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Dear Wendy

what life choice do I make

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  • #1110483 Reply

    Right here we go

    I have been with my partner for 5 years, before meeting him my weight was a real issue I’ve always been big girl but around when I was 21 my weight really became a issue to the point it was ruining my life , I’d stay in all the time, had no confidence, no friendship or relationship , couldn’t find work due to anxiety,I was just hiding away in my room just existing and not living.

    Till one day I woke up and realised I needed to change , so I went on a diet and lost 8 stone in 9 months which absolutely changed my world

    After loosing all the weight I decided to give online dating a go , and this is where I met my currently partner.

    So everything was perfect I lost weight & got my confidence , got a job and what felt like my life back & a perfect little relationship , me and my partner have always talked about moving in and starting a family I know he would love to be a dad more than anything and I would love to be a mum

    Since then I have slowly fallen into bad habits and put all the weight back on, I hate myself for this & have tried for months to lose the weight again but this time around it’s just not happening for me

    I found out last year that my boyfriend was messaging and sending nudes to other girls which was a total shock to me , he did this on 10 different occasions ( of what I know of)

    Since then I gave him a second chance & we moved in to a flat together
    1 month after moving in together I found out he was messaging and sending nudes to girls AGAIN

    Since then he has changed doesn’t seem interested in me and doesn’t show any affection , he always shouts and gets snappy with me so we have been arguing a lot , & I feel if we wasn’t living together I probably would have ended it

    Before we moved in we decided we wanted to start a family and move in together , my partner has medical issues which means if we would like a baby we would need to undergo IVF treatment.

    Before moving in I went to my doctors and told them our issues , from all that I’m aware of I’m healthy enough/have no underlying health issues to where I wouldn’t be able to conceive a baby in the normal way , we need to have IVF due to my partner

    Our IVF journey is at very early stages but I have had all the relevant tests and so has my partner and the next stage is being transferred to an IVF clinic I have one more doctors appointment before we are transferred.

    Meanwhile … I have been having doubts about everything

    My weight has become such a issue I struggle in my day to day life and feel that low confidence and depression creeping back, and think carrying a baby at this weight would be so uncomfortable & I would possibly gain more weight during pregnancy.

    I have tried for several months to lose the weight but really am struggling & giving up

    My good friend has just had weight loss surgery ( gastric band ) and has lost so much weight but gained her life back
    With this being said I did my own research and spoke to a private hospital who I got more information about the surgery from and with deep thought I think it’s the road I want to go down.

    Any surgery is a scary thought & my overthinking brain thinks the worst but my weight is affecting my life so bad that it’s something I’m willing to go through.

    Obviously I can’t not undergo IVF and weight loss surgery at the same time and it’s advised you wait 1-2 years after a gastric band to fall pregnant.

    I feel if I don’t go through with IVF my relationship will be over , and i maybe in my 30s until I meet someone else and fall pregnant.. and if I undergo the surgery it will be one of the most amazing life changes for me

    but I’d love to have a baby more than anything and my opportunity to become a mum is at my finger tips,

    I need to make the choice soon
    Do I continue with my doctor for IVF
    or do I attend the meeting with the private hospital about the weight loss surgery??

    What do I do , I’m running out of time
    ! Any advice would be appreciated xox

    #1110487 Reply

    Well lots to deal with here. My first thought is that if your boyfriend appears to care more about your weight than you as a person, then he is not a good partner for you. Plus the nude photos and messaging etc. are not good signs either. Maybe he really has never been that great? Maybe you gained weight because he has not treated you well? His behavior with being rude and snappish is not good. Sounds like this is a relationship that should be over for both of you. If you moved in together,….you can also move out.
    You can still have treatments and or try for a baby when you are in your 30s. I think at this stage having a baby, especially with this guy is a bad idea.
    As to having the gastric surgery,that is a fairly drastic step. You were able to lose weight before on your own. I would try that first. It would be easier maybe if you were on your own without the stress of being with him. You could focus on getting yourself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.
    One more note on weight loss surgery, I personally know people that had it and got very sick and developed a lot of health problems. They regretted it. Not saying that will happen to you, but be aware but complications can occur.

