- This topic has 37 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 months, 4 weeks ago by Jennifer.
- November 23, 2019 at 8:34 am #861042JayB86Guest
Hi there looking for some help. My wife and I are constantly arguing about the amount of time I spend with my parents and brothers. I have always argued that it isn’t in excess, she always argues that it’s too much. My brothers still live at home with my parents and so when I get the chance to I stay with them for the weekend. This happens probably once every 2 to 3 months. My wife always tells me “everyone I speak to doesn’t do that and it’s weird that their husband would spend a weekend away from the wife”. I think my wife struggles with it because any of her family live in the United States and mine are an hour and a half drive away. I understand this must be difficult for her seeing me spend time with my family but it doesn’t seem fair to chastise me for something that is outside of my control. I am 33 and she is 40 and we have been married now for six years. Please help I would love some valuable opinions. If there are any other questions please let me know so I can help give a better context if desired.November 23, 2019 at 9:16 am #861053ronGuest
I didn’t get the bit about this being outside your control. You make the decision to stay at your parents’ house with your brothers. It is under your control. Not a terrible thing, if it’s only 4 times a year, but own it. Also, your phrasing makes it sound like your parents still control your actions. Is that true? How old are your brothers? If they are relatively close to your age, then it is a little odd that they both still live at home. That makes it seem as though your brothers can’t, or your parents won’t let them, leave the nest, which suggest that you aren’t able to be fully independent, either.
If this is something that you and your wife fight about frequently, then you need to work on it. Why do you visit your family alone? Does your wife not want to go with you, or is she unwelcome? Unwelcome by your family, by you, or both?
Have you tried marital counseling?November 23, 2019 at 9:37 am #861057
“ it doesn’t seem fair to chastise me for something that is outside of my control.”
It’s absolutely in your control how close you live to your family and how much time you spend with them
And I don’t think what’s “fair” here (what Internet strangers think is fair) is as important as you and your wife having a happy marriage. Sorry, but you need to actually work something out with her that will work for both of you.November 23, 2019 at 9:41 am #861059
Also, if you’re really “constantly arguing” about this, it sounds like it’s more than a 4x a year occurrence. Not to mention exhausting. Work it out.November 23, 2019 at 9:44 am #861060dinocerosMember
Agreed that it’s silly to say it’s outside of your control. Does your family kidnap you for the weekend? Are you legally required to live that close to them? It’s in your control.
I also agree with Kate that it’s doesn’t matter what’s normal. The two of you need to find a solution that works for both of you. Your attitude that you’re right and she’s wrong isn’t going to get anywhere.
Her reason for pointing to whether it’s “normal” or not is because it’s pretty clear to her that you don’t value HER opinion, so she thinks that maybe you’ll value other people’s opinions. That’s a REALLY bad sign for your marriage.
What would you be doing if your brothers were independent and lived on their own? Do you think they will ever do that?November 23, 2019 at 9:49 am #861063Part-time LurkerGuest
Are you saying that the fact that your wife’s family does not live in the US is out of your control or that the fact that you visit your family is out of your control? Why doesn’t your wife go with you?November 23, 2019 at 9:58 am #861069JayB86Guest
When I mentioned outside of my control what I meant was the fact that her family lives in a different country to us.
In regards to me making the choice to go and be with them For a weekend from time to time, yes that is within my control. However I want to remain having a strong family bond with all of them and I don’t think it’s excessive to visit them every three months.
In regards to my attitude of I’m right if she’s wrong, I’m not sure how that conclusion was met I simply wanted to ask other peoples opinion. I’m of the persuasion that I’d like to spend as much time with my family while I can because tomorrow isn’t promised.
As for my brothers,I agree that is odd that they still live at home. They are both 22 and 24. I said my opinion on the matter but at the end of the day you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Finally to talk to the point of why does she not come with me. A few years ago their dog and our dog had a fight over Food and since then she hasn’t wanted to take our dog over there, which is totally fair. My wife and my parents have a perfectly healthy relationship and they visit us from time to time.
If her family lived close to us I would have no qualms with her spending four times a year going to visit them for the weekend so I don’t understand why the same courtesy can’t be given to me.November 23, 2019 at 10:05 am #861071anonymousseMember
Why don’t you invite your brothers to stay at your place? Or just go for the day and not overnight? Or figure out a way your wife and dog can visit without issue? I personally don’t think it’s weird that you spend the weekend at your parents house 4 times a year. It’s strange that this is such a big deal that you (as you say) are arguing constantly about it. Ask her why she thinks it’s weird. Ask her why she’s upset you’re close to your family. Are there other issues, and this brother thing is a red herring?November 23, 2019 at 10:10 am #861072JayB86Guest
Yes, I guess the brothers thing is really relevant except for the fact that I visit the whole family at the same time. It’s just a convenience thing all still in one house. The drive isn’t too far, it’s about an hour and a half. I honestly just don’t like driving back and forward a lot. Also when I say constantly I probably took that out of context a little bit. It’s just a pretty fierce argument when it does come up usually when I’m about to go or just got back.November 23, 2019 at 10:18 am #861073FyodorGuest
Does your wife have many friends? I wonder if part of the issue is that she feels especially dependent on you so when you leave she’s alone.November 23, 2019 at 10:19 am #861074
I mean, how about not having the same fierce argument over and over? Be a problem solver. Realize that you are on the same side and *talk civilly* and figure it out together. If you two don’t have that skill set, a marriage counselor could help.November 23, 2019 at 10:21 am #861075JayB86Guest
She does tell me that she misses me incredibly while I am gone and that she hates having the house to herself and just to dogs. She has a few good friends but is really a home body and enjoys the comfort of being in the house vs. going out with people other than me.