Why do I have no friends

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  • pmamia
    June 5, 2023 at 1:10 am #1120661

    I’ll keep this post as short as possible.

    When I was in school (approx 15 years ago) I had lots of friends in different friendship groups, I was out with them all the time and would text regularly etc as you do with friends and close friends.

    When I started to get involved with boys I became very insecure, I always felt like the ugly duckling of all my friendship groups and I began to distance myself from all female friends because I was jealous of all them for one thing or another whether it was their skin complexion, their weight, their pretty looks etc and I must have thought subconsciously that distancing myself or having no female associations would mean that no boy I was involved with would have the opportunity to like one of my friends.
    I deeply regret this and constantly wish I could turn back the clock. If I hadn’t acted on my insecurities I believe that I would still be friends with many people.

    I recently got in touch with one of my old school friends and we met up a handful of times but it didn’t feel the same and it felt like although we didn’t say it, we mutually didn’t want to force a friendship. This disappointed me.

    There are lots of insecurities I still have, however now that I’m an adult and see the world differently, I manage my insecurities better and see my self worth. The problem now is that I have no friends. I have tried to make friends during hobbies and classes etc. but I feel like I’m trying too hard and that there must be some reason why people don’t want to be my friend.

    Another insecurity of mine is that my sibling is way more outgoing than me and I’ve always been a lot more reserved. She recently started attending one of the hobbies I was attending and any potential friends I was making there (we had exchanged numbers and met up outside of the hobby a few times) now seem more interested in my sibling, they will text her and check up on her but not me.

    It’s really starting to take its toll and get me down. I have not addressed this with anyone else I.e family members or fiancé because I’m too embarrassed. A grown woman sulking that she has no friends.

    We are engaged and I keep putting off wedding planning because secretly I’m terrified of facing the fact that aside from family I have nobody to invite.

    I recently began a new career and I’m hoping to make friends through this Avenue, but I’m not hopeful. I can’t afford a therapist at this point. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Any help or advice would be welcomed.

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    Anonymousse
    June 5, 2023 at 8:28 am #1120662

    We really can’t know why you don’t have any friends. We don’t know you, haven’t seen you interact with others or really know anything but the short amount of info you gave us.

    You have a fiancé? Have you tried meeting friends through his friends? I think you should discuss this with your fiancé, and try to find the money to find a therapist. It sounds like therapy would be good for you.

    It does sound like your jealousy of your former friends 15 years ago probably put people off, but that’s just going off what you wrote.

    Ask your sister to invite you and introduce you to people.

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    Anonymousse
    June 5, 2023 at 8:30 am #1120663

    Until you address you insecurities and your habit of comparing yourself to others , including your sister, I think you will struggle with female friendships.

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    Avatar photo
    June 5, 2023 at 9:51 am #1120665

    I’ve not been in your specific situation, but I did live in a few different places in my 20s and with those changes, there were a few points where I didn’t have a strong network of friends/support in my immediate area. I also went through a pretty low point in my late 20s where I did push my childhood best friend away.

    Have you tried reconnecting with more than just the one friend? I think it sounds like a worthwhile thing to do.

    You seem to be doing the right things for an adult trying to make new friends. Try to remember the things people say about themselves and ask about it later. Ask people questions. Take the initiative to organize outings (with the caveat that eventually the effort should come from both sides). Keep going to things that interest you. I went to Meet Up groups, joined social sports leagues, joined book clubs, volunteered, etc. I’ve made some good friends specifically through my book club. Through other avenues, I sometimes made casual friends or even no friends. You can’t fully control the outcome, you just have to keep showing up for yourself. Heck, you could even give something like Bumble BFF a shot.

    It’s good you at least recognize your insecurities and are aware that you have taken them out on others. It’s probably worth your while to still look into therapy. Many therapists offer sliding scale fees for folks who are otherwise unable to afford it.

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    June 5, 2023 at 10:06 am #1120666

    Therapy was going to be my suggestion until you said you can’t afford it. I’d try to prioritize it. You’ll benefit from it.

