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What Happened?

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Brady 4 months ago.

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  • #750268 Reply
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    Brady

    22M here. Was dating a girl for about 5 months, first GF. Things are great. We’re BOTH talking about how happy we are, we’re BOTH talking about stuff to do this spring and summer.
    This past weekend I stayed there Thursday and Friday night and was gonna go with her up to her parents house for Easter Saturday night. Saturday midday I leave thinking I’m gonna see her in a few hours when she’s done working. About 30 min after I leave I get a text with a very thin excuse as to why I should maybe “take a rain check” on going to Easter. I immediately get a pit on my stomach and think somethings not right, but I hold onto hope that maybe I’m just over thinking it.
    So Saturday night and Sunday morning I say I love you and she doesn’t say it back. At this point I’m driving myself crazy, so I just ask, “Are we still good?” No reply for like 3 hours, I send another, “Hello?” Then I get the reply, “No I don’t think so, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and idk what I want in life, I don’t think we’re gonna work out, I’m sorry”. I’m completely blindsided by this. I’m sitting here falling more and more for her and then this happens. I text asking to “Call me please, I don’t get what’s happening” I never get a reply and she removes me from Snapchat and Facebook by the next morning still with no contact.
    I spend the rest of Sunday numb in front of the TV. So after 2 days of feeling the worst I’ve ever felt, I decide to just send what I’m feeling to her just to get it off my chest, not really expecting a reply. She does reply with something like “I’m sorry, I’m just really confused and don’t know what I want in life, and I realized we actually don’t have anything in common. Its not fair to you if I’m not in 100% and I cant” I ask if she thinks she’ll get past this confusion, if she thinks we’ll ever work? She says, “I’m sorry, I don’t think so”. I say “well I can’t make you want to be with me, I’ll always remember our time together and I hope you find what you’re looking for.” She says, “thank you, don’t think this was an easy decision for me, I just need to do this for myself”. I end with “well have a great life”.
    I do feel a little better having gotten those closure texts from her versus being left in the dark, but its kinda like being punched in gut 4 times instead of 5. I’m just struggling to sleep or concentrate at all at work. Any plans I had or things I was looking forward to were with her. The smart, logical part of brain knows I need to work on getting over her and moving on, but that dumb, emotional part of my brain in the back of my head keeps saying, “Maybe she’ll change her mind, maybe she’ll get over this confusion she’s having, maybe, maybe, maybe….”
    I’ve talked to some people on other sites and I’ve gotten some mixed opinions. First of all, this was hers and my first relationship, so there’s no ex resurfacing. I know she’s almost done with college and interning so has to find a “real” job now…I know she has a lot of tests to take to finalize college. I know she doesn’t know if she wants to stay in the area she’s in for college or go back to her hometown, which ultimately is only an hour away. So I feel like with all those things she had no control over, breaking up with me was something she could control. I had already met her parents before so it wasn’t the stress of that on Easter.
    I feel maybe my intensity just overwhelmed her and I just need to back off for a bit and maybe she’ll change her mind. I feel I took her for granted and got to routine with her after such a short time. Things she did in the past week tell me that she’s conflicted. On Wednesday she said, “I’m so damn happy!” and invited me to her Uncle’s wedding. Friday night she leaned over and initiated the kiss goodnight. Saturday we laid in bed all day cuddling. Also she was the first one to say “I love you” about two months ago.

    I’m trying to move on, but I can’t stop checking my phone for a message. Or wanting to send the message myself. I’m at 17 days of no contact.

    #750269 Reply
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    Northern Star

    I’m very sorry, but I would be extremely surprised if this relationship worked out. She broke up with you. The reasons why may not make sense to you, but she’s pretty clearly made up her mind.

    I suggest letting go and accepting that this is over.

    #750272 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I think you should focus on what you personally need in order to move on. You’re focusing on things you think you did wrong in the sense of trying to figure out if a specific change could repair the relationship. Most relationships end for much more vague reasons — like the person just isn’t feeling it with you. They may be able to articulate something like “it’s not the right time” or “we want different things,” but often, it’s really just that it doesn’t feel right.

    You’re also trying to list signs that she must actually want to be with you in hopes that she’ll come back. I know that if this is your first relationship, you may not be aware of this, but it’s VERY common for someone to seem good one moment and not the next. It could be that she was trying to make it work, was in denial, didn’t understand her feelings, or just after more time had passed and some of the “honeymoon phase” wore off, changed her mind. It doesn’t mean that she is wrong about not wanting to be in the relationship. I went out with a guy for a bit and he seemed great, and it was fun, but slowly I started to realize that I wasn’t as excited about seeing him as he was about seeing me. What initially seemed like a small thing eventually made me realize that the relationship wasn’t going to work. Breaking up with someone doesn’t mean you hate them or never liked them. It means you consciously made a decision that you wanted to stop seeing them. You can do that even if you previously enjoyed your time with them.

    You’ll miss her for a while, but eventually you’ll move on and at some point find someone else, who hopefully is a better fit. It’s good to keep in mind that within five months, it’s still a time to get to know a person and decide if you want to be with them. Not saying you should wait for the other shoe to drop, but it’s a feeling-out stage, so it’s not uncommon for someone to spend that time thinking and deciding what they want, rather than immediately committing to someone.

    #750273 Reply
    Lucidity
    Lucidity
    Member

    I’m sorry you got dumped, Brady. Getting dumped out of the blue by someone you love and were happy with is one of the worst feelings in the world.

