December 27, 2020 at 5:53 am #984445AnonymousGuest
For background- I am a second year university student. I live with my main friend group and we have another guy friend who comes over to our house almost daily because he’s mutual friends with a few of the guys. Let’s call him John. My best friend, who also lives at the house, has a huge crush on john, let’s call her penny.
Penny set me up with one of her really close friends from her program. Let’s call him Mike. Mike and I start seeing each other and go on a few and everything is going really well. He’s super nice and we got along great. Mike and I are “seeing each other” for a month and then he asks me to be his girlfriend and make it official. I say yes and everything seems great but Mike still has not kissed me yet. I know I could have kissed Mike, but I didn’t have the balls to. Finally, about a week later, Mike kisses me, and it was….awkward. It was definitely his first and his missed my mouth the first time he tried. Once he finally got it, it was fast and just not great.
After Mike leaves my house that night, the rest of my friends come back from drinking at a bar and John and I start watching this tv show we watch together. John is a very touchy person and while we watch the show, I feel him do the classic “yawn and put arm over the girls shoulder move.” I don’t move at this point, I think partially because I thought it wasn’t happening and partially because I liked it. Eventually, john moves his arm and I feel super guilty about liking that he had his arm around me but I decide that it’s nothing and move on.
Fast forward to Friday night. My friend group are all drinking at our house and John is over as usual. I get absolutely hammered and so do the rest of us. Late that night someone suggests that we should all lay down in my bed, so we all run to my room. John gets in first, and I go beside him. Keep in mind 5 people are trying to squish into my double bed, so space is pretty tight. John and I are quite close together and somehow we end up entwined with each other hugging really closely. John starts to rub my back and I return the favour. This leads to me beginning to kiss his neck. Then he pulls away and looks at me, and kisses me. I pull away and he kisses me again, and after a few seconds I pull away properly and tell him we need to talk.
We talked and I told him that I needed to break up with my boyfriend because it’s not fair to him and I’m clearly not that invested in him to begin with if I am kissing another guy so soon into the relationship. I also told John that I was confused about how I felt about him for the past few days and what happened was a reflection of that. He told me that he was deeply in love with this other girl. Why did he kiss me if that was the case?
Also, I feel like shit because Penny likes John, and I know he’s not interested but can’t tell her that. On top of the guilt for cheating.
For additional context, a few weeks later another thing happened. One of my roommates friends was visiting from out of town and came over to drink at our house. She was all over john all night and eventually pulled him into a room. They were there for the ENTIRE night from 1:00am to around 4ish. John leaves to go sleep upstairs at around the same time Penny and I are heading to bed. I go back to my room and get a text from John saying “i need you, come upstairs.” So I go, and he tells me all about how he didn’t want to be with that girl and how she was too pushy and as an excuse to not sleep with her, he told her that Penny has feelings for him (which he only knew because of me). He then tells me how in love he is with the girl he’s in love with. Eventually he tells me all about his past and life growing up and some big lies he has told my friends and how he is such a bad person. This conversation lasts until 8am and then I finally leave.
Since then, he has been having long deep talks about his family and person shit with me, and we often stay up until a stupid time like 8am. But he also keeps bringing up this other girl. Which is so confusing. So I’ve deduced that he has no interest in me, but I’m confused as to why he kissed me that night and tells me all of this stuff now?December 27, 2020 at 7:11 am #984504
John isn’t interested in anything remotely serious. It was fun and cute to kiss you while wasted in bed (a situation where of course that’s going to happen), but then you immediately started talking about breaking up with your boyfriend. The message he probably got was that you liked him enough to dump your boyfriend and then you expected things to go somewhere with him. So he told you a lie about being in love with someone else. Then he kept going with that lie after he hooked up with the other girl. Now he knows you like him and enjoys the attention and audience you give him.
That’s it. He’s just having fun, hooking up, but he’s also a dishonest person who can’t just own that so he says a bunch of bullshit to people to make himself look better than he is. You’re falling for it.
Have you broken up with your boyfriend yet?December 27, 2020 at 8:06 am #984544HelenGuest
I agree with what Kate said. John likes the attention & having someone listen to his yammering till 8am. I’m sure he’ll be happy to sleep with you, but don’t expect anything more from him.
