- This topic has 37 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Jennifer.
- November 23, 2019 at 10:27 am #861077JayB86Guest
Kate – typically we will talk about it and I try to rationalise it by way of saying I seldom go and that we could get a hotel and take the dogs for the weekend. Unfortunately this usually goes down the path of her getting irritated and results in outlandish requests like having my parents put their dog in a kennel for the weekend so we can visit. I try to have a civil discussion about it but she almost always loses her cool and starts to scream/shout rather than just talk at a normal level. She seems unwilling or unable sometimes to talk about things in a calm manner if it’s an undesirable item for her. Finances are of a similar outcome when we discuss money. The trend I see is that if it’s not something she wants to hear (ideal solution for her) the response escalates to shouting and/or tears.November 23, 2019 at 10:29 am #861078
It is a bad sign that you can’t have a calm conversation about this, especially after so many years of marriage. Is she depressed? She does sound overly dependent on you, if one short trip to see your family every three months puts her in such a bad mood that she starts a fight with you, and it sounds like it’s not a productive or respectful conversation.
Find a counselor. Invite her to come to your parent’s, too. The dogs can be separated, right?November 23, 2019 at 10:31 am #861079
Counseling.November 23, 2019 at 10:33 am #861080
You can also choose not to engage when someone starts screaming. You can de-escalate. You can remove yourself until they calm down. A marriage counselor can help with these tactics.November 23, 2019 at 10:37 am #861083JayB86Guest
Hi Kate – I usually remain pretty calm and use the same tone and voice level even when she is screaming. Sometimes my patience gets the better of me and I retaliate and react with some name-calling. I know it’s not constructive but just when I get to boiling point it comes out. As for the taking myself out of the situation – I do and have done. Her response? “You’re running away from an argument again”. I usually tell her that I’m not, I’m just taking myself out of it until she has calmed down and we can resume. I repeat this step every time she becomes excessively irritated and starts raising her voice again which means an argument can go on for a while because of the constant pausing and returning.November 23, 2019 at 10:43 am #861085
Counseling.November 23, 2019 at 10:57 am #861089
Your combined communication tactics are bad and not working. You need outside help.November 23, 2019 at 10:59 am #861090
Screaming is very bad, but name-calling is worse.November 23, 2019 at 11:50 am #861093JayB86Guest
Perhaps I didn’t emphasise the ratio. Almost every unsavoury discussion results in her outburst but not every outburst causes me to lose my patience and name-call. I know it’s not right but the ratio is likely 10-1. This seems a little like I’m made out to be the bad guy for snapping once out of the ten times I have to accept abuse through screaming and shouting…November 23, 2019 at 11:58 am #861094dinocerosMember
I feel like you sort of buried the actual issue here. This weekends away thing is a symptom of the fact that your marriage is seriously dysfunctional. You two need counseling or you have to decide whether your marriage can be salvaged.
Acknowledging that you both are bad at communication isn’t making you out to be the bad guy. Nobody is going to turn this into a thread of just saying your wife is causing all the problems. At the very least, because you’re choosing to live in a marriage like this. You don’t “have” to accept this if you consider it abuse, and I’d say that trying counseling and seeing if it helps and if not, deciding if you are OK being in a toxic marriage, makes sense.November 23, 2019 at 12:12 pm #861098
I’m not saying you’re the bad guy. You’re very focused on who’s right and wrong and who’s the bad guy. The real issue is that you two can’t argue constructively, there’s name-calling and screaming, and there’s a big issue that’s causing ongoing conflict and not getting resolved. That’s when a couple needs help.November 23, 2019 at 12:30 pm #861101
Do you want someone to tell you that you should get divorced? Okay, get a divorce.
It is clear that you both have major issues with respectful communication and you both either need couples counseling for your marriage, or you should end it. Your wife isn’t communicating appropriately, but neither are you. No one said you were the bad guy.