This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by brise 3 months, 3 weeks ago.
- May 20, 2019 at 11:21 pm #843737
I was seeing this guy for a couple of months. A month in he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said we should take it slow and wait and see what happens. A couple months later I asked if he still wanted me to. He basically said that since summer is coming and he will be moving back to his hometown (we are in university) we won’t be able to see each other as much so we probably shouldn’t. (his hometown is only 40 minutes from where I live – not that bad) He asked what I thought and I pretty much said that I think if you want to be with someone you would just do what it took to be with them. I said I wasn’t mad, but that he should just be honest and say he didn’t want to be with me if that was the case. He got super defensive and said “I swear that’s not the case, we can pick things back up in the fall blah blah blah” I said “if you just want the summer to see other girls thats fine, I won’t be mad, but just say that.” he said that wasn’t the reason either and that was that.
now that summer is here, he has barely even tried to talk to me. when he does answer my texts or snapchats it takes him a few hours at the least and a few days at the most. he doesn’t start conversations and he doesn’t try to keep them going at all, so I’ve stopped trying to contact him. now we don’t even talk at all. so wtf was the point of that conversation? why wouldn’t he just tell me he didn’t want to be with me in the summer? if he was going to ghost me why wouldn’t he have just took the opportunity to end it when I asked him? it would have hurt a lot less than being reassured and then ghosted.
TLDR: met a guy at university, we hit it off. he said he didn’t want to be official over the summer because we live 40 minutes away but he wasn’t going to see other girls, I gave him the opportunity to end things but he refused, now that summers here he has ghosted me.May 21, 2019 at 4:37 am #843747
Well, he did say it:
“He basically said that since summer is coming and he will be moving back to his hometown (we are in university) we won’t be able to see each other as much so we probably shouldn’t.”
That was him telling you he didn’t want to be with you over the summer. You then laid a guilt trip on him and he felt the need to politely deny that he wanted to see other girls.
But yeah, he told you he didn’t want to be with you over the summer, and now it’s summer and he’s not. You’re not respecting his wishes.May 21, 2019 at 6:52 am #843751
He didn’t ghost you.May 21, 2019 at 7:14 am #843752
Didn’t we answer this question already? Except it wasn’t yet summer break for the person at that time.May 21, 2019 at 8:53 am #843763
I’m not really sure why you’re still pursuing him after all that.
Your message to him was basically “You aren’t that into me and you want to see other girls.” You don’t believe him when he said that’s not true. If that’s your true conclusion, then why would you still want to see him? Why would you want to try to date someone who you think doesn’t like you that much and just wants to see other people?
Initially, I read your conversations with him and appreciated that you were being honest, but now it sort of sounds like you were just saying it to try to get him to commit to you or something. If that’s the case, don’t do that again.
I think it’s pretty clear you two don’t work well together based on your personalities and what you’re looking for.May 21, 2019 at 8:59 am #843764
Yeah, this sounds familiar.
At any rate, it’s certainly not a ghosting. He made it thoroughly clear that he didn’t want to be maintaining a relationship with you over the summer, and now he’s not maintaining a relationship with you over the summer.
This is what he offered you. Being a couple while you’re at school together. If that’s not what you want, then you tell him it’s not going to work for you and move on. If you want to frame this as “he doesn’t care enough,” well, maybe that’s the case. You get to decide what kinds of relationships you want to be in.May 21, 2019 at 10:12 am #843766
He’s not ghosting you. He told you he didn’t want to commit to you right before you’re both about to go home for the summer. You think that if someone really wants to be with you, they’ll make it work. He’s not willing to try, thus, by your definition he doesn’t really want to be with you that bad. MOA.
May 21, 2019 at 10:27 am #843769
- This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Dear Wendy.
It’s controlling and weird to me that you DIDN’T want to be his girlfriend when you were both conveniently actually living in the same place —- but then get all pissy when he doesn’t jump at your demands to lock him down the minute he has to leave town for the summer. Who wants all the work of a relationship with none of the fun? Manipulative control freaks — that’s who.
PS: Kindly do google the fucking definition of ghosting. It’s hilarious to me when dimwits write in whining about being ghosted (or remember the gaslighting letter a while back?) and yet have no clear idea what the term even means… 😉May 22, 2019 at 1:32 pm #843897
Sorry LW, I’m agreeing with everybody else. This guy told you straight up that he didn’t want to be with you over the summer. You just didn’t want to hear it. The next time someone tells you what they do/don’t want in a relationship, listen and accept their choice with good grace. It’s their choice to make, not yours.May 24, 2019 at 7:42 am #844040
What I read, LW, is that you rejected his offer to be his girlfriend. So he didn’t involve. Now, according to your answer, he isn’t invested in the relationship… You made a drama. It is over.
Next time, give more explicit signals: if you are not yet sure, but you like him, say that you want to be in a relationship and you enjoy your connection (if this is what you want). Let’s give a try. If it doesn’t work, then stop it.
Or say that you want to take it slow, but then, it is not exclusive and you should’nt be surprised if he isn’t committed.
Anyway, when you restarted a conversation about your relationship, you shouldn’t have asked him what he wanted, but stated what you wanted: become his girlfriend.
You are too vague.