Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Why has he ghosted me?
- This topic has 54 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by RonDe.
A few months ago I went on holiday with my husband and daughter to my favourite place. The photos I posted on Facebook and Instagram etc prompted an old friend to get back in touch with me. When we were kids we, and a large group of family and friends went on the best holiday ever to this place. We were both over the moon to be back in touch after 21 years. He now lives in Australia, married with kids. We talked every day, grew really close again and it wasn’t long before our talks became slightly intimate/flirty. He admitted that he had a crush on me when we were young, but he and his family had emigrated so he couldn’t do anything about it. He came back after a few years (I think he was about 17-18) and tried to look me up but I was with my husband by then. He admitted to me that even though he was now married (and he loves his wife) I was the one he wanted to go out with when we were young. We grew close through texts with some intimate flirty talk once or twice. He always text me first and always said he loved talking to me, that he never wanted us to lose touch again. We became the best of friends again. It didn’t affect the way we felt about our spouses though. We just loved talking to each other and wanted to stay in touch for the rest of our lives. We even planned a group meet up when he came for a visit in a year or 2, and have a big reunion with the holiday crew. Then suddenly, I didn’t hear from him for a few days, so I text him and he didn’t respond. That’s when I discovered that he had unfriended and blocked me on everything. It’s very strange considering how amazing we were getting on and the strong connection we had. It has thrown me in a state of confusion and devastation. It hurts to think that he suddenly didn’t want to be friends anymore. I confided in another friend of mine who thinks that it may be something to do with his wife and that someone don’t just cut ties like that unless there was something wrong. Do you think his wife may have found out? And will he ever get back in touch again? I’m going crazy with this. He’s my oldest and bestest friend I ever had.JDGuest
Who cares why?? Focus on your marriage. This was borderline cheating and i Astaire you that your husband would not be pleased. You should be looking into couples counseling or at least individual.MissDParticipant
You were having an inappropriate emotional affair with this man. Key word: inappropriate. Perhaps his wife found out, or perhaps he realized that things had gotten out of hand and that he needed to cut things off in order to focus on his marriage (which he should).
Forget about this guy and focus on your own marriage, as JD said. I’m sure you do love your husband, as you say, but clearly there’s something lacking in your own marriage for you to be so caught up in this emotional affair.
No, it wasn’t really like that. Yes I have a wonderful marriage. My husband knew I was back in touch with my old friend and regardless of how conversation turned a few short times, we were more happy with being back in touch as old friends again.anonymousseParticipant
From what you wrote,
“We grew close through a lot of texts and video chats with a lot of intimate talk.”
there definitely was an inappropriate element.
Maybe his wife saw the messages, or he grew a conscious and decided nothing good would come out of reminiscing with you.
It really doesn’t matter what happened, it’s over. You really should focus on your husband and marriage, and not a fantasy from over 20 years ago. Those things are best left alone if you want your marriage to last.ktfranParticipant
I think you’re fooling yourself if you think this wasn’t an emotional affair. I don’t know many married people that connect like that with a friend who isn’t their spouse.
I’m 100% ok with my husband having friends of the opposite sex. I’m 100% ok with him talking to, e-mailing and grabbing a drink or dinner with a female friend. What I would not be ok with is him texting her first thing in the morning. Or right before bed. Or talking intimately. Or regular video chats. So likely, he either figured out what he was doing was wrong and he wanted to work on his marriage, or his wife found out and made him stop. Basically what everyone else has said.
Figure out what you’re missing in your life that his happened. Work on your marriage. Visit a counselor if you need to. Forget about this friend.MissDParticipant
Reminiscing about how you always wanted to be together and him telling you that he wished he was with you instead of his wife is not just friends being back in touch. That’s an emotional affair and it’s not at all appropriate.
He was right to end this.JuliecatharineGuest
You were having an emotional affair and planning to meet at some point to ‘reminisce’ (with his penis). His wife found out or he realized he was going to lose his family over a fantasy. Wake up.
You are way off (and you’re disgusting) it wasn’t what your sordid little mind is thinking at all.JuliecatharineGuest
You’re way in denial (or straight stupid) if you think your little texting sessions weren’t leading to that.KateGuest
The way you described in your first post how things progressed is objectively inappropriate. I’ve had an online emotional affair while in a relationship (not a marriage but a committed relationship), and I’m not judging you, but yeah, your communication wasn’t appropriate. He stopped because either he realized that on his own, or his wife asked him to cut off contact.ronGuest
It seems obvious why he ghosted you. His wife learned of your emotional affair. The sheer volume of contents and his stating that he wished he was with you instead of his wife would cause any spouse to be very upset. Faced with destroying his marriage or continuing the emotional affair with you, your friend made the right choice and ended the emotional affair. That’s what you should already have done. It had become too intimate. When the ‘old friend’ not only confesses an ancient crush, but lets you know that the flame is still burning and he should be with you rather than with his wife, that is a problem. You say that your husband was okay with all of this, but I have to wonder if he fully understood the nature of your conversations. Yes, this definitely was a long-distance emotional affair. You might never leave your husband, but it certainly sounds like your friend might well leave his wife if you were willing to leave husband. Consider yourself lucky to be ghosted. This might well have destroyed your marriage. Poor judgment on your part. You were getting off on the adulation.