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Was it wrong of me to dump him?

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 9 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #741877 Reply
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    fecisins

    My now ex (26) and I (23) started a relationship when I was only 15. He is black and I am Hispanic. My parents do not approve of interracial relationships so I kept it a secret for years. This web of lies caused a lot of stress on my family and relationship. Throughout all those years I would say 5 of them were very serious. During these 5 years my ex could not hold a serious job down for more than 6 months due to constantly having conflict with bosses/coworkers. He was arrested after being caught with marijuana and his license was revoked for a year. (He has 2 drug misdemeanors on his record) He has no car and I would help him pay bills. When I would get frustrated with him all he would say was “if you really love me just give me more time to get a better paying job”. I believed in him and understood that sometimes in life we go through hard times. Months turned into years and it was an ongoing pattern of him quitting or getting fired from
    Jobs because of his temper. He promised if I told my parents about our relationship that we could move in together and he would pay all the bills. I told my parents and was kicked out of their house. My ex didn’t keep his word. he had to move in with his grandma after being evicted from his apartment due to me not helping financially and he didn’t get the job he swore was for sure his. For a year I lived with my cousins and the relationship with my parents crumbled because I kept putting him first over my family despite him not being able to keep his word. Him not having a valid drivers license or vehicle voided him from getting a decent paying labor job since most companies require both. I begged him to work at Walmart or Whataburger in the mean time but he refused because “he’s better than that”. All I wanted was for him to put his pride aside so he could show my parents that he was still a hard working man despite the circumstances. I understand it is wrong of my parents to judge him by his skin color but I also see that they want what’s best for me. I will admit I have been spoiled all my life so for them to see me making so many one sided sacrifices was very annoying to them. I got Into an argument with my cousins about still seeing him even though they too disapproved and was kicked out of their house, forcing me to move back in with my parents. My parents made it clear that if I moved back in I could not be in a relationship with my now ex. Their reasoning is because: he cannot take care of himself much less provide a stable home for me without me having to pay more than half of the bills on a small salary, his criminal record (I want to be a lawyer and it could reflect badly on me if I’m in a relationship with someone with a record), he doesn’t have a car, he has borrowed money from me and has not been able to pay me back, has had to ask for gifts back so he could return them and get the money back so he could pay court fees. Etc. None of my friends like him and everyone says I deserve better. He became very possessive and had my location on his phone and would constantly look through my phone but it I looked through his it would start an argument. I told him the only way he could look through my messages is if i could see his. I had found some inappropriate messages betweeen him and his guy friends-when i confronted him he told me I was overreacting because it was just guy talk and he would never act on it. All of this makes me feel I have given him plenty of time to get his life together. I’m also worried i have been getting cheated on this entire time. I see constantly arguing over money/bills and him having an affair if we were to get married. He thinks all I’m after is money and if I really loved him I would stick by his side no matter how stressed or how financially unstable he is. Money has a lot to do with it but my biggest issue is that i have sacrificed so much time and my family to be with him and i feel he has not been fighting fo the relationship as much as i have. He got a good paying job, renewed his license, and is scheduled to move into his apartment in 2 weeks. He’s begging me to give him another chance and telling me things will not go back to how they were but I find it hard to trust him when he has let me down so many times in the past. I also don’t want to lose my family again and look dumb if he once again falls back to square one. Having so much love for him has me blind and unsure if I have lost something good/I should give him another chance or if i made the right choice to leave him.

    #741881 Reply
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    Northern Star

    So, you’re wondering if you should get back together with a 26-year-old drug user with a record who can’t keep a job, an apartment, or a car, and you suspect to be cheating.

    Why?

    #741882 Reply
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    fecisins

    He stopped smoking months ago but you’re right for all I know might pick it back up now that he got this job. I need to learn how to love myself. I’m so gullible when it comes to him. I need to accept the fact that I tried my best to help him. I guess deep down I see so much potential and I made him my little project to “fix” him.

    #741885 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    There’s no potential here. None at all. The only way he would have any potential is if you could transplant someone else’s brain into his head. The potential you see is wishful thinking and fantasy on your part.

    You want him to be a different person. You’re assuming that if you just wish hard enough, he will be. He’s proven to you over and over and over and over again that he’s not that person.

    Relationships aren’t about finding someone who’s sorta what you want and then spending years changing them into the person you want them to be. They’re about dating different people until you find the one who IS what you want. Not who they promise they’ll become someday. Who they are, right now.

    You’ve made the right decision. Now get on with your own life.

    #741886 Reply
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    JD

    Please tell me that if you are intelligent enough to get into law school that you already know the answer to this. Wow, he is finally doing alright for the first time, ever. Eye roll. This man will never be able to get a decent job, you will always be supporting him and he sounds like a bit of a manipulator to boot. You are way too young to have this crap in your life. Go to school, graduate, get your career in order then find a nice man who is capable of gainful employment.

