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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

What the heck do I do?

Home Forums Advice & Chat What the heck do I do?

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 43 total)
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  • #1112756 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Also, I was responding to the part where “the worst thing is someone’s tarnishing my reputation!” I was saying some tarnished anyones reputation. People generally do that themselves.

    #1112757 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    *was not

    #1112758 Reply
    Lisa H
    Guest

    You are easily offended and that will cause you serious problems in your role in the church and life in general. You were looking for this caterer to mess up and you were locked and loaded. The caterer was out of your chain of command. But your biggest issue is losing your temper and yelling because someone questioned your integrity. So basically you acted without integrity for your integrity being questioned. I suggest that you stop caring for what others think of you. In this case, state the facts as you see them and end the conversation with a statement that you will not discuss this further until the pastor has spoken to the people that were berated. You could have asked the pastor for their advice on how that situation should have been handled also you could have asked the details of what the witness said like was it my body language, tone, or words. But, most important, and I repeat, if you know that you have acted with integrity then don’t lose your temper. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin.

    #1112762 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah… you’re young and this comes with time, but you have got to stop taking anything personally at work, and involving yourself personally in things that aren’t your responsibility. If someone’s being a dick, they’re probably a dick to everyone. And/or they are going through something challenging. It’s got nothing to do with you. And if you don’t involve yourself in things, there is less opportunity for trouble. Also, don’t get angry at work. Don’t yell. In that situation with your senior minister telling you he heard you berated the caterer, a better response would have been a thoughtful pause, and then maybe, “wow, Jim, that’s really surprising. I am trying to think how they could have gotten that impression. Did they give you any specifics?” And then you’ll have a chance to calmly explain what happened from your POV. Practice taking your *self* out of the situation entirely and focus on resolving the problem with the right outcome. Trust the Lord or whoever.

    #1112763 Reply
    Tui
    Participant

    I may be projecting here, but if things aren’t going right in my life and I’m feeling frustrated in general, I end up focusing on the actions of other people and seeing injustices everywhere. I understand being upset with the caterer as he sounds like awful and confronting him wasn’t the best idea, but it’s the reaction when you were called out on it that is the problem.

    Do you enjoy being a big part of church life and your training, or is it something you feel that you should be doing as you’ve come this far and are grateful for the support they gave you and your family? I imagine you have to give up a lot and it can be all encompassing, with church life becoming very insular. Do you have any outlets that are not church related or has that become your whole life?

    It sounds as if you want to have the respect you think you deserve, but being in a leadership role means making mistakes and being humble and self aware enough to accept that and take the feedback. You’re there to serve God and your church, not to have everyone praise you. The fact you want to know who reported you is the most disturbing aspect, as it gives the impression you would go and confront them to tell them why they’re wrong. You can’t control how people see you and think about you so just let it go.

    I don’t think any of us think you’re a bad person, but it would be really helpful to have some kind of accountability and therapy away from the church environment.

    #1112764 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    “The fact you want to know who reported you is the most disturbing aspect, as it gives the impression you would go and confront them to tell them why they’re wrong. You can’t control how people see you and think about you so just let it go.”

    This is an essential function of living and being happy, not caring if all people like you, and knowing and accepting that not everyone will always like you. You don’t even like everyone.

    #1112765 Reply
    PurpleStar
    Guest

    You come across as immensely sactimonious in this and your previous post. It was not your place to reprimand the caterer – and, Ewe, how inappropriate to chastise an adult even if you “pulled them off to the side”. That is something an adult would do to a child. Not a 3rd-year seminary student who “came to the ministry later in life” – so you are older than the average 3rd year and should have more life experience. Maybe even held down a job or two?

    If your mother was dissatisfied with the buffet offerings it was up to her to speak to the Council or the minister. Once again you feel the need to protect the lesser female – as if she is incapable of speaking for herself. And let’s not forget about defending the honor of the indigenous attendee – because they are also unable to speak for themselves. Great of you to be the lone protector of the downtrodden – all the while keeping them firmly in your imagined place of inferiority.

    That is what this is all about – your need to feel superior to literally everyone around you. The students from your prior post, the Parish Council, your ministers, the caterer, your mother…the list, I am sure, just goes on.

    This is not a good look for a future minister. I suggest you do some literal soul searching, talk to an advisor, heck, take a sabbatical, and figure out why you act this way.

    #1112766 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It reminds me a tiny bit of last week when we were out at work after an “offsite” that was really at the office. We were at this, like, hip and trendy food hall downtown and had sent our intern over to reserve a table early. We were getting settled in when the catering manager and a more junior person came by and told us they were setting up for an event and we could hang out at that table for a little while longer but then would have to move. My boss was PISSED, but instead of telling them off, she managed with a smile to send the message that we are from X company bringing 15+ people to their establishment to spend money. She was very nice and polite and got the manager’s contact info. We moved to an empty table the manager showed us.

