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Was me sleeping with him the problem?

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This topic contains 64 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar MissD 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #741164 Reply
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    Alyssa

    Hi. I met Andrew on an online dating website and we messaged every day for about a month before we finally decided to meet. By this stage we were talking every day all day, sending voice recordings – it felt like I knew him. We exchanged FBs as well. Our first date was nice, apart from him French kissing me after it. It felt awkward. He kept touching me in a cute way and I could tell he liked me.
    Our second date he invited me over to his place. I first refused but then said yes since I was too tired or broke to go anywhere. We watched a movie, kissed but didn’t sleep together. I spent the night and he respected my boundaries.
    Our next date again we went to his place, but didn’t sleep together (I spent the night but that was it). We had dinner, talked, watched a movie. He respected my boundaries.
    Third date I was like – what the heck – let’s do it. And we did. He was very nice and patient with me. Before we did it, I told him I didn’t need anything defined but I just wanted to make sure we both understand we are not just looking for a hook up. To that he said he would like me to delete my online dating site profile and he asked me if we could try to be together. I was freaked out a bit since this was a week into hanging out with him in real life, I told him maybe and that was it. Next day I jokingly mentioned what he had said the night before, and he freaked out. He was like: let’s take things slowly. I was annoyed. I told him he was the one who brought it up and was not acting like I was insisting on it. He apologised and said he was a jerk.
    We hung out again, mostly at his place, slept together, he insisted on me leaving some clothes at his place, put my toothbrush next to his, asked me if I wanted to meet his friend, asked me what I was doing in a month. He cooked me meals and took me out a few times. And then one day right after sleeping with him, two weeks in – he looks at me and goes: I am very confused, I don’t think I want this, it’s me, not you.
    I was so upset, I told him HE was the one who perpetuated everything, HE was the one who kept insisting on things and now HE was acting like I was pushing for it. He apologised over and over again and phoned me later that day to ask me if I wanted to see him again, maybe he would start feeling something for me. I said no, I was so upset. I don’t get it, I didn’t insist on anything, my friends said I slept with him way too early, but if this is the reason, do I really want to be with someone like this? Thanks in advance.

    #741177 Reply
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    Ange

    Nah, if he was a decent dude it wouldn’t matter when you slept with him. The only thing I would say is that you need to get your radar slightly more centered. A guy pushing that hard a week in isn’t probably above board and you said you were a little freaked out by his response. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right it probably isn’t.

    You’ll probably get people telling you not to sleep with someone so early if you want them to take you seriously. I say that’s not quite right. Only sleep with someone if you are confident they want the same things as you in both words and action.

    #741194 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I agree with what Ange said. I don’t really get what the issue is though…in your entire post you don’t say anything positive about him. The closest you get is saying your first date was nice. Did you really like this guy? Your entire tone says you were ‘meh’ about him. Sleep with someone when you want to. First date, three months in, whenever feels good to you. Regardless, don’t stress about this one, it wasn’t going anywhere.

    #741195 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    It’s never the when. It’s the who. You can sleep with someone immediately and have a connection that leads to marriage, 2.5 kids and a picket fence. You can wait demurely and still have a dud.
    It’s not having sex. It’s the guy you pick.
    On the plus side, at least you aren’t wasting more time on this one.

    #741207 Reply
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    SherBear

    Yea the sleeping with him too soon is def not an issue – I know married couples who slept together on the first night they met.

    What you described is a big problem with online dating – you think you know the person because you’ve talked so much but in reality they are still a stranger from the internet. I’ve made that mistake myself, talked to him on the phone for hours then met in person and was immediately like crap, this is not whole I built him up to be and we had ZERO chemistry (or well he thought we did which makes it even more uncomfortable).

    In the future chat with a guy a bit but make the decision rather quickly if you want to meet them or not and then make it happen sooner rather than later (and also in a public place for coffee or a drink with a set time of I gotta leave at xyz time). I met my current boyfriend online and our first meet up was a day or two after we matched.

    Also focus on if YOU like the guy or not – doesn’t matter if he likes you or if he wants you to spend the night, what do you want to do? Be the driver in your own relationships and take some control!

