When is the right time to tell someone I’m dating that I was conceived of

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  • A
    October 9, 2023 at 3:35 pm #1126056

    For reference, I’m a 27 year old male. I was raised by my biological mother and her parents. My mom was very candid with me about everything. I grew up knowing I was created against her will, but she kept me anyway, which I will always be grateful for because I really loved my mom. But the rape ruined her entire life completely and she struggled greatly. She took her life when I was 12 years old.

    Now, let’s get into the issue I’m here for. I’m very self conscious about what I am. I look a lot like the rapist and my mother always about the “power of genes” and I’m fully aware of the fact that I’ll always have these bad genes. It’s something that always scared me but also motivated me to be a better version of myself everyday.

    When it comes to dating, the last thing I want to do is to trick some innocent girl into bed without knowing who I am. In high school, I started dating this amazing girl who seemed really into me at first. She was new at the school and she didn’t really know who I was.
    but since it was a small town, she had to find out eventually. And it was really difficult for her to continue dating me. She even regretted the time we spent together and the fact that we lost our virginity to each other.

    So, in order to avoid thi happening again, I like to come clean to anyone I’m dating about who I am before we go to bed together. This sometimes results into long dating without sex, which makes some feel restless or think that I’m not attracted to them just because I wait too long.

    I’ve been dating this girl I work with for a month now. She’s been dropping hints about sex but I made it very clear that it’s best we get to know each other very well before we went to bed. I really think she and I could have a future together and I want to give her everything but I also want her to know who I am and to decide for herself so she won’t regret anything. At the same time, I don’t want to scare her away with such a horrifying secret and I’d like for her to know me more before she learns about my genes.

    How long do you think I should wait before I tell her?

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    Anonymousse
    October 9, 2023 at 5:46 pm #1126057

    “When it comes to dating, the last thing I want to do is to trick some innocent girl into bed without knowing who I am.”

    Then tell them right away, or drop it completely. I personally think that if a guy brought this up to me as a “getting to know you,” fact about you, I’d be put off and probably wouldn’t see you again because no one likes the thought of violence like that. It is a huge turn off and can be a red flag to women, just you bringing up the topic of rape too soon.

    I don’t understand why you think you need to come clean or tell anyone. I understand he was your biological predecessor, but he wasn’t your father. He didn’t raise you. You aren’t a violent man, are you? You aren’t a rapist. You aren’t a damaged person because your dad did that. You can’t control who your parents were but you also don’t have to tell everyone about it, either. If you’re personally struggling with it, you should speak to a qualified professional like a therapist. Personally, I would wait, but I don’t understand why someone should stop seeing you because of this, either.

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    A
    October 9, 2023 at 9:54 pm #1126061

    Thank you for your answer. I actually didn’t tell the first girl I dated in high school and she was very much into me. We had great time together. But she found out about it and she decided to stop seeing me. She even told me she regrets knowing me and I should’ve told her about it earlier.

    Yes, we were both kids in high school and adult relationships are totally different but I can’t help myself but worry about the moment this girl I’m dating would know and how she might react. I definitely wouldn’t want her to regret knowing me or to stop seeing me for it, but it’s a possibility.

    But you’re also right and bringing up the topoc early on could also be a red flag for her and could scare her away, so I guess I won’t do it.

    Reply
    LisforLeslie
    October 10, 2023 at 7:01 am #1126062

    It sounds like your mom has you convinced that somewhere deep down you have some sort of “evil” that only you can control. That is bullshit. Rape is not a inheritable trait. If it makes you feel better to tell someone so that they have more insight into who you are – OK.

    But… not everyone is going to be kind with this information, as you’ve already seen. And I’ll repeat my oft said advice to the youths of today: You do not owe anyone all of your secrets.

    You don’t owe this information to anyone.

    Reply
    Part-time Lurker
    October 10, 2023 at 7:49 am #1126064

    This is so sad. You are not your father and you should not be paying for his sins. Your mother never should have put that weight on a child. I’m not sure why we as humans always feel like our family’s decisions and actions are somehow a reflection on us or a part of who we are, but we do and we take on all of the guilt and embarrassment associated with it. If someone judges you for someone else’s behavior – behavior that happened before you were even born – that’s a them problem. You don’t need to spend your life walking around with a “caution sign” attached to your forehead. Unless you are also a violent person or a rapist you don’t need a warning label.

    This is something you really need to work through with a licensed therapist. You don’t OWE anyone an explanation about your parentage and someone who genuinely cares about you will care about you no matter who you’re parents are.

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    Avatar photo
    October 10, 2023 at 8:48 am #1126070

    https://dearwendy.com/__trashed-2/

    You deserved to have been assured at every opportunity how separate you are from your biological father and how little his genes have to do with who you are. His only contribution to who you are is some DNA, and that’s not what makes a person. You are not denying anyone the totality of who you are as a person by withholding details of your conception. It has nothing to do with who you are, and it’s no one else’s business; you’re under zero obligation to share this information – not before you have sex with someone and not after. The girlfriend who left you after you told her and who said that you should have told her sooner was cruel and immature and showed a poor level of empathy, even for a high school kid. I’m sorry that happened to you.

    If you want to give women a reason for waiting a while for sex, you can address the topic without sharing such intimate family details early on. This is ultimately a trust issue and you can say: “I know I may wait longer than you might expect or want, but please know it isn’t because I don’t want it. But building up trust first is really important to me and I’m enjoying doing that with you.” Not only would any woman you’d want to date seriously understand and appreciate it, I think it would even turn many of them on.

    I would not share the details of your conception until you have lots and lots of trust built with someone first. I don’t know how long that would take. I would think at least a few months. It might not happen until long after you have sex. It doesn’t matter – it’s entirely your decision about when or even whether to share this information, and having sex should not be contingent on it.

    You’re right to think that sharing the details of your conception this early on could scare someone off, but maybe not for the reason you think. It’s not because of your genes, but because sharing something so intimate and personal before trust is built-up is a little bit of a red flag. It comes across as desiring to push the relationship forward at an accelerated pace, and that can be a turn-off to a lot of people – especially well-adjusted ones.

    If it’s in your budget, I would highly recommend working threw off of this including your mother’s death, with a professional counselor or therapist. There’s a lot to unpack, and so much of it is related to your perception of yourself and how you identify. Getting a tighter grip on those things will make you more attractive to potential partners and better-equipped to navigate and foster healthy relationships going forward.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    October 10, 2023 at 10:53 am #1126071

    Just like someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped is not tainted by the action they did not want or ask for, you are also not tainted or damaged goods because of who your mother told you your father was. Great response, Wendy. There’s a misspelling in the last paragraph, fyi.

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When is the right time to tell someone I’m dating that I was conceived of

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