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Dear Wendy

Valentines Date

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  • This topic has 11 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by avatarBittergaymark.
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  • #1030573 Reply
    avatarVicky
    Guest

    I had been dating this guy for 4 months, I am the type who likes to take things slow! I truly believe good things take time. This guy asked me to be his valentines on one of our date nights and he asked me in person with some flowers. I was truly surprised and I felt extremely happy about the flowers. Even if we’re both 24 and valentines might be silly at this age the gesture really meant a lot to me, and I felt super special. Valentine’s Day comes and it’s going great, he planned the whole date and was very romantic. We had a couple of glasses of wine and then he proceeded to take me home. While we’re about to start driving we lean in for a kiss and that kiss turns into a make out. He turns off the car and continues to make out with me, the he attempts to put his hand up my shirt. I immediately stopped him and told him I was ready to go home, I know he noticed I was upset and he was attempting to apologize while he was dropping me off. I was completely quiet during the drive and the only thing I told him was “ I don’t have anything to say to you right now”. I was extremely hurt, because I had expressed to him how it’s difficult for me to be affectionate and how I really want to hold off on having sex. Once he dropped me off he continued to text me and call me, I was not responding because I was still very hurt. He mentioned how he got caught up in the heat of the moment and how he wouldn’t put me in a situation like that again even if it meant that he couldn’t kiss me anymore until I felt comfortable around him again. I wasn’t ready to talk to him just yet but I returned the call and I was talking out of my hurt perspective and I told him to leave me alone. I told him that I didn’t picture us coming back from this because it hurt me that he would try to do something like that, knowing that I’m not comfortable with being overly affectionate. He told me he was very broken to hear me say that I couldn’t give him a second chance, and I just told him to no longer contact me and I hanged up on him. I proceeded by blocking him on social media as well. It has been two days since we had that call and he has not tried to contact me. I truly was developing feelings for him and I do miss him. I think the reason why I I felt so strongly about the issue is because I truly had high hopes for the relationship. Deep down I’d want him to try and contact me one last time so I could give him a second chance, but I’m not sure if it will even happen. Any thoughts or advice are welcome, thank you in advance.

    #1030574 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Obviously, you don’t have to have any physical contact you don’t want to have, but was it so wrong of him to try to advance to the next phase? He immediately stopped and profusely apologized after you said no. After 4 months in an exclusive relationship I don’t think it makes him a bad guy for wanting sexual contact. Which you’re very uncomfortable with. Have you explored why physical affection is so hard for you? Is there trauma that you need to process? Read about asexuallity and see if it resonates with you. There are plenty of guys out there who are uninterested in sex, who you’d probably more compatible with.

    #1030576 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    You’ve been dating for 4 months, had several glasses of wine, were passionately making out, he “tried ” to put his hand up your shirt which I assume means he moved that direction, and then immediately stopped and apologized profusely when you said no. He also respected your boundaries once you told him to leave you alone. I’m certainly not trying to condone unwanted contact, but unless I’m missing something I’m not at all sure what this guy did wrong?

    You told him you’re uncomfortable with being overly affectionate and want to “hold off” on sex, but the guy waited 4 months to even try to make a move to second base. Were you really clear and explicit about what “holding off” and “overly affectionate” mean to you? Did you ever discuss your specific boundaries? I’m asking because those phrases can be vague and confusing, and I can see a guy thinking he’s respecting your boundaries by waiting 4 months to even approach second base. To a lot of people that is taking things very, very slow. I agree with Helen – something else is going on. Trauma, asexuality, etc. A lot of guys are going to want to have sex, or at least move that direction, after 4 months together. You need to be up front and really explicit about what you want and don’t want. I would encourage you to contact this guy to tell you him you overreacted and apologize (again unless I’m misunderstanding and he ignored clear directives from you), because I think being cut off and blocked for perfectly normal behavior was probably really confusing and upsetting. But you two aren’t compatible, and that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be touched in any sexual way and you certainly aren’t alone there. Time to find someone whose views on sex match yours.

    #1030579 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    You’re making this guy jump through hoops / testing him, meanwhile not clearly communicating at all. This isn’t okay. Let this one go, and work on yourself. Work with a therapist to figure out what you really want (and what you’re afraid of) and how to communicate this to people you date.

