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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

What to do when he’s slow and see other people ? I’m very lost :(

Home Forums Advice & Chat What to do when he’s slow and see other people ? I’m very lost :(

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  • #1116827 Reply
    asuirui
    Participant

    I’ve been seeing this guy for one month now (I’m 23 and he’s 29). He’s an artist. Our dates are great and in person, he’s very lovable, I saw his friends after an event for 10 mins but he holds my hand and everything in front of them.
    But right now I don’t feel like I can completely trust him and feel safe around him. I saw that he was active on 2 dating apps (one of them being just for sex) . I asked him about it. I found out about the fucking app after the conversation so we didn’t talk about that, just tinder. His reply was that he’s not really looking to see if the grass is greener somewhere else. He doesn’t go on a lot of dates, that I’m the first person he’s been on dates with since June and that he had a few hook ups but that’s all, and it was before meeting me, he also said that he starts to appreciate me and want to do many things with me (but still didn’t plan anything yet…). But he said that he’s been using Tinder for a long time and that’s one of his habit, he goes on it like me when I watch YouTube but isn’t looking for anything.
    I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable and for me , I need to feel safe and that I can trust him, even if we’re not together yet I want to get to know him more. He said that for him exclusivity and commitment takes time, he really needs to be sure about the person and then, once he takes that decision, he sticks to it (he’s been in long term relationships before – the last one ended a year ago). And he said he can’t give me a reply yet about that but will think about it. For me, one month is enough to , at least , know if you want to continue to see someone or not.
    He also always said we’re going to have diner at his place and he will cook, will go to exhibitions,.. but we didn’t do it so far. I’m kinda tired of this situation where there’s no trust on my side. My vision is that he can try with me and if it doesn’t work out, he can go back on the apps later. I know from my friend that he said on the sex app to someone (I saw), that he’s “up for everything and he can host”. I find it disrespectful.
    I decided to stop texting him, we were supposed to have a diner with my friend on Sunday but I won’t text him about that. I don’t know if he’s going to talk to me again or not (we only text every 3-4 days, and now I’m more the one who engage it). If he doesn’t text me, I’d let him go on don’t say anything. But in the case he texts me, do you think it’s worth explaining him how I feel and that if nothing change, for me I can’t continue seeing him. I can respect his rhythm but I think he can also respect my limits about not hooking up everywhere. And my last question is do you think that he can be serious ?

    Thank you guys for your future replies I hope !!

    #1116836 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    It’s possible that he can be serious, but he has no interest in being serious with you. You have every reason not to trust him and his hollow talk of things the two of you will do in the immediate future, which never actually happen. Of course, he is currently dating and hooking up with other women. He knows that you know it but thinks he can pull it off. MOA.

    #1116837 Reply
    Avatar photoLucidity
    Guest

    Sure, if he texts you again, let him know you don’t want to continue to see him because he’s seeing other people, but don’t expect him to stop. He’s shown you with his actions and his words that he’s not ready or interested in being exclusive with you, and he’s already well aware of how you feel about that. If you stop texting him, I don’t think you’ll hear from him unless and untilw he wants some easy sex. The smartest thing to do, to keep from being drawn back in, would be to block and delete him.

    #1116838 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    My take on this is that he’s being fairly open with you, which on the one hand is good, but… it’s really not good because if he saw a future with you, he would not be saying these things. He’s not excited about you. He’s not escalating the relationship or trying to lock you down. He’s barely texting you.

    Like, does he need to be exclusive with you at a month? No. But it’s not going there. Instead of trying to give him an ultimatum, I’d just move on.

    #1116839 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Did you meet on tinder?

    #1116840 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, necessarily. I assume you met on tinder and started dating and it’s been a month. I don’t know many dates you’ve had but making plans to cook dinner and go see gallery shows is not like, something that must happen immediately or never. (Unless it’s like a once in a lifetime opportunity) If you don’t want to keep seeing him, that’s fine, but you asked him about his app usage, etc and he answered you and told you he’ll think about what you said. It’s (in my mind ONLY been a month) and maybe he will think about it? Or you could say, “I actually don’t want to date anymore if you won’t be exclusive.” That’s if you like him and would like something more.

    #1116845 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    Swiping on an online dating site is not like watching YouTube. He is absolutely trying to meet new women if he’s on an online dating platform. Since you’re not exclusive, he hasn’t done anything wrong in that regard, but I did feel compelled to state explicitly that dating sites/apps are not hobbies! This isn’t the first letter I’ve read on this site where the LW has been fed that line. Don’t fall for it. This guy is not invested in you and does not want to be exclusive with you.

    I think it’s wise to stop contacting him. He’s told you (albeit indirectly) how he really feels. You don’t trust him and he doesn’t feel like a safe space, which exclusivity will not fix. If he reaches out, I don’t think it’s bad to explain how his behavior makes you feel, however, I don’t think it’s worth it. I doubt it will make you feel better and it won’t make him feel worse. I’d be leaving this guy on read.

    Lastly, while I don’t think this age gap is inappropriate, I’m sure by 29, this guy has realized that women his own age are far less likely to allow him to behave like this than a woman in her early 20s.

    #1116848 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I think you need to step away from this. He’s not interested in committing to you. If you want an exclusive relationship, it’s not going to be with this person.

    You have different needs, and that’s OK. He needs someone who is ok with not being exclusive until both people determine they want it. You need someone who dates one person at a time.

    If you continue to date him, you’ll constantly be worried that he’s going to feel the lightning bolt with his next date that isn’t you and you’ll be left in the dust. For your own health, move on.

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