What do I suffer from?

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  • Jessy
    May 13, 2023 at 10:49 am #1120354

    It’s Saturday evening, I came home from work and just need to express my feelings and find some answers. I will try to keep it short and objective.
    I have been writing lately on this forum about an older guy I was interested to.
    But that’s old story now.

    I’m divorced for two years. Have a 7 years old boy. He lives with me one week, and one week with his dad. I love my son but always have struggled being a mom, as I am an introvert a love being quiet and have space. I work full time, I love my job, it’s creative, even if sometime I feel alone while working. I have not much family. Just my parents and my sister. But we don’t see each other very often but I don’t feel like to either even if I love them.
    I am indépendant, have my apartment, a shared car, but I struggle having my bills paid because I hate paying them. It gets me anxious It’s always been so… go figure out why.

    As a kid, I was a bit different. I went through bullying at school. I did many years of therapy and I can say it helped me regain self confidence.
    I do love myself even if i feel shity some days, but somehow I don’t love my life. I feel trapped always. Dating new guys has always been something that added some spice to my life. But lately I’m getting tired of it. I don’t meet anyone I truly like and when I like them, they disappear. I know how dating works nowadays, the boundaries you have to set until you get a committed relationships. I truly want to find a partner for life but I’m getting tired to try. And still I want to get that great feeling of meeting new guys.

    Each week I start to plan things, like going to the gym, stop smoking, stop drinking, and lead a healthy life. But I just can’t follow through. And then comes my son and I have to adjust to my moms life again. It’s like a respected circle of taking good resolutions for the week and then forgetting about it all and return to my bad habits. When I am alone, my daily routine is inexistant. I just go to work and come home to Netflix and chill.

    So what’s your opinion? What’s wrong with me?

    May 13, 2023 at 11:15 am #1120355

    It sounds like depressionl

    May 13, 2023 at 11:30 am #1120356

    Thanks Ron. It’s been nearly six month now I feel like this. That my daily routine disappeared. I do have chronic depression, I had it all my life and I know what it looks like. I even went trough medication, and still have. But it’s something different now but I don’t know what exactly… maybe some sort of emotional burnout?

    May 13, 2023 at 11:30 am #1120357

    It definitely could be depression. Had you ever been diagnosed with that in the past?

    Or you may just be in a rut, so to speak.

    Do you sleep enough / well? If not, maybe you need to focus on sleep hygiene and force yourself to exercise (walks, dance, whatever) enough to make you feel tired. That will boost your mood too. And you’ll have more energy and feel better and find it easier to make good decisions if you sleep well.

    You could also just start tracking your spending in a budget book you can buy on Amazon. Don’t resolve to do anything, just write down everything you spend money on for a month or two, then take a look at your habits, what you could cut out, how much money you could be diverting into savings. Maybe set up an app like Acorns, Chime, Fidelity Bloom, etc. that will help you start saving a little at a time and see it grow. You can earn up to 4.7% or maybe even more on your cash savings!

    You could try to get down to 1 cig a day. Patch up. Don’t drink alone.

    But if you’re struggling with this stuff, probably time to go back to therapy and get some help.

    May 13, 2023 at 12:40 pm #1120358

    Thanks Kate! I have been diagnosed with depression in the past and I know what it looks like. I am on therapy right now and on medication. my therapist does help me but she doesn’t have all the answers. That is why I look for a larger spectrum. Your apps might be helpful for what comes to budget etc… Thanks a lot but I feel so tired of this situation. I’d rather it be a good, deep depression than this floating state, I don’t know what it is, can’t name it and it scares me…

    May 13, 2023 at 1:03 pm #1120359

    So are you on antidepressants and you still feel like this? You might need a different dose or combination. If the meds could get you to the point where you can gather some motivation, it definitely sounds like you need some life changes.

    May 13, 2023 at 1:16 pm #1120360

    Thanks again for the apps suggestions Kate. That might be the kind of advices I need right now. I have downloaded a budget app, and I think it will help a lot.
    I do take pills, they work until a certain point. It’s an antidepressive. I take them for almost 20 years now (with breaks) they do help me but they have their own limits.

    The thing is I don’t feel depressed, but I feel like there is something wrong and I just can’t tell what. I just need some insights or some other point of views that would help me try something new. Like you just did with the budget app….

    May 13, 2023 at 1:27 pm #1120361

    You need a new therapist, one who actually helps you and probably a new dose or new kind/type of antidepressant. A little tweak can change things dramatically.

    Random advice forums online are not going to help you the way actual professionals who are medically trained to handle the (yes, it sounds exactly like depression) mental health issues you are having.

    Instead of spending your off weeks trying to change yourself and reinvent the wheel, why don’t you try to get organized, get a planner and get better and more intentional and routined about being a mom so that it doesn’t throw you for such a loop?

    Your therapist helps you in what way? You sound stuck and like this is as far as therapy can take you but it doesn’t really seem like you’re doing any work in therapy right now?

    May 13, 2023 at 1:54 pm #1120362

    I agree about finding a new therapist and ask about new meds.

    I am not clinically depressed, so the things that work for me like planning my day in a planner, tracking spending and food, walking 10k steps, 20 mins of weights, etc, may not for you if you can’t get that baseline level of feeling normal.

    May 13, 2023 at 1:56 pm #1120363

    I’m an introvert and have kids full time. I have a 7&8 year old. It is a struggle, but they are also young enough that not feeling affection and love from you could be really hard.

    I would really try to look at that time with your son as being your exercise to go beyond yourself and be the good mother your son needs. He’s not with you full time 24/7. You work full time, and he has school and lives with his dad every other week. That’s not a lot of time with your son, but you want less? Or do you want coping skills to handle your limits with your son? A better therapist can help you.

    May 13, 2023 at 2:22 pm #1120364

    I do work in therapy but I only see her every two weeks because I work full time. And in that lapse it seems counterproductive. I have seen 4 different therapist over the last 20 years and I think it’s not going to help more. That’s why I’m looking for other points of view or experiences.

    I admire you courage, anonymous, being an introvert and taking care of 2 young boys. Sometimes i think It would be easier being with my kid full time, so I wouldn’t have this ‘single girl’ life. I sometimes feel like a schizophrenic skipping from a moms life to a single girls life. It’s hard for me to handle. I also try to compartment. Meaning when I am with my kid, I don’t meet men, because I don’t feel like to, and I never introduced him to one of them, even if some asked me to.
    I think my kid sees there’s something wrong with me, he sees momy is off most of the time, and I just cant keep my tears from falling thinking of it, I feel so guilty.

    May 13, 2023 at 3:04 pm #1120365

    I really cannot stress the need for a new therapist and probably a new or different dose of meds. Just because you’ve had shitty/maybe good to a point therapists up to now doesn’t mean there aren’t better ones out there. You’re paying for help and medicine but not getting the help you actually neeed or the medicine that will really help you.

    Why are your weeks so different? Why do you live your life like that? It seems like when your son isn’t around you need men around to make you feel okay/good about yourself temporarily. Is that true? Is that the older guy thing, I think I remember?

    Why not keep your weeks nearly the same, except when your son isn’t with you, the big difference is just that he’s not there, and you just don’t have a minor to care for? And maybe then you see friends, go on a date once in awhile, but largely live like the person you want to be? Like, with behavior that doesn’t make you feel like a mess and out of control (that’s what I’m getting?)

    You can be more of a put together adult all the time, when you get your depression under control.

    You are making your own choices and living this way.

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What do I suffer from?

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