    #741888 Reply
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    SherBear

    How in the world can you be after money if he has none? Wanting a guy to have a decent and stable job does not make one a golddigger – that makes one smart. I would not ever advise vowing to stick by a guy thru financial instability – it’s not like he got unexceptedly laid off and needs some time to find a new one, he has a pattern of not being able to hold on down. He was 18 years old dating a 15 year old bc that’s where he was maturity wise. This guy is a loser, aim higher in the future.

    #741889 Reply
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    fecisins

    Thank you everyone for the honest replies. I really appreciate the advice

    #741902 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Even if your family dislikes him for the wrong reasons, there are plenty of right reasons for them to dislike him. He is not trustworthy and he is a loser. You have no proof that he’s going to do better this time around. In no other part of life do people give this many chances. If you go to a hairstylist and they keep giving you bad haircuts, would you go back just in case they got better? If you get food poisoning multiple times at a restaurant, would go back just in case they started being hygienic? Romantic relationships shouldn’t be different.

    You can find someone who is already a good catch. Don’t wait on someone to do a 180.

    #741907 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    You had a moment of clarity when you broke up with him. Do not lose sight of it. He has nothing to offer you but more of the same: instability, lies, drama, and possible cheating to boot. Given how big your blind spot is for this guy’s flaws it wouldn’t surprise me if he has been flagrantly cheating on you for years.

    You deserve to find out who you are without this dead weight dragging you down. Can you imagine a peaceful life where you are open and honest with your family? Being able to save money for your future because you only have to support yourself? Having energy to do fun things because you aren’t trying to force someone else to function? Dating someone who has your back and who you respect? That’s what you can have if you close the door on this relationship and start moving forward with your own interests as your priority. Close that door, walk away, and don’t look back.

    #741909 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    Tell him you’re happy he seems to finally have his life together. But it’s too late to matter for you. Years of lies and irresponsibility don’t get wiped away with a rental apartment. Anyone who would take unemployment and eviction and taking back gifts for money over a legitimate and legal job at Walmart or where ever because they felt it was beneath them has twisted values. The kind of twisted values that makes for a very hard life for any partner unlucky or stupid enough to get saddled by them. Your future involves you working multiple jobs to make ends meet while he complains about his ex boss and quite happily lives off you. There is nothing here. You don’t have to prove you love him by sacrificing yourself and your future for him. Love yourself more than that. Wish him well and then block him.

    #741927 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    You made the right decision. Trust is earned, over time. This guy has made excuse after excuse. He has behaved like a child for years (lost jobs over his temper -you know who can’t control their tempers? Toddlers. Toddlers can not control their tempers. That’s why they have tantrums.)

    You outgrew him a long time ago. You stuck around out of loyalty, love, a desire to “make this work” but all of the effort was on you. That pattern is set. As soon as you take him back, I am 99.99% sure he will revert right back into his old ways because you have always taken care of everything and done all of the work in the relationship.

    You made the right decision.

    #741931 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    This guy is wrong for you in every way. This isn’t about race, it is about character. His life is a mess and will most likely continue to be a mess. How long do you think he will keep this job before his blows it in some way? You almost certainly know that he will lose this job within a year. You know that if he loses the job he will lose the other things. You know that he has never proven himself capable of holding a job long term.

    You can love someone who is a terrible partner for you. You can love someone who will ruin your life. You must keep control of you life. You must make the best decisions you can that will allow you to meet your goals and have the life you want.

    This ex will destroy your life and if you have children he would forever mess them up. My great aunt married a guy like this. A guy who couldn’t hold a job and always needed financial help from other people. A guy who would move out of a rental in the middle of the night because the rent hadn’t been paid. Not only was her life a mess from the time she met him until her death the lives of their children were messed up and the lives of the grandchildren have been messed up. When you choose a bad partner you not only mess up your own life you mess up the lives of your children and grandchildren and their children. A child who has lived in a messed up home doesn’t know what to expect in an adult relationship. They don’t know what character flaws need to be avoided in a partner. They don’t see red flags flying because they consider them a normal part of life.

    For your part you need to realize that you can’t fix him. You can’t make him into the potential you see. What you see day in and day out is what you get. He is the drug addicted guy with a legal record who has trouble holding a job due to anger. You can’t fix any of that only he can do that and he would need to be changed for years before you could assume that the change might be permanent.

    Move on and live a good life for yourself and if you have children choose a good life for them also. Moving on doesn’t mean that you don’t wish him the best, you probably do hope he turns his life around and has a happy life. Moving on means you are protecting yourself and trying to give yourself the best life possible. That’s what you owe yourself.

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