aren’t strong enough to be exclusive and things ended because we aren’t on the same page. The conversation ended amicably. I now feel totally used. It’s clear to me he must have just been enjoying the non committal sex even though he wasn’t seeing anyone else. God this just feel awful! I’m annoyed he was acting so coupley with me and I don’t believe he ever like me even though he kept this going for 3 and half months. I disappointed because it’s been so long since I liked someone and confused because he would have just continued this if I said nothing. I’m feel quite angry now. I usually the nice, reasonable ex but I’ve never felt used for my body before so I’m not reacting well to it. I want to send him a message explaining that he acted a lot more intensely than any friend with benefits should … and if he felt things getting more serious, and he didn’t actually like me.. he should have said something. Is there actually any point in sending this message?? I mean I would hope it might teach him how to act with Girls in the future but I might also come across a crazy ex! We are in our early 30s, when does this shit get easier???KateGuest
No, don’t send that message. It will have no effect other than making you look unstable.
I don’t see any wrongdoing here on his part. You told him you were in town temporarily. You weren’t looking for anything serious. You didn’t communicate anything different when the relationship turned sexual, so he got the message that you were cool with a temporary, non-serious sexual relationship. How would he know any differently unless you had said to him, look, my policy is not to get sexual unless the relationship is serious and committed?
When you did tell him your feelings, he was quite transparent with you. I think he was being truthful, he liked you enough to hang out once or twice a week and have sex, but didn’t see you as a girlfriend, or see a future. Which, as far as he knew, neither did you.
If you only want to have sex in a committed boyfriend relationship with a future, then you should only have sex in that scenario. That would mean discussing where you both see the situation before having sex.PassingByGuest
There’s nothing wrong with feeling upset, but he did nothing wrong here.
You said up front that this wasn’t going to be anything serious and he believed you.
People can do couply things in a casual relationship. He did not mislead you in any way from what you’ve told us.
You offered him non-committal sex . He enjoyed non-committal sex.
I think you may want to consider that casual relationships aren’t your thing.AnonymousseGuest
I agree with the others. You shouldn’t go looking for casual relationships if you’re not a casual person. You should have stopped when those feelings started or said something then. I don’t think he used you for sex or didn’t like you. He’s only started seeing you and told you the truth of his feelings, he likes spending time with you and having sex and doing “coupley” things but he cannot commit to an exclusive relationship with you.
Don’t send the message. You can’t ask for casual and then get upset when your feelings grow and his don’t. I know you feel hurt and rejected and I feel your pain. I know it’s not easy. I’m sorry for that. If it helps at all, we’ve all been there.
I understand the feeling of wanting to date while in town caring for your parent etc, but maybe even he was thinking of his feelings? Why start a relationship with someone who doesn’t actual live in his area? Or maybe he just enjoys non string relationships, period.AnonymousseGuest
I am not saying this only to you, but a lot of people act coupley during casual relationships, because they like that feeling, but still want casual. I have read a lot of posts from disgruntled people upset and mentioning this. What is acting coupley? Holding hands? Because I think if you’d never met each other’s friends, that’s a big sign it’s nothing serious and isn’t leading there at all.KateGuest
The other thing that stands out besides not meeting friends, is you each never said you like each other.
When a guy wants to be your boyfriend, he’s bringing you to things with friends. He’s telling you that he likes you and that his feelings are getting stronger. Now, if you said up front you don’t want anything serious, he may not do those things. It’s going to be your responsibility to let him know your feelings have changed, and check in with him about his feelings. Which you did eventually and that was great! I understand your feelings, though.ktfranParticipant
It does hurt when you develop feelings for someone and they don’t share those feelings. It sucks and for that, I’m sorry LW.
I wouldn’t text him what you want to text him. As others said, he didn’t do anything wrong. You two were hanging out. Enjoying each others company, including physically.
He didn’t lie to you though. And he didn’t use you for your body. You both had the same mindset going into this. Yours changed. His didn’t. That’s really the only thing that happened here.CopaParticipant
Not to pile on, but I agree with everyone that this man didn’t do anything wrong. I’d not send that text.
Mostly I’m chiming in to say that just because he doesn’t want to be exclusive, doesn’t mean he didn’t/doesn’t like you. Maybe a year before I met my boyfriend, I met a guy online. I was looking for an LTR and initially really excited about him, but I realized a couple months in we didn’t have long-term potential. We dated for about six months never discussing exclusivity. (Had he brought it up, I’d have ended things not unlike the man you were seeing.) He was a really nice, good guy. We acted couple-y and hung out with friends together. I liked him and remember him fondly. We just weren’t a long-term match.
I know rejection feels bad and if you’re sad this didn’t work out, that’s okay. But try not to internalize this as more than it was. It’s not a reflection on you or even whether or not he liked you.
If you’re going to stick around this new town helping take care of your sick father, it may not be a bad idea to make some platonic friends. Caring for an ailing parent sounds like a lot and I’m sure it’d be nice to have people to relax and have fun with.ronGuest
Own your decisions. You also were using him for sex and to have some companionship and social life for what you expected to be 3 months and gone, never to talk to him again. That was the primary rule for your dating and it was set by you; he accepted dating you on those terms. You could have declined sex, you could have had a relationship status discussion first. Hell, you could have told him you were considering staying more than the three months you originally told him.
After you set the rules and you and he followed that path for nearly 3 months with no indication from you that your feeling and wants had changed, and while you were still dating, why did you choose to have the ‘surprise, I want to be exclusive in a serious relationship’ discussion by phone instead of in person? That was bound to drive the discussion side-wise.HazelParticipant
I think Copa’s reply was just spot-on.Especially the last paragraph.Kitten324Guest
Thanks for the response. I do think a little time is helping me put things in perspective. I don’t feel so used now … the rejected mind isn’t kind, putting not so nice scenarios in my head. I did want something casual at the start and it did develop. I’m annoyed I let it develop but I’m human 🤷🏼♀️ Im happy I brought it up now instead of waiting a few weeks. I’m also glad I didn’t send an irrational message to him now. He didn’t do anything wrong, it just didn’t turn out the way I wanted in the end. I do feel a bit uneasy that it all ended over the phone. I would like to see him in person just to fully kind of close it. Would that be okay to ask? The town is small so if we don’t meet up I’m worried about awkward encounters.KateGuest
No, there’s no reason to meet up. You’re not on the same page, you said above. You each want different things. There’s no need to talk face to face. If you yelled at him and were nasty, you could message him to apologize and wish him the best.