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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

What is this?

Home Forums Advice & Chat What is this?

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  • #1109646 Reply
    Lana
    Guest

    Six months ago I thought I met the perfect man. For three weeks of us dating everything was going great. Then he changed. He started saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship but decided to stay anyway. He eventually moved in. That’s when it turned into a nightmare. He would yell and argue with me about the smallest things, and he always talked about how his life is terrible and he wanted to die. I stayed by him and tried my best to help him with what he was going through but he didn’t want my help. He would go to other girls for help. While he stayed with me he would stay up all night play video games and sleep all day. He never once helped with money or chores. I would come home from work to a mess. Everyday I had to hear about how he didn’t want a relationship how he didn’t want to be with anyone and how much his life sucked. He was constantly yelling at me and taking his frustrations about life on me. Regardless of his behavior I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, supported him and bought him whatever he wanted. Eventually his behavior became too much and I threw him out. It was only a week till I wanted him back. He came back and has been here since. Now he calls me just his friend as he kisses me back sleeps in my bed I’m still buying him things cooking and picking up after him and sometimes we have sex. He’s always talking to other girls about his life and how bad it is but never wants to confide and talk to me. He kept me a secret in the past and called me his friend to his friends after everything I did and still do for him. I told him I love him and his response was I don’t love anybody. The worst part is I love him so much but at the same time I should listen to family and friends when they say I deserve better. I’ve given this man so much love, support, care, and time. He says he is emotionally dead and doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to love. He said one day maybe someone will come around and turn his emotions back on for him. This has hurt me because why someone else? All the dedication I’ve given I would think he would allow it to be me. I’ve turned down many dates and decent men in the hopes that he will turn around and change. I was hoping he would change the second time around but he has fallen back into his old selfish complaining ways. He sleeps all day stays up all night never leaves the house. He barely showers even when I ask him to. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’ve given up on the thought of ever being married or having true love in my life. My whole world is on pause for him waiting for him to come around and see that the family he always wanted is in front of his face. Please some advice on this would be so appreciated. There is so much I’m leaving out.

    #1109649 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ok, you asked what is this. This is a woman ignoring red flags, and then doubling down thinking she can fix a guy who’s trash.

    He couldn’t even act right for a MONTH before he showed you who he really is. And you need to take responsibility for the fact that you let him move in and leech off of you even after telling you he didn’t want a relationship. When someone says that, believe them. It sounds like you thought, ok, well, he thinks he doesn’t want a relationship, but if I treat him like an absolute king then he’ll wake up and realize that he does want a relationship, with me. It doesn’t work like that. What happens is he lets you do all that shit for him but he also has the freedom to go out looking for other women to date, because he told you you’re not in a relationship and you accepted that.

    The good news is you only spent 6 months on this mistake. You can now kick his dumb ass out and take care of your own self. And eventually say yes to a guy who treats you right. No matter how much effort you sink into this, it will only get worse, not better.

    #1109650 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    And please tell me you don’t have kids.

    #1109651 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    People are slow to change, if they do at all and they have to really want to. He told you and has continued to tell you he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He’s emotionally dead. You just hope he will change and see your dedication and love you back. I’m sorry, but that’s not how it works. Real life is not a rom com where if you put in enough work, the shitty guy will magically turn into a guy who loves and cares for you, doesn’t reach out to other women in front of your face, and actually contributes to your household.

    Why would you turn down decent men and stay with this guy? Really think about that. I see nothing attractive or good about him that you have mentioned.

    Kick him out and spend the money you were throwing away supporting him to get into therapy and figure out why you would pursue a man who told you right from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship.

    #1109654 Reply
    Mojo
    Guest

    He is using you and abusing you. He will continue to do so until you permanently and completely remove all traces of him from your life.

    Focus on YOU. Get counseling to help you remove this parasite from your life. Focus on making your life (not his) better. Focus on your happiness. Not his. He is an adult and he is responsible for his choices and his own happiness. He is manipulating you and causing you constant pain and shame.

    Take back control of your life. You are stronger than you think. You can do it! Check back here if you need encouragement. You are not alone.

    #1109656 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Therapy! You were love-bombed to convince you to allow a guy, who upfront says he doesn’t want a relationship, into your home after less than a month. You had fell in love with a brief fiction, which he deliberately presented to you in order to get a place to live, food to eat, a housekeeper to meet his every need and buy whatever he asks for. He is a leech and he cheats and he obviously has no intention of supporting himself or even doing less than his share of housework. You had excellent reasons to throw him out, but made the mistake of taking him back. You’d be better off with a dog or cat companion.

    Throw him out again. That’s the only possible ending, because it doesn’t get any better from here. Then therapy for why you are looking for a lost soul to save and willingness to sacrifice so much with so little effort in return. Btw, this particular guy seems less lost soul and more master manipulative grifter. In any case, he quickly figured out how susceptible you were to his tale of a life he hated and excused everything he did or didn’t do on the basis that this is who he is and is just incapable of loving anyone, including himself. Seems not true, since he was able to be a different person for your first three weeks with him. That’s the proof of phoniness and manipulation.

    #1109671 Reply
    Lana
    Guest

    I do have kids but they are from a previous relationship. They’re 13

    #1109673 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well, don’t model this behavior for your kids anymore. Kick him out for good.

    #1109674 Reply
    PurpleStar
    Guest

    This is ridiculous! You are ridiculous. You do not love this man after 6 months – wait, he moved in at less than 6 months with you and your CHILDREN !!!

    Kick him out and get your ass into therapy. Get your kids into therapy also so they can un-learn the horrible life lessons that you have modeled for them.

    I am sorry, but it is hard to have sympathy for women who move random men in with their kids. Especially after said random man has made it abundantly clear that he is only after what he can get from you…and this guy he struck the mother load – sex, housing, maid service, laundry service, a chef, and probable access to all your money.

    This will never change and this is what you are teaching your children.

    Just get him out and work on figuring out what in the hell makes you think so little of yourself and your kids. Because, I promise, you are better than this.

    #1109675 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    He moved in in waaay less than 6 months. It’s only 6 months since she met him and he’s already moved in once, been awful and thrown out, after a week of him gone he was invited back, has since been awful again for long enough that LW wrote to Wendy. I’m guessing she moved him in after about 1 month, as she says things were only good between them for 3 months, before he revealed his true self — probably within weeks of moving in.

    #1109676 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    Oops! things were good for only 3 weeks, not 3 months.

    #1109678 Reply
    WhatsItMean?
    Guest

    Give up, and move on. Forgive my bluntness, but you obviously must have an underlying mental health problem that messed with your ability to believe him, to begin with, which he clearly took advantage of; which sucks. But that doesn’t change the fact that you have made terrible choices. Go get therapy, consult a pastor, see a counsellor, or whatever your preference is.
    You are a human being and like all humans, you are deserving of unconditional love. This gentleman isn’t going to give it to you. And I worry that if you don’t get the help you aren’t going to find it. I’m very sorry that this person took your need to be loved and twisted it to meet their own selfish ends. Perhaps this is a good lesson for you to learn and perhaps you need to re-evaluate what you think love is? Because it isn’t this.

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