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When your family doesnt want you to get marrie be happy, Selfishness i guess ?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice When your family doesnt want you to get marrie be happy, Selfishness i guess ?

This topic contains 16 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar CET 5 months ago.

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  • #742714 Reply
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    ashi
    Member

    I am suffering from depression. There is nothing in my life to be happy, sometimes I really want to do suicide, but other day I gets up and start to fight, tries to find a solution. Here’s my story, I am 24, female, recently graduated, have a pharmacist degree, belongs to a Muslim background, when I was 17 I met a guy, fall in love, he sacrifices alot for me, he want to marry me but my family denied that I should study more, so I decided to be a doctor of pharmacy, completed my graduation in December 2017, now he wants me to be his wife, he asked my parents for my hand, but now my parents are delaying marriage by making useless excuses, now the only that they want is that I should breakup with him, should not get married anytime soon and do a Job and support my family financially, to be honest I am extremely feminine kind of, I want to get settle, have that one in my life who understands me, love me, and the one with whom I can start a family (Thank god I have one in my life) , and I want to have my own baby soon, u know that girly feelings, dreams and imagination of happy family kind of fairy tale things, my fiancé is very sincere with me, he supported me for 8 years, his age is 31 years now and he waited all this for me, we want to start a family soon but only my parents are making things complicated for us both. Now they are saying that if I want to get settle then why should I studied at first? They mean that I should not think of getting married and just focus on job and support my family financially. and I understand that they are afraid that if I would get married, I wouldn’t support them by money, and they also don’t want to spend money on my marriage too… instead they are planning to marry my younger sister soon…NOW what should I do ? Should I leave and betray the man who sacrifices all for me and waited for me this long? Or should I sacrifice all my feelings dreams and all for my family and do as they say like a machine??

    #742716 Reply
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    JD

    You are 24, literally do WHATEVER YOU want.

    #742721 Reply
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    NewLife1234
    Member

    Dear ashi:

    You indicated clearly that your parents’ motivation in the relationship with you is financial. They want you to work and support them financially. Their interest in you is then, primarily financial. You asked whether you should “sacrifice all (your) feelings dreams… like a machine”-
    My answer is: no, you should not.

    If your patents paid for your education as a pharmacist and you made a contract with them, as an adult, that you will support them financially following your education, then you can now re-negotiate that contract by maybe pay them back for what they paid. If there was no contract, you have no debt to them. .

    Financial servitude for life is not reasonable. Neither is it legal.

    anita

    #742728 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Its your life. Live it for yourself, not what your family wants.

    #742736 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    I agree you should make whatever decision you want to, and that financially supporting your parents at such a young age for forever seems unreasonable.

    Realize though that choosing to marry your boyfriend has its own consequences that you should be prepared to deal with. One of which is that your parents are not entitled to pay for your wedding (this isn’t really a consequence as this is true regardless). You should expect just the two of you paying to start your life together. You might also want to discuss with your boyfriend what financially supporting your parents would look like if that is something you want to do.

    #742742 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Depending on where you live you may not have much of a way out of this– some predominantly Muslim countries limit what women can do on their own.

    I think everyone who is saying “do whatever you want” is being a bit flippant, because its not that easy in every country and every culture. The majority of commenters here are western women who can give their own hand in marriage rather than require their parent’s permission. But that’s not the norm everywhere.

    #742746 Reply
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    Northern Star

    “Should I leave and betray the man who sacrifices all for me and waited for me this long? Or should I sacrifice all my feelings dreams and all for my family and do as they say like a machine??”

    I’m confused as to what the options are. Leave (the country?) and betray your boyfriend (who won’t go with you?)— or stay and support your family forever?

    Could you please clarify: Is marrying your boyfriend without dangerous consequences even an option?

    #742773 Reply
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    ashi
    Member

    Leave means to leave him, this 8 years long relationship, as he waited for me this long, and now my parents don’t want this wedding to happen, so im confused, what should i do, should i say to my boyfriend to leave and get settle, have a happy life, as i wont be able to be with him because of my parents, they want me to have a job, and establish my career without him, supports them financially ( which will i definitely do even if i got married) isn’t it betraying because he & me were always committed to each other in these 8 years, we promised each other to get married even we don’t have much friends, he is with me from 8 years against his family, as they want him to get married in early age, he is now 31, he waited for me, was only with me, along with pure sincerity, he also helped my siblings and family in many ways, only because he loves me and loves everyone who is close to me, thats why it seems a betrayal to me, a guilt if i leave him after this long relationship, only because my family doesn’t want me to get settle. im from istanbul, Turkey.

    #742775 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Get married to who you want to.

    #742777 Reply
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    ashi
    Member

    aCTUALLY I TRIED TO SATISFY THEM, HE & ME BOTH, We talk to them, and they are my family why woouldn’t i support them, but they think that if i got married i will forget them, i am a women, i do want to get settle have a life, and i would continue to support them even if i get married, but they are not quite understanding this all. now they dont like him, they are manipulating my mind with rubbish, saying that i deserve someone more qualified then him ( by the way he is electrical enginner, Earning 7000 lira/ month), I mean im emotionally committed to him from 8 years, he waited for me, aint it be a betrayal to leave him for this stupid reason ? . They are saying that its 21t century muslim womens are empowered, i shouldnt compromise on my carrer, (while i understand that they just want money they dont even understand my proffession completely ).

    #742778 Reply
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    ashi
    Member

    aCTUALLY I TRIED TO SATISFY THEM, HE & ME BOTH, We talk to them, and they are my family why woouldn’t i support them, but they think that if i got married i will forget them, i am a women, i do want to get settle have a life, and i would continue to support them even if i get married, but they are not quite understanding this all. now they dont like him, they are manipulating my mind with rubbish, saying that i deserve someone more qualified then him ( by the way he is electrical enginner, Earning 7000 lira/ month), I mean im emotionally committed to him from 8 years, he waited for me, aint it be a betrayal to leave him for this stupid reason ? . They are saying that its 21t century muslim womens are empowered, i shouldnt compromise on my carrer, (while i understand that they just want money they dont even understand my proffession completely ).

    #742782 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Why try to compromise with them? Marry him. Stop letting them manipulate you.
    This is your life, and you get to choose what you do. Marry him if you love him and want to. What are they going to do? It seems they are dependent upon you, so I’d just tell them to not speak ill of him anymore.

    It’s your life. Do what makes you happy.

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