Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › what life choice do I make
- This topic has 23 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 1 week ago by
Daisy.
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anonymousse
ParticipantYou may have to pay to get out of the lease but even that is better than staying with a man like this. I agree, don’t make big decisions involving surgeries to fix anything unless you want it fixed. Good relationships don’t take a lot of work. They are kind of seamless and easy, most of the time. I’m 38 and I’ve been married/with my husband for 12 years. Even the very shittiest of shitty times don’t feel too bad with the right person. We’ve never needed something drastic to fix it, like a surgery or (literally the worst reason to have a child is to fix a bad relationship.)
The doctors aren’t going to be mad if you cancel. If they are, they weren’t out for your best interests, regardless. You need to work on your people pleasing tendencies.
Fyodor
GuestWhatever else ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE A BABY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. In the future do not have a baby in an uncertain relationship.
Guest“Maybe a baby isn’t right for me right now which I’m so sad about I feel like I have wasted the doctors time and if I did need treatment again they wouldn’t take me seriously because I flaked out last Minute
The doctors are waiting for me to call them about the next stage I feel sick with the thought of calling them to say cancel everything”I am absolutely sure that the doctors have had people change their minds. Fertility decisions are very challenging and people back out all of time. And even if they get mad (they won’t) you are going to create a new human life for whom you will be permanently responsible to avoid upsetting the doctors?
Helen
GuestDon’t have a baby with this dude. You already have one foot out the door. You’re 28, that’s plenty of time to have children, there’s no rush. Get your weight loss surgery and meet someone who’s deserving of your affection. I’ve known people who’ve had weight loss surgery and it was fantastic for them.
Kate
KeymasterNot trying to call you out, but you commented on another thread that your boyfriend is using drugs, has no money, no motivation, plays video games all day. Add to that, he sends nudes to other women, shows you no affection, snaps at you, you argue all the time, the total picture here is 100% dump this dud.
What you have here is a shitty roommate who doesn’t pull his weight, and you’re holding on to some illusion of potential and are scared to be alone. Once it gets like this, it never ever gets better, only worse until it completely falls apart. That’s why I say it’s already over, you’re just not admitting it to yourself. Even if you have to move in with a friend or family temporarily, who cares. Or get a roommate who pays rent and does their part.
ParticipantKick him out and please see a therapist. He’s a black hole. If you have a baby with him, he’s not going to parent, it’ll all fall to you while he keeps playing video games and doing drugs. We get a ton of those letters all the time. Babies don’t make a person better (good lord, please do not contradict me here) babies are what you do when you have a happy, pretty easy relationship for a good amount of time that makes you feel like you’re a crazy person in love. It doesn’t make you feel depressed, sad, grasping at straws to make the thing that sucks last longer.
I say that with love and hope that you make a better choice for yourself and kick the loser out. He’s the weight dragging you down, but you need to see a professional for your own issues and esp. why you’d accept this guy as love.
CanadaGoose
GuestAs you are not 110% certain you want a baby right now, do NOT do IVF. First of all, it is thousands of dollars a cycle and doesn’t always take. You may need multiple rounds. There is a high chance of multiple babies, because they are typically implanting a few embryos at a time hoping one will be viable. The hormone shots aren’t fun and make you feel like you’re already pregnant. Ideally, you want a partner you can rely on during that time and then to collaborate on the small matter of raising a child or children. You will gain weight in pregnancy, everyone does. But it’s being a mom you need to think about. You have never known exhaustion like having a baby. Young kids are full-on responsibilities and whomever you have kids with, you are tied to for nearly 2 decades. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are beloved, but holy hell they are a lot of work, worry and expense. I would never embark on that journey with a guy you are already unsure of, and nudie guy sounds like a poor bet. Get healthy and focus on you now because once you have kids, your needs take a backseat to theirs. You won’t have the luxury of time to get surgery or much else if you end up a single mom. You can have kids later but you can’t unhave them or put them on hold once they arrive.
CopaParticipantDo not have a baby with this man! Omg. Just no. The man you’ve described here isn’t a good or loving partner.
You really seem to lean into the idea that happiness will be waiting on the other side of weight loss. This is a myth. If that’s all it took, your life would be different right now, right? Many people who diet end up regaining the weight they lost and oftentimes more because they met their goals in unsustainable ways. And if you under fuel yourself long enough, your resting metabolic rate drops, making it harder and harder to lose weight. I highly recommend working with a registered dietitian to build sustainable healthy habits before opting into invasive surgery.
You are worthy of love, kindness, and respect regardless of your size. If that is any part of the reason you are hanging onto this dud, please know that there are people out there who will love you well regardless of the dress size you’re in.
WhyDoWeExist?
GuestDump the man, give yourself a year to try to lose the weight naturally after the breakup has taken place and if after a year you still feel it necessary look into cosmetic alternatives. This in no time to be making life changing choices.
Don’t wait 7 months that is a terrible idea. Letting a wound fester just increases the likelihood of amputation being required.
KeymasterI would also say, make sure you’re following influencers with bigger bodies. And older influencers who are aging pretty naturally. Stop looking at images of thin bodies, Instagram face, all this crap where so much of it is fake. Just reject it. No one actually looks like that. The more you fill your feed with images of real bodies, body neutrality content, the safer your mental health will be.
ParticipantI agree with Kate. There are so many body positive accounts that don’t shame but are supportive.
I really hope you start to see that you are not your size or what you look like. You’re worth more than what you’re getting. But that isn’t going to change by pointing it out, you have to lose the loser because he doesn’t want to and is not ready to change. He’s dead weight for you. You need to be free and figure out your self a little bit better, I think.
Daisy
GuestFirst of all, do NOT have a baby with this man. He is not a loving or supportive partner. IVF, pregnancy, and parenting are all really hard even during the best of times. This guy is going to make it awful. He has treated you badly over and over again, and others have said, may actually be part of why you have gained weight again. Also, if you can’t afford to move out now, how much harder will it be when you have a child to support? I worry that you will end up trapped with someone who is terrible to you (and likely will be a terrible father).
Second, please do not beat yourself up (or let anyone else shame you) that you have regained weight, or that you can’t lose it as easily this time around, or that you are considering weight loss surgery. The old adage of “eat less, exercise more” doesn’t actually work reliably. Doctors and scientists do not actually understand what causes obesity or how to fix it (here’s a really interesting article about that: https://kjzz.org/content/1731838/experts-still-know-surprisingly-little-about-obesitys-origins). The surgery can often be successful and many people are very happy with the results. Don’t let anyone shame you into thinking it’s somehow morally superior to starve and exhaust yourself than have surgery. It’s not. There are definitely risks and drawbacks to surgery, so it’s not a choice to make without a lot of consideration. But the only opinions about it that count are yours and the medical professionals you choose to consult.
Finally, I know you said money is tight, but if there’s any way you can access therapy, please do so. You are struggling with so much, and you deserve someone who can help you work through the shame and loneliness you have experienced because of your weight, the pain your boyfriend has caused you, the difficult decision you face about surgery, and the disappointment of putting off motherhood. Any one of those things sends people to therapy all the time — you have all of them to grapple with!
I hope you focus right now on getting away from your toxic relationship and taking care of you. You deserve kindness, love and happiness, no matter what you weigh. I hope you spend some time doing things and going places and seeing people who truly bring you joy.
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