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Dear Wendy

What am I doing wrong, or is there something wrong with me?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice What am I doing wrong, or is there something wrong with me?

This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar MaltaKano 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #838670 Reply

    I’m 23 yrs old. I’ve never had a boyfriend, a valentine. Never had anyone to spend birthdays or Christmas with. EVER! When I attract a guy, he only wants sex. He isn’t interested in getting to know me. And I feel as if they don’t really find me attractive. And the other guy I attract is only looking for someone to cheat on his girlfriend with. I tied myself down with a guy for two years and he ended up engaged and expecting within that time with someone else. I took a lot away from me. I’m very insecure and unsure about myself because I keep getting the same thing. It’s like a never ending cycle. I try to make sure I don’t say or do anything that hints to be sexual but it always end up to that. I really wanna be in a relationship. And be happy, but it just doesn’t seem meant for me. What should I do?

    #838676 Reply

    Get your confidence up. Who do you spend time with on your birthdays, on Christmas, on Valentines day? If you feel empty and lonely on special holidays find ways to fill them in with fun things to do. Ask men, out. Try to build yourself up and make choices that help you feel like you are a catch. Because you don’t have a lot of experience, you don’t seem to know that while dating and romance can be fun, not having experience usually doesn’t indicate whether you are a fun, worthy person to be with or not. Like friendship, some people will enjoy your company and some won’t.

    #838680 Reply

    I don’t think you’re alone in your experience. It’s hard to find a good person to date. It’s hard to wade through the trash. There’s so much trash! But finding a good partner and love isn’t often easy, especially at your age. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t interested in you. Don’t settle for just sex if you want more than that. You’ll find someone you like, I promise. You’re still so young.

    You say you want a relationship and to be happy, but I don’t think that you should be looking for a relationship to make you happy. Make yourself happy. Find hobbies, friends, volunteer or get involved with your community- whatever that is. Build your life into something that fulfills you and makes you happy. If you aren’t happy, are you depressed? If you are, maybe you should start treating that. When you are happy and secure within yourself, you will attract less garbage men on the hunt for insecure women to bed.

    #838689 Reply

    I don’t know if your analysis is strictly after-the-fact, but it seems that what you have done is to essentially take yourself off the dating market by tying yourself down with a guy who wasn’t interested in you, other than as a sexual convenience. If this was the sense you got from him at the time, then you should have MOAed, it that wasn’t what you were seeking. For many, 21 is young for a serious relationship. At 23 you have better odds, but you have to keep your eyes open and keep MOAing until you find a guy who is offering what you are seeking. This requires a willingness to be single and to have the confidence and independence to not go beyond a second date with a guy who isn’t what you are seeking. It sounds like with your 1-year ex, you settled and signed on and stayed with a deal which didn’t match your needs.

    #838692 Reply

    Okay. Ignore my earlier advice. I missed the part where you tied yourself down to someone who had a girlfriend he cheated on with not only you, but with a third person who he ended up impregnating and getting engaged with.

    “It took a lot away from me. I’m very insecure and unsure about myself because I keep getting the same thing. It’s like a never ending cycle. I try to make sure I don’t say or do anything that hints to be sexual but it always end up to that.”

    You need therapy. A lot of people are immature in their late teens and early twenties but you probably do need some help figuring out why you stayed in a situation with someone you had good reason to know wouldn’t treat you any better or differently than his other girlfriend. It’s unrealistic to expect someone else to change their set of character values.

    If you don’t like how that experience felt and you want to learn how to find someone more trustworthy, I’m guessing you will have to nurture value for yourself so you would run from anyone who would treat their romantic partner the way you knew your ex did. You deserve more than what you’ve settled for and if you don’t believe that you need to figure out why in order to change.

    #838693 Reply

    How were you tied down to a guy for two years but have not had a boyfriend before? I think you’re making choices that are causing this cycle.

    Most people who say that they attract guys who don’t want commitment ignore the fact that THEY are more likely to let guys stick around who are throwing out red flags than other people. When other people are saying, “Nope, not right from me,” and never getting to the point where they are being used, you may be continuing to spend time with the guy “just in case” it turns out well. I think a lot of people do this when they are disappointed in their lack of experience because they feel like they can’t turn down any potential opportunity. But choosing not to be picky isn’t going to make it more likely for you to meet someone right for you.

    #838696 Reply

    Whoops, I read that as he got engaged and pregnant within the same amount of time, instead it happened while you were “tied down” but not his gf? So what were you?

    I agree that if you feel insecure and find yourself sticking with assholes, there’s a pattern there, and it’s that you are picking the wrong men. You should take a break from dating or hooking up and figure out why you are attracted to men that aren’t good for you. Can you see a therapist or counselor? That could be really helpful.

    However, never see a man who is dating someone else, don’t be his side piece. It’s never going to end well, and it will just make you feel like shit when he chooses his fiancé or baby mama over you.

    #838697 Reply

    I think in addition to all of the good advice about therapy, you need to go on dates and not latch onto people who aren’t good fits. Most people will not be good matches for you. Go on dates and get to know people gradually.

    #838699 Reply

    I didn’t read this as ‘he cheated on me and got a third girl pregnant’ at all. They were together in some form or another for two years, nothing progressed, THEN he was with someone else and got engaged and expecting within two years.

    Try to relax about this, if you can. Develop a skill to build your OWN confidence, so that your self-worth doesn’t hinge on another person. You have plenty of time, really.

    #838719 Reply

    Here’s how the other woman got the guy to propose: She said “I WANT THIS.”

    This is not complicated, it really isn’t. “This is what I’m looking for. If you can’t give me this, then move on.”

    That’s before the sex happens.

    “I want a relationship. I want someone who cares about me and wants to make me happy. I am not going to sleep with someone until I know them better. I’m not going to jump into bed until I feel that person is worth my time.”

    Say it out loud. Put the ideas into your own words and say them out loud. Stop hinting. Stop assuming that you’re putting out signals. PUT OUT DIFFERENT SIGNALS.

    #838726 Reply

    I agree with LisforLeslie (and everyone else who has responded in this thread).

    Forget signals and hints entirely. Just use words.

    #838872 Reply

    I’d like to put in a plug for getting on a proper dating site. One where you have to actually write about yourself (so no Tinder/Bumble). Make it very clear on your profile that you’re looking for a relationship. Don’t exchange more than a few messages before setting up a date. Don’t meet up with anyone unless you find one or two things on his profile that you find interesting, he has a specific date spot lined up, and the date is a normal time (before 9, say). Don’t get physical until you’ve talked about your dating goals. Not a perfect formula to weed out the losers, but it helps. You have to be focused and assertive about your relationship goals or else you’ll just keep falling into the nonsense you described.

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