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Dear Wendy

Way forward in this marriage

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  • #1040807 Reply
    avatarDistressed
    Guest

    I am in desperate need of some advice. I should probably be getting therapy but all therapists appointments are 3-4 weeks from now. I am trying to determine if I should stay in my marriage or plan for separation. We have been married for 12 years and have a 6 year old. From the beginning itself the marriage had a rocky start with my job loss/career issues, adjustment problems moving to a new country, and the most serious of all problems, my mother in law. From Day 1 she has been antagonistic and treated me like dirt. She thinks her son is a gem and is wasting his life with someone like me. My husband has to take care of her and she ends up staying a few months every year with us since she stays with her kids for 6 months every year (she has no other family). She is mentally unstable, makes my life a living hell, always complaining, always bitching about me to both her son/daughter, always comparing our lives to her daughters etc. My husband tries to take my side and it ends up being an ugly scene between the 3 of us at our home. A few days ago she actually told her daughter that she was ‘scared for her life’ at our house. I have completely stopped talking to her and we ignore each other. MIL is stuck here next 6 months due to a visa issue. My husband has looked for an extended stay hotel for her and asked her to move next week but he is giving me lot of grief about it saying his mother has noone but him. Yesterday he also asked me if I wanted to move out and find myself another apartment since I was so unhappy. THere is more. I am pregnant-it was a very emotional decision since we had an embryo from a previous IVF cycle. My husband has not been ecstatic about it since he thinks he is too old to become a parent again but he supported me as best as he could through the process. I have been crying since yesterday morning. I dont know what to do. Should I move out? I work and can kind of support myself. I would have to terminate this pregnancy if I move out. As I said it was an emotional decision 2 months ago when I thought my family would be like most others. He apologized profusely today but now I realize the futility of the situation. I do not want to separate but I realize his mother is not going away from his life anytime soon and its unbearable to see him being torn in 2 separate directions and completely losing his mental peace ( and me too). Is this the end of the road for us? Or should I wait until MIL actually moves out? Please advise.

    #1041211 Reply
    avatarbloodymediocrity
    Participant

    This is obviously very rough. Your husband should be fully on your side. Your mother-in-law should be at least respectful to you. Your husband is obviously not the only person your MIL has if she’s confiding in her daughter. Where is she in all this?

    Regardless, I don’t think there is an easy answer, but if your husband would rather have his mother in law there than you, well, shit. You know where he stands.

    You don’t really talk here about what you want: Do you want another child? Do you want to stay with your husband? Do you love your husband?

    #1041215 Reply
    avatarLucidity
    Guest

    I don’t think you should wait for a therapist appointment. Look into online therapy options. If you sign up for something like BetterHelp, you could be talking to a therapist within 24 hours.

    #1041470 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    I think your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk. Oh and a momma’s boy to boot. Frankly, if it were me… I would leave and I would so NOT have this baby. I just wouldn’t. It’s all such a mess. This baby isn’t going to fix things… but instead break them even further.

    I would also simply stop caring what your awful mother in law had to say about you. She is a useless, horrible woman. Fuck her and her opinions. Who cares if she bad mouths you? Seriously. Just treat her like the monster she is. Next time she says she is fearful for her life. Smile strangely. Really strangely and really creepy… Then bring her a “nice cup of tea.” Gaslight the witch into thinking you might damn well poison her at any moment. Never actually do anything. But scare the living crap out of her.

    #1041763 Reply
    avatarDistressed
    Guest

    Thank you all for responding. MIL is moving out today to a hotel after saying a lot of horrible things abt me.(As I said she is unable to leave the country/stay with her daughter since there’s some visa issue that’ll take time to figure out). Even after she moves out my dilemna still remains – unsure of this baby, where I am in this marriage, whether it makes sense to go through this drama every yr. Even though her daughter has offered to host her permanently after shes able to travel. I really do want this baby but with all this happening, and so much negative energy coming my way, I am unsure.

    #1041803 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    I really really urge you to find an immediate therapy appt. There are tons of options online, easily found with a quick google search. What you’re asking advice on – whether or not to continue a pregnancy that is a result of IVF is not something any of us can or should advise on. Just the fact that you’re asking this – that your husband isn’t on board – suggests issues that need the guidance of a trained professional you can speak with directly, one on one. Please, please take the steps to get the help you need.

    #1041824 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    To me, if both partners aren’t all in on having another baby —- don’t have another baby. Unless one is absolutely 100 percent excited to be a single parent.

    But my —- yes. Therapy would be most helpful to you, LW.

    #1041832 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I can also vouch for BetterHelp.

    #1050338 Reply
    avatarDesio
    Guest

    If you love your husband and it will be an unwanted divorce for you then you could maybe arrange a hotel stay for a bit- you to separate and figure it out on how to proceed or if you truly want to proceed with a divorce. I mean you are pregnant and a divorce making you terminate it- it’s a very hard decision to make. And harsh too. I mean you seem you’re really upset and rightly so, and making huge decisions while you’re emotional like this personally I don’t think it’s a good idea. But I would think that a physical separation for a hit could maybe help make things more clear for you.

    #1050341 Reply
    avatarDesio
    Guest

    I’m sorry for the typos, I hope it makes sense

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