Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Web of lies… feeling trapped.

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  • #875254 Reply

    So my ex-boyfriend and I have quite the history, We were together for 2 yrs and we broke up 2 months ago. We started talking again 2 weeks ago and I haven’t told my family because I don’t want them to judge me in talking to him again. They’d judge me because he didn’t treat me great in the relationship and I do agree with them in some ways, I’m also harsh on myself in talking to him again, questioning why am I talking to him again and not just cutting off contact. but I’m dealing with it in my way and going to counseling to help with issues I have surrounding that part of myself.
    I live in Ireland and after we broke up, he moved over to England. He’s asked me to visit him and I want to visit him over there, so I said yes. Now the only problem with this is my family not knowing. I’m thinking of just telling them I’m going to my friends for the weekend, but I’ll be getting on a plane and flying across the country. I’m not someone who lies, I don’t like it and It just feels like I’m suffocating myself in not being truthful to them and keeping this from them but I know they’re not going to be happy with my decision and I don’t want to feel their shame, disappointment or listen to them telling me they don’t think its a good idea, or what am I doing it’s a bad idea.
    The thing with me and my ex-boyfriend that I’d also like to mention is that we’ve been open with each other in what is going on between us. We’ve clarified that we are not in good positions to get into a relationship, that we like the friendship with each other and that if we do get with someone else to let the other person know because we don’t want to hurt each other or hold the other person back from moving on.
    I’d like to know your thoughts on my situation, how do I tell my family that I’m talking to my ex again without them turning on me because of my decision… or is there a problem in not telling them? is keeping this information from them going to backfire on me?

    #875272 Reply

    If they have been told so many bad things about him that they would not want you to be talking to him or visiting, I think you should really think twice about what you’re doing.

    You ARE holding yourself back from moving on. You question why you aren’t cutting off contact. If he’s been a bad bf, or abusive to you- I would cut off contact. That’s not something that you should need to work out through counseling so much. Protect yourself and stop this visit before you get entangled again with someone who has hurt you so much in the past that you’re ashamed to tell your family that you’re in contact and want to visit him.

    To recap: do not lie to your family. If you’re so ashamed to tell the truth, it’s something YOU KNOW you shouldn’t be doing.

    Do not lie to your family about visiting him on a trip to England. What of something were to happen to you or one of them while you’re away? Do not lie. They won’t trust your word in the future if you do.

    #875273 Reply

    He’s moved away. Take that as the blessing it is, block him from messaging you and move on to better things.

    #875292 Reply

    You’re looking for a way to tell your family without hearing things you don’t want to hear from them. There isn’t a way. You gave them a window into your relationship and told them the bad stuff that was going on, and now you can’t take that back. He treated you badly and they don’t like him. Anyone who cared about you would react the same way.

    But, it’s your life. You’re an adult, you have the right to visit anyone you want to, so tell them the truth about your trip. If you really believe that getting back with this guy is the right thing to do, then own it.

    The problem is, you don’t believe that. You know it’s a bad idea. Your letter is a litany of reasons why it’s a bad idea. You don’t want to hear that from them because you know what they’ll say is true.

    Lying to them is going to make matters so much worse. If they find out, they’ll know you kept it from them because you knew it was the wrong choice. Right? Because if it was something you felt confident about, you would have told them.

    #875293 Reply

    You’re lying to yourself. To yourself.

    “We’ve clarified that we are not in good positions to get into a relationship … ”

    Then why are you flying across the country to see him? C’mon. Because he’s your friend? Get real. You’re flying across the country because you’re addicted to this situation. Read Women Who Love Too Much and cancel your ticket. Seriously, this is not a good idea.

    #875306 Reply
    avatarPart-time Lurker

    We can sit here all day and tell you what a bad idea this is and you’re still probably going to do it. So if you’re over 18 and you don’t live at home just go. As an adult you don’t need to tell anyone about it or get their permission/blessing.

    #875332 Reply

    I’m going to echo – yes, this is probably a bad idea that on some level you know you shouldn’t be doing.

    And I also agree that you shouldn’t lie to your family. But you’re also not under obligation to tell them every detail of your life. If they ask why you’re going, you can just say “because I want to” and leave it at that. You’re an adult (presumeably), so just go for it. Live your life.

    But seriously though, why are you doing this? What is the purpose of this trip?

    #875349 Reply

    My reasons, and how I’m justifying going is because I do like him as a friend. I feel comfortable around him and we get along great conversation just flows and time flies. It feels like when I first met again and there was no issues just friends having a laugh and a good time.
    But like I said I think that’s me “justifying” why I want to go, but really I have alot of issues in myself that I need to deal with, and I seem to be addicted to these kind of things like ‘FYI’ said. I agree with. I punish myself in some ways I’m not sure of yet. And it’s difficult to acknowledge these things about myself and really face them. That’s also a reason I don’t want to tell my family, because I want to deal with this on my own time, and not someone telling me something I already know, because i can’t just work it out straight away. If that makes sense

    #875361 Reply

    You recently broke up, and even more recently started talking again. You might feel like you’re good friends, but you literally just became friends, right? Most people need to take some space and distance after a breakup. I really wish you’d cancel the trip, spend some time focusing on these issues you say you need to work on. You know you’re attracted and addicted to this type of relationship. So, acknowledge that to yourself and make a different choice. Don’t go. It’s not going to help you get over the relationship. These types for friendships rarely work out. Take care of yourself.

    I don’t think adult children need to report to their parents, but it’s not a good idea to lie to people about where you’re really going and who you’re going with. Especially when it’s out of the country to visit your very recent ex who treated you so badly.

    #875363 Reply

    You “get along great” except that “he didn’t treat me great in the relationship.” See the problem? You’re believing things that aren’t true.

    He’s still that guy who didn’t treat you great. Why would you spend money and time building a stronger attachment to that person? (I’d like to know more on that, btw — cheating? arguing? getting physical? what?)

    The fact that you’re flying to see him is maybe a sign that nothing has changed? Were you always the one who put forth all the effort?

    #875771 Reply

    “Didn’t treat me great” is pretty vague. I think the guilt you feel about telling your parents (you are an adult, its your choice) is displaced guilt about knowing what you should do, but lying to yourself about it. I don’t think you really want to go, but for some reason you think that you should want to. So ask yourself why that is. Also I can pretty much guess what will happen if you do go. The trip will not meet your expectations and you will come back still unsure and confused and out a couple hundred $. Also, if he is such a great friend why doesn’t he come to visit you?

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