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Dear Wendy

What is he thinking? Do I have hope?

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #840557 Reply

    Hey hey!

    I need advice one a friend I’m starting to fall for. We’ve been friends for a while, he’s a really caring sweet guy. Very caring towards people in general. I’m his only female friend, I’ve got a few male friends, but I don’t have the same connection as I do with him. We seem to really understand each other and he does tell me a lot that we are similar in our ways of thinking. He always tells me I’m different from anyone he knows, that I’m unusual in a good way. We talk a lot about my dating and he wants me to stay single and work on myself. We are flirty with each other but he’s a natural flirt (in an innocent way).

    He’s quite religious and only believes in sex after marriage and will only be with someone that believes what he believes in. I believe in some of it as I am Christened and believe in some of his faith. He has been telling me lots about his beliefs and he tells me that things would help me as I do suffer from depression/anxiety. Not sure if he’s telling me because he’s being nice or sees something more. I would never have sex again and would turn to Christianity if I could be with him (I know that sounds extreme).

    He tells me he likes me a lot, I just assume he means in a friends way. He says he misses me when we don’t meet or chat for a week or so. He always tells me he likes me for my personality. I think he says this because he knows a lot of men just see my physical appearance and only like me for that. I love that he’s so passionate about things, caring and loving to people. He says I’m the only one that understands him and loves being around me. I just don’t know if he sees me as more than friends or if he would?
    Advice please. Thanks x

    #840558 Reply

    ask him.

    is he proselytizing or interested in a relationship with you?

    ask him

    BUT – you should never change yourself to meet someone else’s expectations.

    #840563 Reply

    Yeah, ask him. Talk to him about this. How do you know he’s a natural flirt, if he has no other female friends?

    But it honestly kind of sounds like he believes he knows what is right for you, and that’s why he’s already dictating what you do- stay single and work on yourself. It is interesting that you know he wouldn’t have sex with anyone who wasn’t as pious as he is. Is that a normal convo for casual friends? Is he telling you right now, in a way that you aren’t good enough? You aren’t Christian enough now, but maybe if you try real hard and do that, he’d be into you. It kind of seems like BS to me. Would you really do that?

    And honestly, that stuff about being different than everyone else and understanding him in a way no one else does…those are pickup lines people use. I mean, they could be true, but they are also cliches.

    Have you ever read about Freud’s Madonna/whore complex?

    #840565 Reply

    Nope. I don’t like this one bit. Please don’t compromise your good sense or beliefs to get with a boy. I dated intensely religious dudes when I went through my evangelical phase, and every one had weird hangups about bodies and sex and guilt and it’s just…not good. It’s not good that he’s telling you to be single and “work on yourself.” If he doesn’t like you as you are, and isn’t mature enough to tell you outright that he likes you, it will never work out. Get a dating app! Meet some new guys whose values align better with yours! If you want to explore your faith, do it on your own, not as a way to “earn” your way into a relationship. And get your anxiety/depression under control with a professional therapist before making any romantic decisions. You want to make these kinds of choices from a place of joy and strength, not desperation.

    #840566 Reply

    I don’t think I could ask him, as I’m scared it will change our friendship.

    We do have deep conversations and it was him that askede if I could ever be with someone and not have sex until marriage. I know he’s flirty with people when we are out. He’s got this extreme shyness mixed with confidence. I think he likes a bit of attention because his self esteem is kind of low. He does tell me I could get any guy I wanted whenever I’m ready. I think he’s telling me I should be single because I’ve had bad relationships in the past and awful dates recently.

    I just read about that Madonna/whore complex. I’m not sure, I mean I know he didn’t have a mother growing up as she left him when he was little and had no females growing up. Maybe he sees me as a “mother figure”?

    #840567 Reply

    This struck me: “I think he says this because he knows a lot of men just see my physical appearance and only like me for that.”

    How does he know that? Are men telling him that they only like you for your appearance?

    I understand you have a crush on him but if you aren’t on his level of religiosity it may cause some issues long term. How old are you two and how long have you two been friends? I think with more context I think I can give better advice.

    Also as anonymousses said – “different from anyone he knows” and “he says I’m the only one that understands him” are classic pickup lines. I’ve heard that from religious and non-religious men alike countless times.

    #840568 Reply

    I’m sorry, I don’t read any romantic interest at all from this guy. It really does sound like he just wants to be friends, and maybe recruit you to his church.

    Pretending to share his beliefs so he’ll be willing to date you isn’t going to work, and it’s not a very nice thing to do. It’s dishonest, and you can’t keep up the act over time. Be yourself, always. Be with people who like you just the way you are.

    #840570 Reply

    OMG, when I got till the part of having sex till marriage I totally lost it. Run for the woods, my little sweetheart. There are literally millions of non religious guys out there. These people need someone at their same level of intensity (and brainwash, tbh) to work out their relationships. Stop flirting, you dont heat food you are not ready to eat yet. Keep it platonic and be really sharp about the things he say. He could be trying to convert weak minded into his beliefs, and some are that keen, working on sutile levels of communication.
    PS: dont ever date guys with low self esteem. It sucks.

    #840577 Reply

    Do you think he’s been brainwashed? As he hasn’t always had a religious background or had any of the beliefs he has now until a couple of years ago. It did worry me that people were taking advantage of him because he has very low self esteem, I did tell him but he says it’s his choice. He’s never had sex ever, he’s 25. Never had a girlfriend either. He does say it’s out of choice. He is a good looking guy so he wouldn’t be short of offers. Not sure if I should let the religious brainwashing go or keep telling him that’s what they are doing?

    #840578 Reply

    Don’t tell him he’s been brainwashed. The church is clearly helping him deal with his stuff. In my experience, people who convert to Christianity as adults – and I’m talking the proselytizing, no-sex-before-marriage brand of Christianity – tend to get too intense about it and assume that because it helped them, everyone needs to share their exact beliefs. I doubt any healthy 25-year-old man has never dated “out of choice” – maybe out of unique circumstance, debilitating insecurity, or bad luck – but not choice. If you want, you can be clear with him about what you believe, and you can even tell him you’d like to date him – just not on his strict terms he’s laid out. It will probably help him as he matures to realize there are other perspectives and opportunities for him out there. It sounds like this guy likes you, but that you have some deep incompatibilities that make this the wrong choice for you.

    #840582 Reply

    I’m sure he’s a nice guy but when one partner is more devout than the other – whoo that is not a good situation. Not only that but really fundamentalist religions that demand virginity – there are a whole host of other issues that go along with that nonsense. They marry really early because people want to have sex. So to make it OK – people get married really early before they even know who they are as a person. And then they demand you stay together because of god or whatever.

    A lot expect the wife to be subservient to the husband, they expect her to take care of the house and the children. He makes the financial decisions. It’s not how I could live.

    I don’t think he’s been brainwashed; I do think this religion is giving him what he needs right now. That could change, but it might not.

    Telling you that others only value your looks – that’s manipulative behavior and he doesn’t know that. Sure, there may be guys out there that are like “She’s cute!” but there are probably guys out there that also think you’re funny and interesting.

    I think you like him because he’s safe. He’s taken sex off the table. There is no pressure – and that’s OK. You don’t have to have sex until you’re ready, but I think this is part of his appeal for you.

    #840585 Reply

    No sex until marriage eh? he must have a mirco penis, be aware… Anyways just ask him but you have to be down to change to his beliefs if you want this to work out.

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