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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Was I the problem with our failed relationship?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Was I the problem with our failed relationship?

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  • #1099230 Reply
    twindragon
    Participant

    My ex and I broke up about a month and a half ago after a 9 month relationship. She didn’t see a future with us because she didn’t think we’d make each other happy. She said she was madly in love with me which made it hard for her.

    One of the reasons she stated was that she wanted to travel to Portugal with me and live there for 3 months. I have a daughter and felt it was too soon because I hadn’t done a trip with her in a while and plus 3 months away from my daughter seemed like a long time.

    Another reason is she felt I had no future goals. At the time I was just going with the flow. A business venture of mine had failed and I was just happy to be working and didn’t really think about goals at the time. I also hadn’t dated in a very long time because I was focusing on my business.

    So after the breakup I was sad I also thought my ex was sad because she said she loved me so much she even said she was sad.

    But after the breakup she immediately joined tinder. And I find out she slept with 2 ppl in the span of 3 weeks. I get that some people grieve the loss of a relationship differently. But it hurt.

    I confronted her about it which I know I shouldn’t have and asked was our relationship so bad that you moved on so quickly. I didn’t think you’d move on this quick.

    She told me that she loved me throughout the relationship but she couldn’t get past my narcissism and selfishness and realized that I would always come first and after trying so hard she was done.

    So now I’m at a loss. Because I’m far from a narcissist. I can be lazy sometimes and forgetful. I also suffer from anxiety. I’ve done sweet thoughtful things for my ex on countless occasions. There was a few times I put off doing certain things because I was busy with work. I don’t want to have this go too long so I’ll leave it there. I can post specific things that we argued about later but for now I just want to understand why someone would feel this way when it’s just not true?

    #1099231 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    Who knows if she really feels that way or if she’s just trying to make you feel bad? It doesn’t matter either way.

    Y’all are broken up, so stop looking at her tinder or finding out things about her or even talking to her. She’s in your past now, and she gets to date and sleep with whomever she wants. She is your EX, therefore all of that is now none of your business. Don’t try to “be friends” or listen to what your mutual friends have to say, etc.

    She sounds a little unrealistic — three months in Portugal? Living on what? — so it’s hard to say what’s going on here. But the solution is the same regardless: go no contact so you can move on.

    #1099236 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    It’s over, you have to move on. It sounds like you wanted different things and are at different stages in your lives. You are more tied down than she wants to be. It’s not clear what goals she wanted you to have.

    In any case, how important a relationship is to a person cannot be measured by how long they stay out of the dating pool, following a breakup. Many people react by not wanting to be alone. Also, she probably was considering a break for a while, before finally deciding to pull the trigger.

    #1099237 Reply
    twindragon
    Participant

    I’m just having a hard time understanding the things I supposedly did wrong. Calling me a narcissist when I’m clearly not a narcissist. I get that breakups happen and you’ve got to move on but she made it sound like there were tons of problems caused by me and started to play the blame game and didn’t account for her own issues. It’s for the best really because why would I want to be with someone who can’t even communicate their issues in a relationship and try to fix them. Never apologizing for things that they did. Like one night she wanted to go out drinking and I felt sick and had a headache. Instead of understanding this when she got drunk she called me berating me saying mean things to me. Thinking I was partying. Instead of apologizing she said “but you said you were going to come out” I said maybe if I feel better. That’s no excuse to act that way. Or saying my twin brother is a total loser and thinking that In the future he will need to live with us because he might not have a job. Then me asking her to stop calling him a loser because he’s my brother and I love him. But she didn’t even care about that. She’d smoke when I told her my mom died of lung cancer. Things like that.

    #1099238 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Well everyone is the hero of their own story. So she had to find fault with you, real or not, so that she could justify her decision.

    Look up BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder – I’m not diagnosing her, but her behavior sounds a lot like someone who jumps into a relationship with both feet, then finds fault, then decides nothing can possibly work so it’s time to bail. And if that sounds like the case here, it’s not you, it’s her. She goes into each relationship as if it’s perfect and then when the rainbows fade, she can’t handle that people are not made out of unicorn farts.