    I know, not the same situation, but that is how a professional person handles it. Manager knew we were displeased but no conflict. Next time we’ll arrange things with her directly (no one answered all the times the person planning this happy hour had tried to call the main number), or we’ll go somewhere else. Issue solved.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Kate.
    #1112768 Reply
    WhyDoWeExist?
    Guest

    Not to defend my behaviour, I was in the wrong.

    However I do think one or two people have misunderstood somethings here which I would just like to correct. Yes the caters offering were not as requested, but that was not the core of my issue. The core was that he yelled my mother when she asked him a simple question, when the minister and I were in another room (due to the number of guests we were using two halls) and while the minister was still in said other room I personally witnessed him berate another person in a semipublic fashion after my mother had told me what happened to her.

    I did not berate him. I corrected him. I admit that the manner in which I corrected him may have been threatening or condensing and I need to do better in future. However, I did at no point yell at him, raise my voice to him, lay a hand on him (except when I shock his hand) or otherwise display aggressive behaviour. My language may have been passively threatening, and timing poor, but that is the extent of it.

    Since the event took place further complaints (unsolicited by me) have come forward about the caterer and he has been blacklisted regionally.

    As I do a bit of public speaking I know how to control tone of voice and voice projection. If I had intended to yell at him the whole hall, and everyone in it would have heard me. There have not been multiple complaints about my behaviour; there has been one. This complaint I know came from member of the congregation and not the caterer or another member of PC (as neither would be able to do some anonymously under our processes).

    My behaviour was definitely poor and I did not emulate Christ in the best way possible on the day. I accept that. I do realize I was in the wrong and that I acted as the proverbial fool. I just wanted to correct some misunderstanding regarding the degree to which I screwed up. I admit I did screw up.

    #1112769 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    “The core was that he yelled my mother when she asked him a simple question”

    She’s a grown woman. Myself, my mom, my boss, most women I can think of, know how to deal with a service person being rude to them, or they just figure the guy’s a dick and don’t worry about it. We don’t need a man to go threaten him.

    “I did not berate him. I corrected him.“ This is splitting hairs. You threatened him. Raising your voice or not is irrelevant. Also, we know / believe that you didn’t. It’s worse that you raised your voice to your superior.

    “My language may have been passively threatening, and timing poor, but that is the extent of it.” That’s not the extent of it though. You shouldn’t have talked to him at all. That’s stepping on someone’s toes whose job it was to speak with him.

    “I just wanted to correct some misunderstanding regarding the degree to which I screwed up. I admit I did screw up.” The even bigger screwup was yelling at the senior minister. Never yell at work.

    The defensiveness here, look, we’re a bunch of strangers. We gave you solid advice and now you’re back to saying we’re not really getting it and you didn’t screw up that bad. Yes, you did. You made some huge mistakes from a career perspective. I would go so far as to say you made some career-limiting moves. You have to make sure these behaviors never happen again. And for that to happen, you have to understand what you did wrong. It’s okay, we’ve all messed up at work. I’m afraid you are at risk of not learning from your mistakes.

    #1112770 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    “As I do a bit of public speaking I know how to control tone of voice and voice projection. If I had intended to yell at him the whole hall, and everyone in it would have heard me.”

    This makes it sound even worse that you yelled at your senior. If he doesn’t see immediately that you learned from this and will never act like this again, trust me that he has serious concerns about your ability to lead.

    And, the caterer got blacklisted all on his own. People complained about him after the event, it was evident he broke the terms of his agreement, and the proper consequences happened. All of this happened exactly the way it should, and would have happened without you getting involved. Your involvement only made it more of a headache for your supervisor.

    “while I was sitting there, the caterer began to chastise a native man with facial tattoos for taking a dessert before eating his mains, like the guy was a child.” In your post just above you say the caterer berated this guy. So chastising a man like a child is berating then, but what you did wasn’t berating because you didn’t raise your voice?

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Kate.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Kate.
    #1112773 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Actually, I understood completely that you pulled this guy to the side and quietly told him you were displeased.

    What you did do:
    1. You stepped in and used your limited authority to chastise the caterer.
    2. You used a menacing tone (albeit quiet in volume) and threatening language
    3.You yelled at the minister when he called out your behavior

    What you should have done:
    1. Alerted someone more senior or who was in charge of the contract that the caterer hadn’t met their obligation.
    2. Alerted the minister or the person who was in charge of the contract that the guy was being rude to your congregants

    There are two types of people in this world: People who lead by example and people who lead by tyranny. Who do you want to be in this life?

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