    #1110490 Reply

    I think you should dump the boyfriend and definitely see a therapist. Hire a trainer or join a gym and try to lose some weight on your own. A shitty bf who sends nudes and asks for nudes and is possibly cheating is definitely helping you feel very, very shitty about yourself and you are turning to an unhealthy coping mechanism- food. Fix the real issue, your unhealthy coping skills. They can need to be replaced with healthier skills a therapist can teach you. Dump the asshole. Maybe a nutritionist?

    I know it’s hard work and takes a lot of discipline to lose and surgery is relatively easier, at least faster but I actually know a few people who had that gastric lap band surgery. Eventually, they (a couple) let their bad habits continue. They are ahem, unhealthily large again. You’d never know they had the surgery. I know that’s just anecdotal. If you want to lose weight and get healthy to have a baby, more power to you but don’t do it with a guy who is probably/possibly cheating on you.

    I’m sorry he’s a jerk. Hugs to you. Good luck.

    #1110492 Reply

    Thanks Peggy you pointed out some good points , I do think I may be emotionally eating for sure.

    I really have given the diet another go like I did before but I lose barely anything.
    And just in a constant diet stopping and starting ..Like you said I need to really focus on my self mentally & physically .

    Maybe a baby isn’t right for me right now which I’m so sad about I feel like I have wasted the doctors time and if I did need treatment again they wouldn’t take me seriously because I flaked out last Minute
    The doctors are waiting for me to call them about the next stage I feel sick with the thought of calling them to say cancel everything .

    I think finishing with my partner is the route I’m more leaning to but I know the heart ache at the end of that tunnel
    I’ve planned my future with him and to end it all just something I’m avoiding I think

    I am in a contract with the landlord till January if I feel like I need to end things with my partner I think that will be the time to do it

    I will definitely give the surgery thought before I go through it even tho my friend has had an amazing experience and outcome with it I know my experience my not be the same

    Thank you for your advice Xx

    #1110493 Reply

    Anonymousse-A therapist or nutritionist is a very good idea that’s something I will definitely look into as I think that would be good support & help

    Thank you for your advice xox

    #1110494 Reply

    Nooooooo don’t have a baby with this guy. Your relationship is already over.

    You should break up, move out, be single, and it’ll probably be easier to make healthier choices with body movement and food. See a therapist about your shitty self-image. Go out with your friends. Have FUN.

    Once you’re in a much better place you can think about gastric surgery.

    #1110495 Reply

    Kate –
    That is true ,Think being on my own will benefit me in the long run , just a really hard step to make

    All your advice is making the right choice clearer

    Thanks for your advice x

    #1110497 Reply

    Please don’t stay until January! 7 more months of this will just get worse. If you are stuck in a lease, can you kick him out? Find a friend or roommate if you are concerned with costs. Do whatever you can to be free of this relationship. Wish you well!

    #1110498 Reply

    Alsoit sounds like you did not date alot, have relationships before this guy. So you may not have much experience in being with a good guy/good match for you. There is much better out there and you also have lots of time…you are only still in your 20s it seems. Relax, figure yourself out and enjoy the process/life. Have fun like Kate said. Also if you haven’t many friends, work on that part first.

    #1110499 Reply

    In a situation like this where you’re not sure what to do, you definitely should not make a big, high-commitment, rash move like getting pregnant or having elective or cosmetic surgery. You might be depressed right now, you’re definitely in a bad relationship situation, you’re feeling all kinds of stress. This is not the time to do anything like what you’re thinking about. You definitely need to leave this relationship though. Yes, it’s hard, it’s always hard, but it’s so worth it because then you can get better.

    #1110500 Reply

    Peggy- this is my first serious relationship long term , I’m 28 now , think I’m still holding on to the old him and how it used to be and what could be . I wouldn’t be able to afford my current flat alone & both our names are in the contract , I did think moving out sooner but just not financially able to , and feel I could save for deposit etc by January , I know staying till then isn’t helping me but part me doesn’t want let go and also realistically if I move out could find myself in difficult situation money wise

    Kate – my head in overdrive thinking of ways to try and fix absolutely everything …your right I shouldn’t be doing either of those big changes in my life yet really as I may regret doing either

    I’m definitely feeling down but Thank you this has helped massively xx

    #1110501 Reply

    If you have a supportive family, could you ask to stay with them awhile or borrow the money from them to get you out of this situation? Just hate to see you stuck, I hope you have options.

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