when someone says I should not reply

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  • This topic has 40 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by April2023.
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  • April 24, 2023 at 2:18 pm #1119800

    It’s possible that your ex genuinely wants to express remorse and apologize for his past behavior, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. However, it’s also important to consider the context of the situation and the patterns of behavior that may have existed in the past.

    If your ex has a history of manipulating or controlling you, it’s possible that his apology may be an attempt to regain control or manipulate you in some way. It’s also worth noting that his statement about not wanting a response could be a way of trying to control the situation and avoid any potential confrontation or conflict.

    Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to engage with your ex and how you want to respond to his message. Just make sure to prioritize your own well-being and set clear boundaries if necessary. If you do decide to respond, consider taking it slow and being cautious, especially if you have concerns about his past behavior.

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    April2023
    April 24, 2023 at 2:46 pm #1119801

    I think I am asking this because I have trouble getting closure because I don’t know how to think about him and give myself closure.

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    April 24, 2023 at 3:07 pm #1119802

    There’s really no such thing as closure, and you definitely don’t get it by sucking yourself back into dramatic conversations with a manipulative ex. What gets you past this is blocking, deleting, and moving on.

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    April 24, 2023 at 3:32 pm #1119803

    I don’t know off the top of my head how to block emails, but I know it can’t be hard and that I’d figure it out if I had to.

    LW, I had one ex who was pretty bad at the end. There was lying, cheating, denial, eventually spinning the blame back around on me, blah blah blah. Maybe a different kind of manipulation than what you’ve been dealing with, but manipulation nonetheless. I let him keep tabs on me for a few months after breaking up because I was sad and it gave me that hit of dopamine. I think on two occasions, we had closure talks. It was not helpful. At one point he made everything about his hurt feelings (LOL). I didn’t magically recover from how he treated me because we’d rehashed things. It didn’t bring me peace. The only thing I did was delay my own healing. The only thing you’re doing is delaying your own healing. Closure comes from within. Block him and grieve what you’ve lost. If you made mistakes in the relationship, that’s okay — you’re human. You can learn something from them.

    In a podcast I was listening to a couple months ago, one of the co-hosts was laughing about one of her exes blocked her on platforms she didn’t even realize had block features, like Venmo and Spotify. Block him on Venmo and Spotify if you need to.

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    April2023
    April 24, 2023 at 3:57 pm #1119804

    That makes sense. I was doing fine not hearing from him and now his apology just makes me feel like he is trying to be abetter person and ignoring makes me feel sad about how we ended even if he asked me to not respond to him.

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    April2023
    April 24, 2023 at 4:00 pm #1119805

    This is probably the 3rd time he’s sent me one last message. The difference now is that I’m ignoring him. I also figured out a way to block his emails on Gmail. Not sure how well it will work but giving it a try.

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    April 24, 2023 at 4:04 pm #1119806

    Yeah, the sadness will pass. I also think some breakups will always be a little sad even once you’ve passed the actual grieving stage.

    FWIW, I do believe people can change, though for most of us, it’s very hard. Not to mention, real change is slow. IDK when you broke up, but I still feel comfortable saying that this guy hasn’t changed.

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    April 24, 2023 at 4:05 pm #1119807

    Also, yeah, three “final messages” screams that he’s still trying to manipulate this. I think he’s looking for you to engage again.

    • This reply was modified 1 year ago by Avatar photoCopa.
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    April2023
    April 24, 2023 at 4:11 pm #1119809

    Yeah I think because I responded before, even when he has said “don’t respond” he thinks I will do it again.

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    April 24, 2023 at 4:25 pm #1119810

    If he’s done this three times already, absolutely ignore. I think my initial assessment was the correct one with this new information. His other contact attempts didn’t work so he’s trying this out. None of us knows what he wants or is up to, but for your own sanity, it might be best to ignore, block and move on. Even if he is genuinely sorry, you don’t need to respond.

    He can’t give you closure. Only you can give yourself closure.

    And you’re right Copa, people can change. I should have added “people don’t change that fast, it takes work” when I wrote that.

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    April2023
    April 24, 2023 at 4:32 pm #1119811

    @ktfran his attempts before did work, because I responded when he said “don’t respond” and they turned into short conversations. Nothing came of them but I did still respond. stupid right? But this time I actually will not respond.

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    April 24, 2023 at 4:35 pm #1119812

    Oh yeah, if you’ve responded to his last couple “final” messages, he’s absolutely hoping to keep this cycle going for whatever reason. The loudest response is no response.

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