“What Does He Mean by ‘Let’s be friends for a while’?”
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From a LW:
“About a month ago, I met a guy, and sparks started to fly immediately. We get along great, we see eye to eye on many things, we have great and challenging conversations, we get each other’s jokes, and we have a lot of fun together. (Side note – I read on DW that “when a guy is interested in you, he won’t waste any time before acting like your boyfriend”. He’s the first guy I ever met that made me start to believe that)
When I met him, he just got out of a two year relationship two months earlier, when he moved to my town for his new job. On a couple of occasions, but without pushing it, I asked him if he’s over his “previous girlfriend” (he never referred to her as ex-girlfriend). He never gave me a straight answer, other than it wasn’t cut and dry, and he’s not on the rebound. We did have sex, and it was on the path from great to amazing. It just seemed that all the pieces were falling together in all the right places (he even made long-term plans – a couple of weeks ago he told me he’d like to come with me to my graduation in December). We saw each other for drinks last Friday, and he seemed more into me than I’ve ever seen him (it wasn’t a date – I only joined him and some common friends for a drink, then I went home because I was very tired). We talked about getting together on Sunday, but didn’t make definite plans. Sunday came and passed, and I haven’t heard anything from him. I felt he was pulling a fade out, but up until then he was very reliable and stuck to his word every time. He eventually got in touch on Monday, and said that he wanted to talk to me about slowing things for a while, and see each other as friends, since he started to realize he’s not ready for a new relationship. I did not take it very well. I agree that things were moving a bit fast, and I would have agreed to slow things for a while, but I wish he had told me about this before he blew me off the previous day. I was looking forward to spending time with him last Sunday because during the workweek we’re both rather busy, and he’s going back home for Thanksgiving this Friday, and last Sunday was the only chance we could have spent some quality time together for the next couple of weeks.
During the last few conversations, he told me I’m amazing, and he enjoyed spending time with me, he’s happy he got to know such a “cool girl”, and that he’s looking forward to spending time with me. In those same messages, he referred to himself as an “inconsiderate asshole”. I learned from DW that when someone tells them who they are, you should listen to them.
I think I got it figured out. I told him I don’t want to see him for a while, as I’m still very attracted to him, and the line between friendship and romantic relationship is pretty blurred for me right now. The temptation to go over the fence would be too great for me :). At the same time, I arranged for a date this weekend. I’m going to go rock climbing, which is something I wanted to do with him, but he kept pushing it off. Anyway, I was willing to wait for him to sort things out (I had thought about giving him two months before having “the talk”), but that was before he pulled the fade-out. I don’t trust him as much anymore. And I’m not willing to wait for him to sort things out after what he did. I guess I want to know if I am over-reacting.
And also, I want to know what guys think when they tell a girl “let’s be just friends for a while”. When I tell a guy that I want to be friends, it’s usually because I’m not attracted to them and want to let them down easy. With this particular guy, I don’t know what to think, since he’s obviously attracted to me. “
The guy isn’t in to you right now. My guess is he finds you attractive and definitely relationship-worthy, but he’s not over his ex/ doesn’t want a relationship right now. He blew you off because you’re just not that important to him at the moment. He suggested being friends because he recognizes the potential you have to be a great girlfriend and he doesn’t want to miss out on that completely, but he can’t pursue you in that way right now. He hopes that by being “just friends” you’ll be around if he ever decides to pursue something more with you. Basically, by agreeing to be his friend, you’re giving him all the power. Don’t do that. MOA. Tell him you like him and have enjoyed his company but you have enough friends right now. If he ever decides he’s interested in something more with you, he’s welcome to look you up, but you can’t promise you won’t be taken by then. And then say adios!
The non answer from him when you asked about his two month old breakup was the first bid clue in your post. And the inconsiderate asshole comment, nice catch. I think you’re noticing all the right things, but maybe still had the rose colored colored glasses on. I don’t think you’re overreacting but I wouldn’t wait around or entertain the friends thing, either. I guess it’s too bad you had sex right before this and maybe that’s why it feels worse, you trusted him and let him in despite your hesitations, and were still let down. I’m sorry.
I agree with all of the above. An additional key piece of info is how you (and presumably he to you) phrased his breakup with ex: “he just got out of a two year relationship two months earlier, when he moved to my town for his new job.” So, the breakup was geography-based, not the result of incompatibilities or a huge fight. He seems to have decided that he still wants his ex and wants to try to keep that going, despite distance.
I think you were a pleasant surprise in a new town and he genuinely likes you, but you are not #1 in his heart. He truthfully said he just isn’t ready for a new relationship. You are his backup plan, at least for now.
You shouldn’t lock yourself in place as his backup friend. MOA and date others.
What everyone else said. He means exactly what he told you: he’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you. Not right now and maybe never. The other part of “If a guy likes you, he’ll make sure you know” is to take that same guy at his word when he tells you it’s not in the cards right now. He’s not playing games. Take him at his word and move in from him as a romantic interest.
WEES, though I think he’s still involved with his girlfriend or they agreed to give it another go. He doesn’t say ex, he doesn’t say it’s over, and he suddenly just wants to take a sexual relationship to “friendship?” Yeah. But yeah, don’t do it.
