“What Should Be My Next Move?”
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From a LW:
“After a really long time where I’ve pretty much been celibate (I haven’t dated anyone in a while, and I don’t really do casual sex, so… yeah), I finally found a guy that I really, really like. We have a lot of overlapping interests, but we’re different enough that we have a lot to talk about, and we get along really well- the last time we hung out, I dropped him off at his place because he had things to do, but we still hung out in the parking lot and talked and joked around another 10 minutes after we got there, and he even invited me in to keep things going, until I reminded him he was supposed to be busy!
So there’s been a little bit of very subtle flirting, but I’m having a hard time figuring it out overall. I’m pretty sure he knows I like him now- I asked him straight out the last time we talked if he had a girlfriend (I know men are sometimes kinda dense, but I figure that question is a pretty clear signal). Turns out he doesn’t, but he is in the process of getting divorced- they initiated proceedings only about six months ago. I don’t know much about the circumstances; he hasn’t said anything demeaning about his ex-wife and mostly sounds pretty positive about it all, but he doesn’t seem all that eager to jump back into a relationship, which I can understand. I, on the other hand, am in a much different place because I’m totally sick of being alone. I’ve been single for more than two years, and haven’t even been on a date in over a year and a half.
I guess the question is, what should my next move be? I don’t want to simply stand by hoping he makes a move and get stuck in the friend zone, but I also don’t want to come on too strong and scare him off. I really don’t want to be a rebound- I like him too much to be okay with just hooking up with him. I see him and talk to him on a pretty regular basis (we work for the same company, but not at the same location; I’m not worried about work conflicts if we get together, for a couple of reasons), and we just made a standing date to start working out together. What should I do?”
I asked this to ChatGPT because it’s actually been giving fire advice, but in this case I don’t agree with it. It’s below, though, in case you’re interested.
My take on it: it’s never a good idea to date someone who’s not yet divorced. AND This guy is telling you nicely that he isn’t interested in dating you. Meanwhile I think you’re very eager to have a relationship, and this is a recipe for being unhappy. Personally I think you should peace out of this and tell him you’d love it if he got in touch once he’s divorced. Then you should meet other guys and get on with your life.
Here’s what the AI said:
It sounds like you’ve found someone you really connect with, and I can understand why you’re feeling a bit unsure about how to proceed. Given that he’s in the process of getting divorced, it’s understandable that he may not be ready for a serious relationship just yet, but that doesn’t mean you should give up hope completely.If you’re interested in pursuing something more with him, my advice would be to take things slowly and let him set the pace. You’ve already made plans to work out together, which is a great opportunity to spend more time together and get to know each other better. Continue to engage in meaningful conversations and try to find common ground.
While you don’t want to come on too strong, it’s important to be honest about your feelings. Perhaps at some point during your conversations, you could let him know that you’re interested in exploring a romantic relationship, but that you’re willing to take things at his pace. This will give him the opportunity to share his thoughts and feelings with you and help you determine if he’s open to exploring something more.
Ultimately, the most important thing is to be true to yourself and your own needs. If you’re not interested in just hooking up and want something more meaningful, be clear about that. And remember, even if things don’t work out with this guy, there are plenty of other wonderful people out there who are looking for the same thing you are. Don’t give up hope, and keep putting yourself out there.
I tend to agree with Kate, in that you are SUPER keen to be in a relationship and this guy sounds like he isn’t there yet. It seems like he’s attracted to you but won’t be able to give you what you want, and if you try to force it you’ll set yourself up for heartbreak.
With all the standing gym dates and chatting etc just be careful to not set yourself up as his emotional support rebound. Keep those boundaries strong.
I’m so freaked out by the whole ChatGpt and AI stuff. I think it’s going to ruin what’s left of our humanity. 🙁
He’s not into you. He knows you’re interested and he didn’t bite. It’s time to move on.
Do it for your ego, if anything.Wendy I absolutely agree re AI. It’s a wonderful tool for some things,but I have a lot of reservations about its use.
Hazel, after I posted that, I read this article, where the “godfather” of AI warns that it is a threat to humanity:
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/01/technology/ai-google-chatbot-engineer-quits-hinton.htmlHe just quit his job at Google so he could speak openly about his fears.
If AI will replace jobs – sorry, not “if” because AI WILL replace jobs – we need basic universal income, stat.
We’ll be lucky if it just takes our jobs.
When I try to say things at work like, uhhhh why wouldn’t it just k*!! us all, I’m being “all doom & gloom.” But it’s going to. Probably not within 20 years but possibly.
There have been a lot of calls from experts for companies to pause AI R&D for 6 months to a year so that humanity as a whole can take stock and fully think through the possibilities – and consequences – of what we’re doing, and set conscientious parameters. I believe there’s a formal petition. Of course that won’t happen.
There are some thinkers who suggest that AI is the single greatest existential threat facing humanity right now, surpassing even climate change. To some, that might sound like a bunch of fear-mongering from olds afraid of change, but it makes me think of the Great Filter theory. It posits that intelligent life is common in the universe, but the reason we’re not encountering it is because every civilization reaches a point (the “Great Filter”) where their technological progress outpaces their wisdom and results in their destruction – resource exhaustion, nuclear disaster, causing climate change, underestimating AI.
