Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

What to do when you love someone truly, but do not wanna stick around?

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  • #851927 Reply

    Hey everyone. The title is a little misleading, but here´s my story.
    Been together for 4 years with my bf. I fell madly in love. We´ve been living together for 2 years. When we hang out and get along it´s amazing. We laugh, we share a lot and we are just great together.
    Fact is, I admire and respect him as a person, I genuinely feel very attracted to him still, I adore his sense of humor and his amazing intelligence. I love it that he is so hard working and that he pampers and supports me in my decisions (like dropping out of multiple schools even though he is currently on his 2nd master´s.) In all, a really great guy! His family is quite a treat as well, I really appreciate and love them.

    The catch is: I dislike that he will not pick up after himself, and he will not have iniciative when it comes to house chores. I am currently not working and do not mind taking care of most of the things around here. I would be happy as a housewife if he supported me economically fully. He helps out with the bills but I live off of my own savings.

    It´s almost as if he takes it for granted that eventually I end up doing it and he will not do something unless I ask him about 5 times. When I try to talk about it we can never get around it normally and will start a fight inmediately.

    When we fight it really wears me off emotionally. Lately the fighting is more constant and I´m really just sick of it.
    When we don´t fight about the house, we fight about other silly things, but will almost automatically make me want to bail.
    I have past wounds that I do not blame him on, but because of that I just do not have the energy or will to have to “work hard” on a relationship for it to work. I feel as though I already did everything I could and what I´m doing right now is just sucking it up as to not end it.

    What do you think?

    #851931 Reply

    It’s fine to want to break up with your boyfriend! It sounds like that’s what you want, and constant fighting that leaves you feeling drained is a solid reason to move on.

    If you want to work on it (and again, it’s okay if you don’t), you can try one last conversation where you’re super clear that you’re going to walk if things don’t change. I would personally wait to have this conversation until you’re working again and have a more balanced perspective on household issues. It sounds like you are frustrated with your own school/work/financial situation, so it’s possible you’re transferring some of those feelings to your relationship unfairly. Maybe his messiness won’t seem like such a big deal if you’re not home seeing it all day. I don’t work in the summer, and I always have to remind myself that some thing I spent all day stewing about was just a blip on my partner’s very crowded radar. But again, totally fine to move on – only you know the best move here. Good luck!

    #851938 Reply

    If the relationship isn’t working for you, it’s fine to leave. It sounds like you are depressed. It is strange that you accuse him of lack of initiative around the house, but also say that he is hard working and also working on his Masters degree, while you a re unemployed and have dropped out of multiple schools. I know, you have worked before, since you have savings to contribute to the household. It sounds like your complaint is as much monetary as anything. You want him to fully support you as a housewife. From what you wrote, it sounds like he is paying more than half of expenses, although I can’t tell how much more than half.

    #851947 Reply

    You can walk away for any reason you like: weird toes, chews too loudly, doesn’t understand how to use a blender.

    However, it sounds like you two are not aligned on household management and economic / financial management. He seems to think that because you’re not working, you are responsible for all of the household chores. Or maybe it’s a gender thing.

    Meanwhile you seem to be saying you’d be fine with that but only if he paid all the bills and you contributed action but not money to the relationship.

    Personally both of you sound like you need to get a shot of reality.

    #851961 Reply

    You can break up at any time for any reason.

    The two of you sound mismatched and as time goes by you will be more and more mismatched. You drop out of schools while he is getting a 2nd Masters. The two of you are becoming more and more mismatched. You are unemployed while he is hard working. That’s another mismatch. You are probably both better off if you break up with him.

    Have the two of you discussed household chores? Have you discussed specifically who does what? How much leisure time do you have compared to what he has? The most fair way that I think I’ve seen about splitting chores is to make sure each has the same amount of free time after everything is done including work, commute, grocery shopping, house cleaning, study time, etc. How does his free time compare to yours?

    #852080 Reply

    Just adding to what I wrote above. You should not feel like you are your boyfriend’s maid. He shouldn’t be treating you as a servant. You shouldn’t walk into the bathroom and find that he has left a pile of wet towels and dirty clothes on the floor for you to clean up. He shouldn’t leave dirty dishes laying around for you to pick up. It is one thing to do more at home because he does more out of the home. It is quite another thing to follow around after an adult and pick up.

    It is fine to tell him you aren’t his maid and you aren’t his mom so you won’t pick up his dirty clothes/wet towels, dirty dishes/whatever. Then leave them as they are. If he leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor just leave them there. If he piles more wet towels on the ones already there, leave them there. Leave them until he handles them even if they turn gross. Even if there are no towels left for him to use. Hide a few for yourself.

    My husband left mugs sitting around wherever he finished with them. After moving to a new city I left them where he left them because we didn’t know anyone and no one was going to come by to visit. It took a month before he ran through every mug we owned. One day I saw him go to the cabinet to get a mug and the cabinet was empty. He looked surprised then turned around and saw all the mugs sitting around, about 30 of them. He looked surprised. He really never noticed that all of the surfaces in the living room, dining room area were covered with mugs. He picked them all up and put them in the dishwasher and quit leaving them laying around. He had to learn this on his own.

    #852083 Reply

    Honestly, my instinct is that you should get a job. I think leaving the job market when you don’t have to is not a good plan for your future — regardless of what happens in this relationship. It’d be better for you to focus on a job than his faults, which are minor in the grand scheme of things.

    I also think that a job would help both of you divide the chores more equitably, or it would help pay for a maid.

    #852099 Reply
    avatarCanada Goose

    As others have said, you don’t need to justify a desire to break up. Totally ok if you don’t want to “work hard” on your relationship.

    That said, I am wondering about your employment. You would like to continue to stay home but want him to support you. I don’t mean to be offensive but is that because you don’t want to work hard at a job either? It sounds like you may have a pattern of not wanting to work at things – dropping out of multiple schools, no more job nor a desire to find one (an active desire to avoid a job from the sounds of it) and now feeling like you don’t want to bother putting in the effort with this guy who is ‘amazing’ because it’s hard work – and your beef is that he expects you to work in the home more than you feel is fair.

    I don’t know the particulars, of course, and it’s hard to tell from a few paragraphs, but if he both has a job and is working on a Master’s, it’s entirely likely that he’s exhausted and his lack of housework could really just be that and not him being a slob.The fact you fight may be a combo of him feeling tired and nagged, and you spoiling for a fight because you are sick of looking at his mess all day, particularly as you are paying into the home as much as he is.

    I would try again to talk with him, calmly, without blame. Maybe more, ‘hey, I know you’re working and have school, and are pretty exhausted. Can I get a sense from you what level of housework or what chores you feel you can manage, so we can work out a plan? I know I’m home all day but I am paying into this place too and we need to work together to keep it reasonably tidy. I get you are super busy, and I’m willing to do more than you but not everything, so I wanted to get your thoughts on what works for you.” Then take it from there.

    And if you don’t like the answer, you can leave. Then you’ll likely need to do a different kind of work and get another job, but at least your place won’t get messed up by someone else.

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