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Dear Wendy

Why dont they like me

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar Apna 2 months ago.

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  • #795337 Reply
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    Maya

    Last time I asked for advice here it was total clarity so thanks in advance guys. So ive been at college 3 weeks now and i live in a suite with my roommate and 4 other girls. A few of them got to know each other prior on social media. But my roommate didnt know them much and got to be decent friends with one of the girls. For some reason ive been nothing but nice but i get the sense that they dont like me. First they conviently forgot to add me to the groupchat, then they didnt invite me to dinner(my entire suite went) and then they invited my roommate and not me to go out with them. Then i have 2 classes with one the the girls and when she was out for two days she asked a random kid in class for the notes instead of me? (Its not cause im a slacker cause i pretty smart in class) I dont care really about going i care more that it means they dont like me and i dont get why? We dont have to be best buds but i see them everyday you know what i mean. I guess itd be hard to tell me why unless you know the situation first hand but maybe this might give me some enlightenment

    #795338 Reply
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    JD

    Like you said it is pretty difficult to say why they don’t like you. Girls that age can be very into their little groups. It can something as silly sad you dressing different than them or maybe you grew up in somewhat different environments so you seem different to them. Reach out and ask to grab coffee with one now and again. Trying is the best bet.

    #795339 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Blech. I had three horrible clique-y jesusfreak roommates one semester. Be nice-ish and cheery — but look for true friends elsewhere. It’s tough, I know. I literally called my dad one night saying I was about ready to kill ALL my roommates…
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    “Don’t do that,” was all he said.
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    Good advice.

    #795340 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    PS — many women seemingly love to always find someone to EXCLUDE. I have seen this on damn near every job or gig I have had. And it baffles me.

    #795341 Reply
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    Maya

    It might me stupid but what you said really comforted me so thank you.

    #795342 Reply
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    Maya

    Youre totally right, thank you

    #795391 Reply
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    KJ

    Do you have this problem with other groups of people? Or, is this environment unique? Do you have good hygiene? Are you over weight? Do you listen carefully when someone is talking to you without interrupting? Being that we are not there to access situation and don’t know you it is hard to say. Ask someone to join you to do something and hopefully she doesn’t have a lame excuse not to go. Perhaps you can change where you live. Good luck to you!

    #795406 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    BGM hit it before me. Sometimes people (often women) need to exclude someone to make themselves feel better. To ensure they are “in” it means someone has to be “out” of the group.

    Find friends outside of your suitemates. Don’t let them push you around, use your stuff, blah blah blah. Spend time away from the room.

    You could also do what I did and put dead flies under my stupid messy-ass roommate’s pillow because I knew she wouldn’t ever find them because she was so damn messy.

    #795432 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    @KJ. Being overweight is not a personality flaw. Even if she was, what would be your suggestion? Lose weight to make friends?! A young woman in college doesn’t need that kind of crap to think about.

    #795435 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    Yeah, I’m sorry this is happening to you — it’s hard, and it’s mean of them to exclude you like that. Nobody here can tell you why they don’t like you, but since I’d wager you’re all 18, my bet would be the reason is a stupid one.

    It’s only been a few weeks. When I was younger my family moved a lot I used to be very awkward (like, so quiet/shy I basically didn’t speak) when I was in unfamiliar social situations and around new people, and I think it caused people to initially dislike me. I’d get comfortable, open up, and we’d become friends. So it’s possible that as time passes, you’ll settle in, get to know each other, and become friends with them. If that’s something you’re interested in, you can try being the organizer of an activity (if asking all of them to do something is intimidating, you could try one-on-one with the one you feel you have the best rapport).

    It’s also possible you’ll only ever be roommates — some people (and yes, it does seem to be primarily women) are clique-y jerks and that’s just how it is — so you should seek friendships outside your suitemates. Whether or not you ever become friends, keep things friendly and polite. I had a massive falling out with my roommate when I was 19, and I wish we’d both kept in mind that we’d be stuck with one another for another semester.

    #795438 Reply
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    MMR

    This sucks, and I don’t know why it’s happening, but in the end, it doesn’t matter why, it matters what you do about it.

    If I were you, I would just decide that “that’s how it is”, and focus my energy elsewhere. Like most have suggested, they’ve decided that you’re “out”, but you’re only “out” if you care about being “in”. They sound like they’re not worth the effort, so don’t give them the satisfaction. Be polite, but INTENTIONALLY DECIDE that it’s fine, they can do what they want, and you have better things to do.

    I suspect this is your first time living away from home, so let this be:
    Real World* Lesson #1: Some people are terrible and don’t deserve your time. So don’t give it to them.

    *college isn’t ~really~ the real world, but it’s halfway there 😉

    #795451 Reply
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    Amerre

    Do you like them? If so, why? Why would you enjoy their company? Try to genuinely connect if you think they are people you want a connection with. As in, ask a meaningful question (appropriate to your level of closeness), ask if they want to try your food, an honest compliment. If these don’t go anywhere, you tried! Don’t waste time worrying about people who don’t spend time with you. Continue to be nice and polite (and perhaps open to being friends later this year) and go look for connections with the people you are really interested in. Don’t be afraid to be rejected, (or reject people!) it means you’re trying… sorry I didn’t answer your question..it could be anything, they could even just think you’re busy (to give them class notes) and already have friends. They could find your social skills lacking juvenile or au contraire too refined/ mature for their vibe. Any subtle cultural difference, they could be judging you for your taste in music/something else, and really only want a group with people who are quite similar (immature mindset maybe, but it happens.) you could have somehow offended one of them. If you can’t stand not knowing ask at the end of the year:)

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