    You’re not going to be able to move on until you accept that she’s not coming back. I know it’s hard to reconcile her sudden change of heart with how she was acting up until then, but she must not have been as happy as she seemed.

    Try to stop blaming and overanalyzing yourself and the way you acted. It’s not because you were either too intense or too complacent. There was nothing you could have done differently to prevent this, and there’s nothing you can do now to get her back. She just didn’t feel as strongly as you did.

    She isn’t the one for you. She might have been your first girlfriend but she definitely won’t be your last. You sound like a nice, sweet guy, and women will be attracted to that. Most people go through several failed relationships before we find Mr. or Mrs. Right, and the first heartbreak usually hurts the most. As time goes by, the pain will lessen.

    #750274 Reply
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    JD

    She’s done. She is not going to change her mind. People who do get back together don’t work out anyway, you broke up for a reason. I know this is your first break up so it feels crazy bad but you’ll be just as jaded and bitter as the rest of us one day and you’ll barely feel it. Ha ok sorry. Hopefully not. But seriously. Best advice is that you should never be with someone who isn’t excited to be with you. She isn’t. Someone else is.

    #750275 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    This probably won’t help much, but it’s true: Sometimes relationships fail, and you don’t know why. What happened to you is, unfortunately, pretty common. And you’re probably not ever going to know why it happened.

    That’s hard to accept, because emotionally, we often seek comfort in what we know, and what’s familiar. So, you’re drawn to wanting that relationship back because it felt good for a really long time.

    The best thing you can do to get past the pain is to accept that a) it wasn’t as good as you thought it was, and b) you’ll never get her back. Keep busy, keep yourself distracted, and fight the temptation to analyze what happened. It just prolongs the pain when you do that. Mourn the loss, live your life, and know that there are better relationships in your future.

    #750276 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    I’ll also add, don’t fixate too much on what you did wrong. You may not have done anything wrong. People don’t usually go from total commitment to an icy breakup overnight, so I suspect that she’s been feeling that she needed to leave for some time. She may have been behaving in such a loving way out of feeling guilty that she didn’t feel the same anymore, or to try to get the feelings back. Or, she may have met someone new.

    Regardless, overanalysis is not your friend in this situation.

    #750278 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    I’m sorry you’ve been split from your girlfriend. It hurts & isn’t fun. But she made the decision. Breaking up only takes one of the people in it to make it happen and then it’s final. You can’t negotiate your way back in. You want enthusiasm and mutual love in a relationship and if it’s gone, it’s a waste of your time being in it anyway.

    So now to the logistics: stop contacting her, block/stop following her on social media and make sure there is no way for you or her to get in contact. If you run into each other unavoidably, be polite but distant and unengage as soon as possible. Don’t go to places you spent time hanging out in or at least reduce the time spent in those places if not able to avoid them due to it being hard ; an example is of say living on a campus or in a small town. Now, part of you will want to tell yourself ‘I want to be friends so…’ Don’t fall for that. It’s a trap. Perhaps a some point in a year on two, it could happen, but it’s unlikely to work at moment & it’ll stop you healing and moving on. For the next four weeks, grieve and mope. Listen to sad songs, eat junk, cry, scream etc. Write in a paper jounal/ or on your lap top all of your feelings( not online, that stuff is forever; frankly this won’t be your finest moment- personally I burn up the book at one point in my break up time), yes it may be repetive with anger, sadness etc but the aim is cathartis and to not bore yourself and friends too much through out the months. Then after the month of moping, then get busy. Spend time with your friends. Volunteer for charity( animals or for people or environment etc), learn a / lots of new skills, join lots of meetup.com groups, get active, go partying etc. It’ll take 6 months or more to get over it. You’ll think of her every day, then in a few months it’ll be once a week and then…

    Wish you well & yes one day in the future there will be someone else you like.

    #750286 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    You’re doing great. It’s going to take time but so far you are doing really good.
    You need to focus on the fact that she broke up with you, and most likely, won’t change her mind. Even if she did, would you go back to someone that is confused about being with you? That broke up like this with you?
    First, get that out of your mind. She broke up with you. It’s over. She won’t change her mind.
    You need that in order to move on. Everytime you start to think about something she did or said, distract yourself.
    Trust me, you’re doing awesome. Keep it up.

    #750294 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Yeah, this is one of those situations that sucks but there is nothing you can do to change it. The reasons she broke up with you could be one of a thousand reasons from big to small. That’s her information as as frustrating as it may be to not know you will never know what’s behind it. She doesn’t owe it to you (not that you are saying that) and you have to now pick yourself up, take some time to give your emotions time to catch up to your new reality and move on.

    If this happens to you repeatedly, then I would say it’s time to look at your own behavior. But a sample size of one doesn’t give you enough information to say you could have done anything differently.

    #750319 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    There could be hundreds of reasons. Or no real reason at all, maybe she just doesn’t feel a spark with you. People often say what is expected in the moment, especially if they are having second thoughts. Maybe when she was daydreaming about the summer she realized she’d like to do all of those things…just not in a relationship. You’ll never know for sure. All you need to know is that it wasn’t working for her, and let go of knowing the exact reason. Move on. Good for you for not contacting her for 17 days.

    The wording in your our post is weird. You didn’t stay there this past weekend, if you’ve been without contact for over two weeks.

    #750330 Reply
    Lucidity
    Lucidity
    Member

    Anonymousse, I found the timeline strange too, but he said he’s been posting on other forums so I wonder if he copied and pasted something he posted shortly after the breakup and then added to it.

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