Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

What do I do?

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  • #1092037 Reply

    I’ve been married to my dream girl for 20 years. My problem started a few months ago. Over lockdown my wife joined an online music site. She has met some new friends on this site. They’ve recently started a WhatsApp group to keep in contact.
    My problem is shes onto this group all the time. If her phone pings at all she looks and answers straight away. They spend their evenings listening to the music and messaging each other.
    I recently discussed with her that we’re not as close anymore and she agreed while telling me that though she loves me she’s not in love with me.
    Tbh it broke my heart and caused me quite a few sleepless nights which she has said made her feel bad. She is now not too happy with my moods but I am trying to explain that I cant help it. Tbh I’m completely at sea. I dont know how to act or what to say.
    I dont want to tell her to cut of contact with this group but every time I see her laughing at their texts and smiling when she sees a funny meme they’ve posted it’s like a slow death to me.
    What do I need to do to fix this and make her feel for me like she used to do?

    #1092040 Reply

    Oh man. I’m sorry. This is serious, and there’s no easy fix. If she feels she’s fallen out of love with you and is being open about that, she is no longer engaged in the relationship. I don’t know if she met someone online, or if she had already disengaged from you and the group thing is just a symptom.

    You should tell her that the marriage is your top priority and you want to work together to figure out what went wrong and try to fix it. Ask her if she’d be willing to go to counseling with you. If not, you should make plans to get divorced, consult with an attorney. Unless you’re content to just be roommates.

    #1092155 Reply

    Oof. Not gonna lie, reading this takes me back to the end of my first marriage. Seeing her face light up in a way you haven’t seen in a long time from getting some meme or inside joke or whatever. It’s like discovering a tumor you didn’t know was there. The defensiveness when you tell her you feel distant. Your pain is very real my friend.

    Right now, you’ll have to find out what she wants and advocate for what you want. Try counseling if she’s willing, but don’t make the same mistake I did seeing a counselor who was also your partner’s private counselor as well. I walked in there and could just tell from the look on the counselor’s face that the marriage was over.

    #1093728 Reply

    As suggested above, ask her to go to marriage counseling with you. Not just any counselor, but one who specifically works with couples. It’s not an uncommon situation, and there may not be any way to salvage the marriage, but it sounds like it’s worth a try.

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