Was what I said to my daughter too harsh?

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  • dancinginthedark4001
    September 13, 2022 at 8:41 am #1115977

    Last week, our daughter “Casey” was moody and distant. We asked her several times what’s wrong, and as she usually does, she said nothing.

    Context for this next part: my wife and I are on the older side and we are still wearing masks to protect ourselves.
    One day, however, when dropping her car off at the dealership for a repair, Casey stepped out her car and forgot to put on her mask while talking to the man who greeted her and opened her door.

    Frankly, I was upset. Obviously something has been on her mind so much that she had an unnecessary moment of putting us at risk.

    On the car ride home, I asked Casey what was wrong with her, much more out of patience. Nothing, again, and I was over it. I said, “Whatever problems you’re trying to deal by yourself, you think you have a handle on it, but you don’t. You’re failing, but you refuse to tell anybody or let anyone help, the people who love you most.”

    I tried to talk to her again the next morning. Casey basically waved away the mask issue by saying, “I’m sorry I forgot, but you forgot your mask last week too, so why are you acting you don’t make mistakes too?”

    But the situations are completely different. (In my case, unbeknownst to me, my wife put her cup on top of my mask in the cup holder while we sitting in our car at a park. When a man came by and asked for a jump, I couldn’t find my mask and only cracked the window slightly. It was also raining.)

    This day was also the day of my wife’s retirement party, and Casey had been souring the house with her mood, right when we should be celebrating my wife’s decades-long dedication to providing for our family. For her being 25, the immaturity and selfishness infuriated me.

    I said to her: “Casey, you may think you are a great child, and you are for the most part, but sometimes you’re a farce of a daughter. This is how you treat your mother? After you leave this house, no matter who you meet or whoever you marry, they will never love you as much as that woman downstairs loves you.”

    She had nothing to say. We did the virtual party, got take-out, and the night ended. Casey’s mood was also suddenly gone.

    There are a few times I think what I said was harsh, but also necessary. Would you agree?

    September 13, 2022 at 9:39 am #1115978

    Calling her a “farce of a daughter” is abusive. It sounds like she made a simple oversight and you instead escalated it to a series of character based attacks on her and when she understandably wasn’t cheerful, escalated to verbal abuse.

    Your daughter is an adult and if you want to have any kind of healthy relationship with her you need to engage respectfully with her, respect her boundaries, and not aggressively police her mood. What you have described is miles away from any kind of healthy or normal interaction.

    September 13, 2022 at 9:40 am #1115979

    If you daughter was here I would advise her to move the hell out of your house pronto, see a therapist, and keep a good deal of distance from you.

    September 13, 2022 at 9:42 am #1115980


    September 13, 2022 at 9:53 am #1115981

    I needed to read one line of this to realize this is the girl with the family washcloths. Just FYI. Cut the crap.

    September 13, 2022 at 10:10 am #1115982

    What was all the bullshit about moving out?

    September 13, 2022 at 10:46 am #1115983

    And have you noticed that no matter the angle you come at this with, the advice is, your dad is abusive, move out now, get therapy? Even when you come at it from his perspective. Even when you leave out the intergenerational SA, the kicking his daughters out in the middle of the night, his obsession with their sexuality. Fyodor still nailed it without any of that context.

    September 13, 2022 at 1:01 pm #1115986

    Hey, I know it is really hard to make a change. I know it is really, really hard to admit to yourself that you need help, but you need help and you need that help from a professional. An advice site is not going to be able to help your incredibly strange relationship with your family, especially when you never take ANY of our advice, even with how how you change your story, your life is really messed up. I say that as someone with a lot of sick old trauma in my own family. You need to get out NOW and get an appointment with a therapist and start telling them about your father.

    This is getting increasingly sad. Move out. Get help. You have the money and are able. You’re an adult. What’s stopping you? Seriously? Be honest, what do you have to lose by being honest on an anonymous site?

    Or stay with your sick father who abuses you. That’s your choice. That’s a decision, doing nothing at all and staying where you are. Watching the days, weeks, months, years, decades go by with your
    Misogynistic, gross dad.

    At some point, it becomes a choice to dismiss what so many people are trying to help you see, and continue on and continue posting about it. You choose to be there.

    The only way to get out of this? To make sense of it? Leave and find a therapist.

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Was what I said to my daughter too harsh?

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