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Dear Wendy

Why was she pretending to like me when she wasn’t

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  • #891202 Reply

    Less than a month ago i started dating a girl. We knew about each other before already. It all started when i sent her an instagram request, and then she sent me a message, and we started chating. Pretty soon we started dating.
    We broke up, now. Her excuse was that she was feeling anxious and that she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but she didn’t have the intention of completely disappearing. Which got me really confused. She wanted to brak up but she still wanted to keep seeing me?!

    Everything felt weird right from the start. She was frequently talking about her ex’s, the problematic relationship with her parents (wich i think it was just an excuse not to introduce us), didn’t want to kiss or holding hands in public, and lots of other weird things.

    Looking back now, i can say for sure that she never was interested in having a relationship. So why did she accepted to go out with me in the first place?

    #891427 Reply

    You put a thread named something else on the advice group. It’s not really necessary to post twice , but your posts are a little different.

    Accept that people change their minds. Nobody owes anyone a relationship, and dating for a month is not a long time. It really is not. People are allowed to try each other out for a while to see if it feels right. And she’s told you – for whatever reasoon, that it doesn’t feel right and she doesn’t want to be with you. That’s your closure – she said it isn’t working and she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. She was allowed to try out dating you and then change her mind – she doesn’t have to justify trying!

    Frankly, there’s nothing wrong with not introducing your parents in the first month of dating (in a lockdown? How are any of you meeting?).

    If someone wants to keep seeing you after you break up, it’s either to be friends, or friends with benefits, or keep you hanging on. If you can’t or don’t want to do the above, then don’t. You don’t have to have her in your life at all – be a big boy/girl and delete her on social media or tell her you’d prefer to move on, if you are uncomfortable with staying in contact.

    It honestly sounds like the whole ‘relationship’ weirded you out, so move on.

    #891431 Reply

    Yeah. Few meet the parents in month 1 of dating.

    #891567 Reply

    You can’t say for sure what her motivation was. It sounds like a normal dating experience. You dated a little bit and she broke up and she wants to “stay friends” because maybe she does, or maybe because that’s a nice thing to say at the end of a relationship.

    Most people don’t meet their partners families that early. Months, years even seem more normal than right away.

    There’s very little detail of what your short relationship was like, but if these posts are any indication, maybe you were a little too intense for her?

    It’s normal to date for a short time. It’s actually more rare to have a long lasting relationship. Don’t get so hung up on the rejection. It doesn’t have to mean something is wrong with you or that she was lying about liking you- it just turns out she didn’t like you enough to keep dating you.

    #891586 Reply

    This is what dating is like. And I doubt very much that she was pretending to like you.

    You meet someone, get to know them a little bit, and you see some potential there. Maybe, this person might be someone you’d want to be in a relationship with? So you start going on dates. See how you are together. Get to know them better. Do your personalities fit together well? Are you a good combination in terms of values, interests, the way you see the world?

    Sometimes you get really, really lucky and it all works. Much more often, as you get to know each other better, you realize you don’t really fit together so well after all. And then you move on and keep dating, keep looking for that really good match.

    This situation is going to happen to you a lot. It happens to everyone a lot. I was in my forties before I found that really good match. And sometimes it was me saying “I don’t think this is working,” and sometimes it was the guy. It never feels good when things don’t work out. But it’s just part of life. Pick yourself up, lose the anger you’re feeling, and move on.

    #891591 Reply

    Maybe she’s just not that into you.

    #891599 Reply

    His hang up seems to be that if she broke up with him, then she must never have liked him in the first place. Which just isn’t how it works.

    And you can like someone very much as a person and a friend and not want to be in a romantic relationship with them. One of my dearest and longest-lasting friendships is with a guy that I dated for about a year. We were madly in love. We just could not make it work as a couple. Fought all the time. We work so much better as friends.

    #893718 Reply

    Dating is about getting to know somebody. A month is really too early to be meeting Parents. I think she probably does like you, but she still needs to get to know you. The relationship Was probably moving too fast for her. And like I said dating is getting to know somebody. She probably Still doesn’t know you well enough to know if she will fall in love with you or see you as a life partner. So my take on this is that you’re trying to go to fast. And she wants to continue to know you in a more casual and slower way.

    #930723 Reply

    Meeting parents within a month of dating is not common. Meeting parents within one month of dating during a pandemic that disproportionately kills older people is unethical!

    #961355 Reply

    It seems that she wants romantic attention from you without making an actual commitment.

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