“We Have a Sexless Marriage”

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    December 2, 2023 at 11:15 am #1126909

    From a LW:

    “We have been ”married” for just over 50 years. Sex has always been an issue for us/him: I want|wanted more! About 10 years ago I accepted that sex was no longer on the menu. About 4 years ago I found out he was taking out another female dancing – daytime and evenings (at least 80 times during 18 months). He says there was no sex but admitted he “got carried away” whatever that meant. He doesn’t want to be intimate with me and tells me I have to meet certain conditions to meet his requirements, I.e. always to agree with him, only go out with him when he agrees , not to express my sexual frustration etc.
    Should I separate from him, find a sexual partner (unlikely), or put up with my wasted life? I am 76 years old (lively but have recently had a mastectomy) and he is 79, people would say he is vigorous.
    I would love your guidance before its too late.”

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    December 3, 2023 at 7:40 am #1126911

    You could have 20+ years left of life. What would you like those 20 years to look like? You already have an idea – based on the past 50 years, and definitely the past 10 – what life with your husband will look like. At this point, I’m not sure you’d even need to divorce him to live separate lives. It sounds like you already do this. As for it being unlikely that you could find another sexual partner just because you’re 76, don’t sell yourself short. That’s 50 years of your husband’s influence talking. It might help to work out some of this with a therapist.

    You still have time to create a live you want to live.

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    December 4, 2023 at 12:17 pm #1126929

    FWIW, one of my mom’s friends is widowed and is also a lively 70-something. She has a very full life and has as long as I’ve known her. I’m not even just talking about dating — though she does that, too. She is active, goes to yoga, enjoys her friends, takes language lessons, travels, and dates/has had relationships in her older age.

    I think if you really look at your life as a waste you’ll have to continue to endure, talking to a therapist is a good first step. I imagine it’s not easy to leave a 50+ year marriage, even a dead one, because change is hard and uncomfortable… support may prove critical. But I do think there could be a lot of life left for you if you make some changes!

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“We Have a Sexless Marriage”

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