    Like anonymousse, I think your insecurities are still holding you back. You don’t have to be outgoing to make friends.

    I only have one friend left from my younger days, but I have a life full of friends. I made them all in my early 30s. I’ve done so by being open, friendly, and putting myself out there. If someone was doing something interesting, I’d see if there was room for one more, stuff like that. I check in frequently, even if I don’t have much to say.

    Btw, I used to worry so much about what people thought. I’m also more introverted. I may look/act standoffish first, but once I feel comfortable, it’s easier for me to talk to people.

    I did therapy from 28 to 34.

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    Anonymousse
    June 5, 2023 at 10:51 am #1120667

    I think you should try to prioritize therapy because through all the other words, you are saying-

    *There’s something wrong with me*

    ~And that is why I can’t make friends

    You have to see a professional correct that core belief about yourself. You still sound insecure as you say you used to be, to me. You say you feel secure now but your post doesn’t read that way.

    I wrote out this long post about how I have moved all over and have found peace in being solo sometimes, but I’m also very friendly and put effort in. I talk to people. I ask people for their number. It’s hard and doesn’t always work out, but I have friends. Life is also made up of the tiny peripheral people you interact with daily, so be friendly. Say hi. Ask about their family, etc.

    But therapy.

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    ron
    June 5, 2023 at 3:15 pm #1120671

    Therapy is important, but you can make changes without it and stop self-sabotaging. You don’t have friends, but you do have a fiance. Keep failing to agree a wedding date, because you don’t have friends to invite, and you may also end up without a fiance. The guy wants to marry you. I doubt he cares how many friends you invite to the wedding. You don’t need a big wedding. You don’t need bridesmaids. Just have a wedding which makes you comfortable and get on with your relationship, even if it is just the two of you standing before a judge. It’s the marriage that is important, not the wedding.

    You should talk to family about your issues. You should especially talk to your fiance. You are who you are. If they love you, they accept you as you are and will help you achieve your goal of developing strong friendships.

    I don’t know whether your state of mind has caused you to over-react to your sister’s claiming your hobby friends or if she actively sabotaged you. Talk to her.

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    June 6, 2023 at 5:15 am #1120679

    Sure, talk to the fiancé about the wedding stuff. That won’t help with her insecurities. Nor should he be responsible. That comes from within, which is where therapy helps.

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    Avatar photo
    June 6, 2023 at 8:45 am #1121160

    Yes. It really seems like the insecurities have only been managed in relative isolation/loneliness, which isn’t really managing them. Therapy is the best place to actually work through the deeper issues.

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    Anonymousse
    June 6, 2023 at 9:12 am #1121254

    How long have you been with your fiancé? Does he think you have friends he hasn’t met?

    This goes way beyond the wedding, it’s been at least 15 years of these friendship/ insecurity issues and therapy would really help.

    It’s more important than a wedding, IMO. It will make your marriage better if your address your issues before your wedding.

    Reply
    ron
    June 6, 2023 at 11:30 am #1121680

    I agree that immediate therapy is preferable, but she has said that she isn’t able to afford or obtain it. I see two benefits to going ahead with a simple marriage ceremony. First, it is a step forward in confronting her issues as removes a major issue which she is obsessing over (can’t marry until she has friends to invite). Secondly, marriage will probably allow her to afford therapy sooner, with the $ saved through combining households. Her spouse may even have access to affordable family insurance through their employer. The $ savings go out the window if she is going to insist upon a larger wedding. Spouse can’t be fully responsible for her insecurities, but they can take the lead on their social life as a couple. This may be enough to put a break on what seems a toxic interaction between OP, the friends she tries to make through activities, and her sister. Some increased distance from sister is likely a positive.

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    June 6, 2023 at 2:36 pm #1122724

    I disagree. It’s a bandaid. You shouldn’t depend on other people to solve your problems. That puts an unfair onus on someone else. She wants friends. She needs to take steps herself to achieve that.

    And from what was written, you’re taking a big leap, Ron, to assume the sister is a problem. Maybe she is. There’s not an enough info to say.

    Women relationships are quite complex.

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Why do I have no friends

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