Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Wendy is sex intimacy or is it just sex!

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This topic contains 54 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 2 weeks ago.

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  • #795988 Reply
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    Dillon Bridges

    My wife and I have a disconnect when it comes to sex and intimacy. I view sex as the ultimate form of intimacy and union on the other hand My Wife sees it as just a release. She always says I’m always nice to her when I want some or after and I’m like yeah da! But I’m a Man I may view it differently please help!!!

    #795993 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s a candy! No, it’s a breath mint! Stop, you’re both right!

    #795994 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Great taste! Less filling!

    I’m not sure why it’s an either/or. It really can be either or both.

    #795996 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I infer his question to be that she wants other forms of intimacy and he thinks that it’s enough that he’s plowing her.

    #795999 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    My question is shouldn’t you be nice to your wife all the time? Not only when you want and receive the sex?

    EDT: change the word nice to affection because that’s likely what she’s asking for. She’d like you to show more affection. Ya duh man.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by avatar ktfran.
    #796001 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    The fact that you’re looking at this as “who is right” is a problem.

    The main thing that you hopefully are concerned about (but didn’t really indicate) is that 1. she apparently finds other things to be more intimate — so are you providing those things as well? In addition to just making sure you get the intimacy YOU want. 2. she probably wants you to be nice/affectionate just because you care about her, and not just so you can try to get some sex.

    If you haven’t been paying attention to both those points, then you are probably coming across as kind of selfish to her.

    #796002 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    The fact that you’re looking at this as “who is right” is a problem.

    The main thing that you hopefully are concerned about (but didn’t really indicate) is that 1. she apparently finds other things to be more intimate — so are you providing those things as well? In addition to just making sure you get the intimacy YOU want. 2. she probably wants you to be nice/affectionate just because you care about her, and not just so you can try to get some sex.

    If you haven’t been paying attention to both those points, then you are probably coming across as kind of selfish to her.

    #796004 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Actually, they both are claiming to be right here. But lets all pile on the guy…

    #796006 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    A marriage is only as happy as the least happy partner. Your wife is telling you she’s not happy. You each have your own personal point-of-view. You can both experience the same thing and come away from it with totally different viewpoints and emotional feelings.

    If your wife is feeling that you are nice before and after sex but not so much the rest of the time she is likely feeling used and manipulated. It will feel like you are only being nice to get sex which feels like you are only being as nice as you need to be to use her body for sex. So the sex that leaves you feeling intimate and close may leave her feeling used and alienated. Your experience can be totally opposite. The sex that makes you feel connected may feel like a chore to her.

    Different people meet their emotional needs in different ways. What is your wife asking you to do to meet her emotional needs? She may need more time spent just talking and sharing your day to feel connected enough to have sex. She may need more time together doing a shared activity like making dinner or going for a walk. She might want to spend more time cuddling. Listen to her, she knows what she needs.

    Think about what you did when you first met. You were probably very attentive. You wanted to spend lots of time with her. You did fun things together. That’s the guy she wanted to marry and spend her life with. That was when you met her emotional needs.

    Most people don’t bring things like this up immediately. It has probably been simmering for a while. She isn’t happy and your response has been to argue over what is the ultimate in intimacy. If her need for intimacy isn’t met she will slowly feel less and less connected and then she will feel she doesn’t need you anyway.

    #796009 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    I’d agree with you bgm if he only wrote the first two sentences. I’d tell him they’re both being ridiculous. Or what Kate said. The second part is telling.

    #796019 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    BGM, I must have missed the part where the wife wrote in and it was possible to talk to her?

    Of all the “poor men” arguments to make, the idea that we are supposed to somehow give advice to the person who didn’t write in to make things fair is one of the weakest.

    Also, he never indicated that he was unhappy with anything besides the fact that his wife seems irritated with him.

    #796034 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Um… in every fight both people ALWAYS insist and believe that they alone are right. Hence the disagreement.

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