Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Was I the problem with our failed relationship?

Home Forums Advice & Chat Was I the problem with our failed relationship?

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  • #1099248 Reply

    I think “narcissist” is one of those words like “gaslighting” – it’s become a wildly trendy addition to the popular lexicon, but most people don’t actually use it correctly, or know exactly what it means.

    Some level of introspection is good after a breakup. If you were doing something off-putting, you want to learn from it so you can try to prevent yourself from taking bad habits into the next relationship. If you dwell on it more for a “how can I get this person back” standpoint, I think you’re in for hurt. If you let it cripple you from going out again, then you’re also putting too much into it. Sometimes, things end. You don’t always get a reason, and sometimes when you do get one, it isn’t even the real one. It’s not even that the other person is lying to you, they just may not have the clarity to even describe it to themselves, much less you.

    That said. From your description, it does sound like your ex GF has some issues. Faulting you for “not having goals” and also for not “moving to Portugal for 3 months” aren’t really things that go together. People who can just disappear on a whim aren’t typically the same people who have a lot of goals. Not leaving your kid IS a goal. It may not be one she agrees with, but it is a definite desire that is driving your course of action.

    She also sounds like the type of person who wants you to place her first, and make sure you are being obvious that you are doing so. The fact you wouldn’t just run away for three months because she wanted to showed her that you aren’t a person that was going to blindly wither to her wants. She could wrongly be viewing your inability to place her on a pedestal as you being too focused on yourself. (The whole “madly in love” thing – as you’re breaking up – just sounds like fishing for a dramatic reaction.)

    Mourn the loss, but don’t read too much into it. Sometimes you miss the bus (which is sad) … sometimes the bus misses you (which you can be thankful for.)

    #1099250 Reply

    That was a great response. Thanks! I’ll bounce back. I always do. Sometimes it takes a while of being sad but I’ve loved and lost before.

    #1099256 Reply

    Sooo. If you’re someone with a history of low self esteem and not being able to let go of relationships when they end and find yourself still banging your head against the wall this hard a month and a half out from a nine month relationship with no signs of your emotional discomfort/obsessive thoughts of what went wrong relenting, you may want to consider speaking to a therapist. Closure isn’t something another person can give you — not your ex, not a bunch of strangers online speculating why your ex said or did the things she said and did — it’s something you give yourself. Not to mention, your ex doesn’t sound like a catch at all. A therapist can also help you unpack why you stayed with/wanted a future with someone who berates you and calls your twin a loser, among other things.

    I’m not sure how you know that she’s on Tinder or how many people she’s been with, but you need to stop. It’s not your business and it’s not going to help you move on.

    #1099259 Reply

    Copa nailed it.

    Actually do the things you know can help you move on, like stop following her on social media, stop checking tinder to see if she’s on it. Don’t ask your mutual show she is. I know you don’t want to, but stop checking up on her.

    Contact a therapist if you still find yourself obsessing.

    #1099262 Reply

    I knew she was on tinder because she told me haha. Then she told me she hooked up with those people. I think the thing that threw me for a loop is when we broke up she said she still loved me so much and it was super hard breaking up but just couldn’t be with me. Then to find her move on instantly kinda made me question things. For me love doesn’t just turn off like a switch. It’s the same if someone found out that a gf cheated. It’s not like the day after that person will be fine and move on in an instant. I mean sure some people can.

    It’s been a month since we last hooked up. I find that just because the breakup happened earlier the last time I saw the person is the day I try to begin healing.

    Who knows why I was with someone who wasn’t right for me. Probably because I lack self esteem

    #1099263 Reply

    I think that if you truly cared about someone, that it hurts just as much if you know why your partner split than if you don’t. But how quickly they move on has never mattered to me, nor did I see that as any of my business or something that was any gauge of how much we cared about each other during the relationship. I don’t know what you mean by a month since you and ex hooked up. Was this sexual or did you just talk? If sexual, yes that really screws up the healing process — a lot more than just talking.

    I think your example of how long it takes to heal after your partner cheated is a bad example, because your partner didn’t cheat on you, seemingly didn’t behave badly at all. Cheating introduces another extra dose of bad feeling. I expect, but don’t know, that it wouldn’t substantially increase the healing period. In any case, a month is not long enough to heal.

    #1099264 Reply

    We had sex a month ago to have one final send off if you will. It was an amazing send off in all honesty. And we wanted to be friends. But I started messaging when I was lonely and she seemed very off put by it. I told her I wasn’t dealing with the breakup well and she seemed great. So I was dumb and asked if she’d like to hook up again which I shouldn’t have done and she told me if I wanted to hook up she’d be fine with that but I can’t talk about feelings and that’s when she told me she hooked up with 2 ppl already 2 weeks after we hooked up. I understand that it shouldn’t have been my business. I even tried to push those feelings deep down. So I got upset and said you didn’t have to tell me you hooked up with ppl. Out of sight out of mind. Then I said I get we are broken up but I’m hurting and it feels like you don’t care about my feelings at all then I asked was our relationship that bad? Then that’s when she said I was narcissistic throughout the relationship etc. which I don’t remember at all but again she probably doesn’t know what a narcissist is. There were times I was forgetful or a bit selfish but I usually made up for those times. In all my relationships prior I had never been accused of selfishness or narcissism

    But I am just worried that there is some sort of issue that I’m unaware of that is going to ruin future relationships.

    I’ve got an anxious attachment style. I get anxiety in my relationships and I worry sometimes. Especially when I sense that my gf is pulling away but I don’t recall pushing so hard that it would have destroyed our relationship.

    In the end the breakup is for the best there were many things that didn’t align well with me. Her smoking when she drinks. Her desire to drink every weekend. Eating bad and not taking care of herself. Couldn’t compromise and had a bad attitude towards people. Among other things.

    It’s true I’ve got low self esteem. I’ve had low self esteem for a long time. I should get help for it.

    #1099266 Reply

    You’re causing many of your own problems. If you want to move on, cut off contact with her. Stop trying to be friends. Stop sleeping together. Stop dwelling on which of the two of you is the real narcissist. None of this is serving you. You’re obsessing over someone you didn’t even like on a basic level.

    #1099317 Reply

    Some people are able to move on faster than others, but it seems like your ex may have already decided that she was going to break up with you long before she actually did. She probably did love you and the breakup was difficult for her to do, but once she left you she had already had time prior to think about it and it didn’t take her long to grieve the loss of a relationship with you.

    Another thing is when you confronted her, she may have just spewed out stuff or they may have had a small relation as to why she left, but all in all, it made it easier for her than trying to explain why she really left. Some people think others may not be able to handle the truth so they don’t mention it, but whatever the problem she had of your relationship with her, you should be glad that she left and didn’t take anymore time from you being with someone else that will love you better.

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