    He was not at all out of line to try to go to what we used to call second base (first?) after 4 months of dating. Most people would not consider that “overly affectionate” or “sex” or “moving fast.” And then he stopped when you said to, apologized, etc etc. And now you want him to somehow sense that he should actually reach out to you even though you told him not to. What’s going on with you that you couldn’t just have a straightforward conversation with him about this? Like, if you want to give him a second chance, then YOU needed to spell out for him what that would look like, what you’d need from him, and even that you’re open to it. Jeez.

    #1030582 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    You seem to have boundaries that you are not articulating at all. The biggest stand out for me is that you expect the guy to make the first moves, but if he moves too fast then you’re done. He kissed you, you kissed him back. You had a whole long make out sesh – no problem. He went for a boob and you freaked the fuck out.

    If you don’t want any physical contact, then you should state that clearly from the outset and that any physical contact will need to be initiated by you. Perhaps you should date asexual but not aromantic people.

    #1030583 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    LW, I’m hesitant to phrase this as you giving him a second chance. That implies he screwed up or did something wrong to blow the first chance and I just…don’t think he did? Again, unless you were crystal clear that no touching below your neck could ever happen, a decent, adult guy wouldn’t think they were upsetting or violating their partner by going for a breast during a heavy make out session on valentine’s day 4 months into a relationship. As soon as you gave a signal you weren’t up for that he stopped immediately and apologized, which is what a good guy should do.

    I think not communicating, and then blaming and ditching him means he’s giving you the second chance just as much, or more. But again – it’s clear you two are not sexually compatible, and I agree with Kate you need to take a step back, figure out what you want, and learn to communicate that up front really explicitly to potential partners before you date again.

    #1030584 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I agree with others that there is absolutely nothing inherently disrespectful about his wanting to touch you after four months. If you are asexual or traumatized, you need to be very explicit that any sex, of any kind, is off the table. It simply isn’t fair to the other person to withhold that information, because many many many people like sex and see nothing wrong with it.

    Putting the sexual stuff aside, you are waaaaaaaayyyy out of line on the way you’re handling this.

    You blocked him on social media and told him never to contact you again, and now you’re upset that he’s respecting that? He apologized profusely and repeatedly, and you wouldn’t budge at all? Please do NOT call him up and give him a “second chance” (he didn’t do anything wrong!) until you get some clarity on your sexuality AND some help on articulating yourself to others.

    #1030586 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Putting his hand near your boob after four months of dating during a make out session is taking things slow.

    I think you’re behaving pretty immaturely. And it’s not because you don’t want affection- it’s because you aren’t clearly telling him what you want, you told him to stop contacting you but also want him to contact you. That is playing games. From what you wrote, he actually behaved very respectfully. And he’s apologized and asked to try again. That speaks to his character. I’m surprised he’d want to considering how you are being vague and unclear, how you went nuclear and want to write him off after one instant of normal make out groping that you didn’t like.

    It’s okay if you don’t want affection, but you need to be crystal clear with potential partners what that looks like to you, and you should probably not date people who do want affection.

    If you have issues with trauma, you should seek therapy.

    #1030590 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    @goler.gal I think she should contact him and apologize too. I agree with everyone else. Your reaction was over the top. You didnt respond well and continued to not respond well. Either something traumatic has occurred in your life that you need a psychiatrist or you need to be taking some sex education with a sex therapist due to maturity and lack of education issues here.

    #1030591 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Yeah, you should apologize to him, even if you don’t want to date him anymore.

    #1030604 Reply
    avatarbrise
    Guest

    You have issues, really. You seem to be living in a fantasy world, waiting for a knight in shining armour. And for you, liking someone is playing games, torturing each other. I don’t think that you like him for himself. You like the attention, the courtship, the romantic dream, as your Valentine narratives shows. Let him go. I wouldn’t recommend you to apologise to him. It will confuse him a bit more and you will look silly. He saw that you are not ready for a relationship.
    A next time, be more natural. BUt if you can’t and react like this, simply you are not so into the guy. When you are really attracted, it just happens.
    It was an experience in your dating life. Let it go.

    #1030607 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Stay single. Cut this poor guy loose. You are wasting his time.

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