Don’t hold it against a dude for giving you an awkward first kiss. First times are always awkward. And it sounds like there was too much build up to the kiss. Bad kissers can become good kissers if you tell them what you likeDecember 27, 2020 at 9:23 am #984600
One other thing: Why did you tell him your friend Penny has feelings for him? That wasn’t cool.December 27, 2020 at 9:29 am #984606FyodorGuest
Yeah, Kate’s analysis is spot on. John may have macked on you in part because he knew you had a boyfriend and thus there was no chance you would expect a committment from him. Once you talked about breaking up with your boyfriend he backed off.December 27, 2020 at 11:20 am #984689Ele4phantGuest
Yep John isn’t looking for anything serious with anyone, not with you, not with Penny, not with this other girl he hooked up with.
If you don’t have chemistry with Mike you should break up, but don’t expect to get into something serious with John.December 27, 2020 at 1:21 pm #984784anonymousseParticipant
He kissed you because he wanted to. And weren’t you guys drunk? He enjoys having an apartment full of women interested in him. He enjoys the attention and validation to get you to stay up until 8 am talking about him. He enjoys practicing his moves, flirting, kissing maybe even sex with women he has already told he’s in love with someone else.
Guys will do what you let them get away with. You let him put your arm around you, you got entwined with him in your bed and it was honestly probably an extra thrill to get you to kiss him while you have a boyfriend. When I was in college, a group of guys in my dorm planned to break up a couple by flirting and slowly getting closer to the girlfriend. One of the group made her little notes and gradually would make moves on her until she liked him and broke up with her bf. It worked. Yes, it should come as no surprise that people at your age can be devious and pleasure seeking. People at any age can be, really. I don’t say this to make you feel paranoid, but you can’t seem too much time pondering over the motives of a huge flirt. He did it because he was drunk and kissing girls is something he likes doing.
You’re right in that in the traditional sense, most people wouldn’t be making out with others and having sex in a room for three hours with other people if they were truly in love with someone else. That’s a nice story he tells girls so they don’t expect anymore of him. He might even actually believe it.
What really makes me wonder is why you agreed to be someone’s girlfriend who you hadn’t even kissed after a month? Are you both truly that scared or is it that you aren’t attracted to him and it was just nice having a bf? Please break up with him and think about what you and who you want.December 27, 2020 at 2:45 pm #984852
I would add, be careful going forward about thinking that a guy getting physical in any way means he’s interested. Guys will absolutely kiss you, have sex with you, without having the slightest interest in dating you. Without even necessarily being attracted. Keep in mind that you know a guy is interested when he *acts like your boyfriend,* not when he hooks up with you.December 27, 2020 at 8:30 pm #985103AngeGuest
Having navigated the uni share house/dating scene myself I’d also say be really careful about how often you’re mixing in the romantic lives of your housemates and close social circle. I know it seems thrilling when you’re all hooking up but it can easily implode and mess up your living situation.December 27, 2020 at 8:40 pm #985111FYIGuest
You are asking the wrong question, LW. Questions you could ask yourself instead are:
* If I do hurtful things to others (boyfriend, friend) when I drink, should I drink less?
* Why do I stay up until 8 am listening to some dude who should be opening up to the woman he’s supposedly in love with instead of me?
* If this guy is “deeply in love” with someone, why does he cheat on her by kissing other women (plural)? What does that say about his character? Why am I drawn to someone with shitty character?April 19, 2021 at 2:26 am #1040230Anonymous (OP) UPDATE POSTGuest
Y’all. You were all so right. I don’t really know what I was thinking. I believed everything he told me, even when HE HIMSELF, told me all of the lies he had told and basically gave me 100 reasons not to trust anything he said.
To all of you who questioned my decisions, thank you. I again, don’t know what I was thinking.
I did break up with Mike, poor dude didn’t deserve any of this. I realized I wasn’t attracted to him and shouldn’t have jumped into the relationship in the first place.
I am happy to say that I have grown and now see things very clearly. Looking back John was a toxic asshole from the beginning, incident aside, and I looked past it. He is a classic example of someone who will talk shit but can’t take it, and he uses people like it’s second nature. He used to use me as a therapist and also would guilt me into helping with, (oftentimes doing), his assignments for him. I realized what an asshole he is and cut him off.
Penny has not been so lucky. Poor girl is still madly in love (although she will no longer admit it, you can just tell) with this jackass and he just uses her for everything she has got. I’ve tried warning her but she is blinded by her affection, and I think my warnings have harmed our relationship as well.
Anyway, just thought I’d update y’all on my personal growth and confirm that of course you were all so very right about everything. Thanks for seeing what I couldn’t. Cheers.