    #741256 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Your first mistake was messaging with him for a month before meeting him. Why did that take so long? That built up the idea that you knew him, but you didn’t. Unless there are some crazy extenuating circumstances, you should try to meet for a coffee real quick in the first week or two. Sparingly message.
    You packed a lot of relationship-y stuff in only two weeks.
    Frankly, I find it really sad that you are analyzing your behavior in this situation, as if when and how you guys slept together mattered at all.
    You don’t even sound that interested in him.

    #741257 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    It also kind of sounds like you were very available, and put all your eggs in this basket. You made the comment that you were broke and had no where else to go..
    That doesn’t sound good. Maybe he felt like you were just there for company? Or you had no where else to be.
    You can’t put your life on hold for a man from the Internet. And if he was truly the only thing you had going on (by that I mean, friends, hobbies, family, etc, what happened to them?) maybe that scared him. Two weeks in is too fast to become dependent.

    #741258 Reply
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    JD

    Agree all around. You did nothing wrong. You can sleep with someone too soon, wait too long, not sleep with them until you are married. It is him. The pushing you to leave things is weird. Perhaps he didn’t have much online dating experience. You can talk for years, you still start from scratch on the first date. In person connections are very different.

    #741261 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    What struck me about your post was the lifeless, emotionless way you talk about dating him. The only time you show emotion was when he told you it wasn’t working out for him.

    Where were the butterflies? Being sooo excited to meet him? Feeling like you had a real connection? Chemistry? Attraction? You describe this like you were shopping for a car: You saw one you liked on a car site, it seemed to have the features you wanted, the test drive was OK, but the salesman was too pushy and you didn’t like the way the car accelerated.

    I get that online dating can be helpful if you’re not in a position to meet a lot of guys. But all of my boyfriends were people I knew IRL. Coworkers, classmates, friends of friends. We knew each other pretty well long before we went out on a date, and we already knew the chemistry and attraction were there. I think one of the pitfalls of online dating is that you can feel pressured to manufacture chemistry with someone you don’t know. It doesn’t always work, and then you end up with the terribly awkward situation the two of you had. I get a sense that both of you were sort of going through the motions and hoping the spark would happen. It was kind of cringe-y just reading about it.

    Boyfriends are optional. Regardless of how you meet, IRL or online, don’t just look for a boyfriend for the sake of having one. Wait till it’s someone that you feel that spark with.

    #741263 Reply
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    Alyssa

    Hm..maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I definitely had a life during those two weeks, in fact I turned him down a bunch of times because I was hanging out with my friends. He wanted me there all the time. I am very sociable and wven if it doesnt come across, I did like him. He was funny, cooked for me… as for chemistry, for me that is very difficult to achieve anyway. But i liked him. I guess i am still shocked he did it like that. Because i thought he was a good guy.

    #741266 Reply
    TaraMonster
    TaraMonster
    Participant

    To be honest, I don’t think this makes him a bad guy and I’m struggling to understand what you are shocked about here; you guys moved too fast with all the relationship declarations and spending a lot of time together immediately and it fizzled out just as fast. You went right along with this because you liked him, which isn’t a crime either. This isn’t about sleeping with someone too soon- it’s about the two of you trying to force a connection that wasn’t there. You picked a dud/someone you weren’t compatible with and it ended. I say count yourself lucky that you learned he isn’t the right guy early on. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move along with a few valuable lessons: 1. Don’t draw out cyber connections for too long because the in-person connection is what matters 2. Don’t have relationship talks super quickly just because someone is paying attention to you (yes he brought it up, but that was your cue to shut it down if you thought it was weird or a red flag, which it was).

    He’s not the only guy on the planet, girl. You’ll be fine. And FWIW- I went home with my boyfriend the first night we met. We are very happy 3 years later, and planning on getting engaged this year. Give your friends a good eyeroll for that antiquated and terrible advice.

    #741272 Reply
    TaraMonster
    TaraMonster
    Participant

    One other thing—
    “as for chemistry, for me that is very difficult to achieve anyway”

    It’s supposed to be. If you had chemistry with every person you went on a date with, then dating wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass. Chemistry is what makes it special and shared values and life goals are what seal the deal. Hold out for that chemistry; it’s absolutely worth it.

    There’s a book Kate recommends on here all the time, which I read and loved. I can attest that it is extremely insightful and gives a practical approach to dating: Is He Mister Right? by Mira Kirshenbaum. I suggest you read it too.

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