Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Why is my mom doing this.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Why is my mom doing this.

This topic contains 14 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar sarahbelle 1 month ago.

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  • #750218 Reply
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    Ashley

    About a month ago my mom’s current boyfriend decided it would be okay to enter my room at night and kiss me. He had been drinking and it turned into an ugly mess. I am 23 and yes I live with my mom. She is always out of town working so I basically live here alone. Anyways, I met this boyfriend around Christmas of 2017. He’s been to our house several times. He lived 4 hours away so he would only come on the weekends.this particular weekend was like all the others. We always got along and there was never any flirting or signs to point towards what would occur. After the night of drama my mom told me she was done with him and promised me he wouldn’t be back. 3 days after the incident she starts talking to him again and has been ever since. He hasn’t been to our house but she’s been to his. This Saturday she made plans for him to come back to our house. She told me I’d need to spend the night elsewhere and she needed the house Saturday night. I feel hurt and betrayed. She chose him over me. Our relationship has already changed because of him. We were once so close now I don’t believe what she says. Am I wrong? What is wrong with her?

    #750220 Reply
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    brise

    I am shocked. I think you should go to the police in order to report this abuse. It will put an end to the situation and set clear limits for yourself, and for your mother who fails her duty. You have the right to be at home and not suffer any abuse. The relationship between your mother and this man is not your problem. Just defend yourself and go today to the police.

    #750223 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    I’d guess your mom is a very insecure woman with low self esteem issues who needs the validation of a man in her life. She cares more about that than her own flesh and blood. I’m sure the boyfriend lied & is manipulative, but if she wants to believe him then… Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about someone else issues or actions, all you can do is protect yourself and set boundaries as to what you’ll accept from her. I strongly suggest you find somewhere else to live ASAP and cut down contact with your mom(only if she’s alone). Sorry, but you’ve got accept the reality of who your mother is, rather then who you wish her to be.

    It may be a good idea to seek out some counselling on how to accept/deal who your mom is and how to emotionally protect yourself.

    #750224 Reply
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    Ashley

    The night this incident occurred alot of crazy things happened. This boyfriend of hers drives her new car and she pays alot of things for him.the night it happened he threatened to do all kinds of horrible things to her and me and my brother. She claimed that was out of character for him. We even went to the police that night to report the incidents. We went to his home to try to retrieve her car that he drove off in. We were unsuccessful and I feel like she just gave up. She claims now that she’s protecting us by being with him because he won’t harm us or her as long as their in a relationship. I feel as if this is an excuse to keep seeing him. I feel like time was wasted that night trying to resolve everything when things are the same now. We have always been so close she should notice this is affecting me emotionally. I often wonder if she thinks I made the incident up. If he does come back Saturday then my options are limited. I don’t have alot of family nor places to go. I have my brothers apartment but he hates the guy and I don’t want to put him in that situation. I keep thinking this is a dream I’ll wake up from. I’ll have to sleep in my car or get a cheap hotel room that night. My mom always preached never choose a man over your kids but what is this. This guy is younger than her and my brother has been saying he thinks this is a midlife crisis.

    #750225 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    So she’s continuing to date him to protect you. Bah. I don’t buy it. She’s making a choice. A bad choice.

    Maybe it’s time to move in with another relative or a friend? Whatever it is – you can’t stay.

    #750226 Reply
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    Ashley

    Yes she claims it’s to protect me and my brother because he will come after us if she leaves him and takes her car back. She basically says he won’t let their relationship end. She makes it out like he’s so dangerous ,and he is , but yet she’s still with him. She acts like we are the same but me and her have changed. U don’t care to hang out with her and I just force myself to talk to her so there isn’t added drama. I can’t believe she would let him back into our house. The night it happened I called my brother and drove off. I didn’t go tell her because I thought she wouldn’t believe me or do anything. She said that upset her but she’s proving me right now that she won’t change or get rid of him.

    #750229 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    She’s in an abusive relationship. Please read about the cycle of abuse so you understand it. That will help answer your question, “why is she doing this?”

    Stay at your brother’s apartment if the guy spends the night. Sleeping in your car is a bad idea, and so is spending money on a hotel that you could be saving for a deposit on a room in an apartment with normal people.

    You’re probably going to need to move out.

    #750237 Reply
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    JD

    So I’m assuming he bought the car so she feels trapped. If she is so worried he’d harm you if she’s left him she needs to have police involved, not continue the relationship.

    #750246 Reply
    Lucidity
    Lucidity
    Member

    Please stay at your brother’s apartment. I know you don’t want him to get upset about what’s going on, but I’m sure he would much rather you spend the night with him than in your car or a motel. You need to save money to get out of this situation, and having a family member you can open up to and trust right now is important.

    Don’t force yourself to interact with your mom as if nothing has happened. Tell her how you feel and how you’ve seen her change, so that she’s forced to confront what she’s doing. Don’t make it easy for her to sweep it under the rug or justify it. Take Kate’s advice and read up on the cycle of abuse to better understand what’s happening in her head.

    Do you have any friends whose families could take you in for a little while? If you were my child’s friend and I heard this story my doors would be open.

    #750249 Reply
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    Northern Star

    Ashley, your mom’s feelings don’t matter as much as your safety.

    It may not be “fair” to put your brother in the middle (just like it’s not fair that YOU have to deal with this man), but I’m sure he’d rather know you’re safe than find out something terrible happened because you were trying not to worry him. You really need to figure out a way to move out of your mom’s house permanently. Start looking for people in need of roommates. Do you have a job? Get one, or get a second one so you can support yourself and run your own life. You’re an adult, and you need to be doing this, anyway.

    You can’t and shouldn’t trust your mom anymore. I’m sorry.

    #750252 Reply
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    Ashley

    No she pays for everything. He doesn’t even have a vehicle. He borrowed her car before she got this new one. About 2 months ago she traded her car for this 2018 per his request. He’s been driving it since. She pays for food hotel gas everything. She pays the car note as well as the insurance and all he has to do is drive the car and enjoy. When he would come to our house she stocked up on all his groceries and alcohol he likes. She buys him clothes and shoes. She even bought him a new phone at Christmas and pays his phone bill. Makes me wonder does she want a man or a child considering she is supporting him as if he’s a child living at home. She is about to be 50 and he’s 36 I’m 23 so he’s between us in age but his maturity level is that of a 16 year old boy.he has a record and has been to jail and even in prison for 9 or so years. He has 3 kids which he doesn’t really father.she even went and had cable turned on at our house for when he comes because “he likes to watch the games”. We have always just used Netflix or something because neither her or I watch it enough to have cable. Next week she’s taking him on vacation to Miami to see his kids. He doesn’t even have his own house so when she does go down to his place (4hours away) they stay in hotels. She even pays for him to sleep in hotels because he will complain his roommates are too noisy and he can’t sleep. I don’t know why she would want to support him when she didn’t want to support my birth father. If she does ask for the car back he gets all crazy saying he can’t believe she would leave him a foot and without a way of getting around and it gets all dramatic. I don’t have friends really and I just have my brother and mom for family. My parents never had us around our extended family and my dad is no good. I don’t have a family member I can talk to since my family consists of her and my brother. My brother would get angry at her and I feel like it would make things worse.

    #750253 Reply
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    JD

    Then why did you say she is worried he will take the car? Great, let him, he can be arrested for grand theft auto? not that you have any control over this but do you see how she is just making up excuses. Please be upfront with your brother and go there for now.

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