    #1099239 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    We don’t know you or your ex, so I have no clue whether either of you actually has any mental health issues. But one thing that could be going on here is projection. You know that the former US President, who is a malignant narcissist, always accuses others of exactly the type of thoughts or behavior that he himself is guilty of. Right? So she could be doing something similar.

    But who knows. I personally don’t see narcissism in her behavior that you described. She sounds like kind of a dick, and you sound like maybe someone with low self-esteem, weak boundaries, who would put up with her.

    Here’s the only thing that matters though:

    “ She didn’t see a future with us because she didn’t think we’d make each other happy. ”

    Full stop. That’s it. She wasn’t happy and wanted out. She told you that clearly, and she ended the relationship and moved on. There doesn’t have to be a reason. She wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. You two were a bad fit. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. If you want to examine what she’s telling you you did wrong and see if you think there’s any validity to it, go ahead, maybe it’ll help you in your next relationship. But you really don’t have to go down that rabbit hole.

    #1099240 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Most relationships end unsuccessfully. I think that you need to stop internalizing her rejections and comments and move on. I don’t have any reason if you’re a narcissist – nothing you’ve said or done sounds bad. I would stop worrying about your ex and move on with your life. At some point I proposed having an FAQ for this site, and one of the items was to cut off all contact with your ex, including social media, for at six months.

    #1099241 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    I guess it would help to know the ages of the LW and his Ex, but it doesn’t read to me like she is bipolar. I’m assuming she is reasonably young, sees this as her chance to see more of the world before settling down. That’s not at all uncommon, wrong, or indicative of mental health issues. There is no mention that she habitually goes all in on relationships and then finds fault and ends them. Being optimistic and enthusiastic at the start of a new relationship is normal. Relationships ending is normal. Portugal meant a lot more to her than LW realizes — adventure, youth, freedom. The young can travel cheaply and Portugal isn’t inordinately expensive even for the elderly, who require creature comforts. She probably chose Portugal as a place the two of you could survive financially for 3 months. Most of Europe costs a lot more.

    #1099243 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Not bipolar, borderline. It’s possible, but I don’t think it matters bc he’d never know for sure anyway.

    #1099244 Reply
    twindragon
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies guys. I take breakups hard. I lack a bit of self esteem already so my ego gets bruised and I have trouble letting go. I can’t just turn my feelings off like a flick of a switch so when someone you love easily moves on it kinda hurts. Maybe she isn’t narcissistic and maybe I’m just trying to find reasons for the breakup. But ruminating and wondering why is probably not best.

    Perhaps she doesn’t know what narcissism is and doesn’t understand the definition lol. I have an ex who I share a daughter with and I’ve known her for almost 18 years and when I asked her if I was narcissistic she said def not. Absent minded sometimes. But def not narcissistic.

    #1099246 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s normal after a breakup to kind of obsess about WHY, but it’s pretty useless. You have to get to a place where you accept that you just weren’t good together. You’re not going to understand exactly what was going on with their mental health, or yours, that contributed in whatever way. It just wasn’t the right relationship.

    I’m pretty sure narcissistic people don’t wonder if they’re narcissistic. It was probably just something your ex threw at you in response to, who knows what. It really really doesn’t matter.

    #1099247 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I’m definitely not saying she has BPD – but I have found it really helpful to understand that while all of us are unique and snowflake-y in our own special way…. the reality is that human behavior is definable and have patterns. Based on the story – I think reading about BPD is helpful only to see that we’re not as unique and speshul as we think we are.

    You’re never going to get answers as to why – why did she behave this way, why did she say this then do that? But it is absolutely and totally possible to read something and say “huh, wow – this sounds a LOT like what I just went through with my ex.” And in doing that you understand that it really wasn’t you – it was someone who is dealing with their own nonsense and no matter what you did, it wasn’t going to change the outcome.

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