- This topic has 37 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Jennifer.
- November 23, 2019 at 12:51 pm #861104FyodorGuest
I would strongly recommend counseling. The problem isn’t the visits. It’s how you guys resolve conflict.November 23, 2019 at 1:48 pm #861111CurlyQueParticipant
I don’t know how these weekends are originally brought up, if you bring them right before and tell her you’re leaving or if they’re planned out. If it’s the first, then definitely sit down with her and pick the weekend’s together.
Another helpful thing, may be setting funds aside so that she CAN visit her family.November 23, 2019 at 2:13 pm #861115ronGuest
Excellent suggestion CurlyQue. I assumed that she does get to see her parents, but less frequently than he does. If that’s not the case, then it is unfair and a very big problem.November 23, 2019 at 2:14 pm #861117ronGuest
I guess the other thing LW never explained is how the two of them happen to be living in his native country. How mutual was that original decision?November 23, 2019 at 3:27 pm #861128SkyblossomParticipant
I agree with everyone that the communication skills in your marriage are pretty dysfunctional. She probably justifies her screaming in the same way that you justify your name calling. It is easy to rationalize your own bad behavior by blaming it on the other person.
If marriage counseling is available I’d try that first. Learn to discuss things respectfully. If the two of you can’t ever reach a respectful point then you have to decide whether the balance of the marriage is good enough that you will put up with the bad or whether the balance is bad enough that you don’t want to remain in the marriage.November 23, 2019 at 8:36 pm #861148ktfranParticipant
I’m not sure that you can compare 4 weekends a year vs one or two longer trips to visit family. The time away would be similar in total days.
There are so many compromises that could be made. A hotel that takes dogs so she can go too. A dog sitter. Idk.
Definitely couples counseling.November 23, 2019 at 8:58 pm #861151SkyblossomParticipant
It says a tremendous amount about the marriage when the recurring issue is over dogs. There are so many ways to manage dogs that it seems ridiculous to not come up with one that works.
The wife wants his parents to put their dog in a kennel for the weekend. Why not the couple’s dogs? Or get a pet sitter to come by and take care of the dogs in their own home and the couple goes without dogs. Or the couple finds a place to stay that allows dogs, maybe a hotel or maybe a spot found through an app or an online site. There are lots of dog friendly options. Or take the dogs to the parent’s house but make sure the dogs are kept separate.
Another option is for the husband to leave in the morning and come back in the evening. Spend only one day of the weekend but go twice as often. So if you go four weekends per year go 8 times instead for one day each time.
Invite the parents to come and visit and the brothers can make a separate visit so that someone is always home with their dogs.
There are so many options it seems that no one wants a workable solution.November 23, 2019 at 9:07 pm #861153ktfranParticipant
Right @skyblossom? The fact that it gets this heated (screaming/name calling) over a solvable problem reeks of dysfunction. It seems so silly.
Another compromise, he goes twice a year solo and the other two times they figure out a way for wife to go and do something different with the dog. So many compromises. And neither person is right or wrong. It’s about finding the right fit for your relationship.November 28, 2019 at 9:51 am #861824CETGuest
Why are you not a team and planning family visits together? Why isn’t she going too? My husband and I go visit either of our parents together. We see my husband’s mom more often than my mom because we live only 5.5 hours away and can drive there, where my mom lives 15 hours away. Do your parents ever visit you? Do you plan a once a year visit to see her family? My advice is find some good dog sitters and go TOGETHER.November 28, 2019 at 9:52 am #861825CETGuest
PS – We have a dog and two cats and I have 3 different dog sitters. Look on Rover.com. Ask at your vet. Ask friends for recommendations. You just suck it up and pay the money. Our pet sitters stay at our house and our pets love them.November 28, 2019 at 9:55 am #861826CETGuest
I just read your other responses…you guys should definitely start doing some marriage counseling so you can learn how to communicate better without anger/screaming/etc. Your wife probably never learned how to properly communicate growing up and it’s good to work on this as a skill. Good luck.November 28, 2019 at 1:39 pm #861845LadyPantsGuest
I love that you capitalized “Food” re: the dog fight. My first question was whether your activities were exclusive to her, and it sounds like they are- and not by her own choice. I mean, it’s technically her choice not to endanger her dog but you’re going to have to realize that’s not leaving her with any safe (or possibly legal) options except to stay home with them. There is also the possibility of hiring a dog sitter, but that’s obvious enough I think you’d have addressed it by now. So your family activity does exclude her. People are different, and as others have noted, it does not matter what is “normal”. Normal, when applied to human behavior, is the top most hilarious word in the English language. The person you’re with is being hurt by your choices, which are not normal to her, and there is a wide range of reasons for that to be true. That’s why your statement that you would not have a problem with her visiting her family is completely irrelevant to how she feels or what you need to do to ensure her well-being. It’s up to you both to acknowledge what is important to each party here, try to seriously evaluate what matters most to whom, and to what purpose your actions are being taken. I venture a guess that you can manage a compromise that allows for the healthy maintenance of all involved relationships.
P.S. I live amidst an assembly of islands in the Pacific Northwest; everything is an hour an a half away. Or two and a half hours. Or three and a half if you have to get to Seattle, what with city traffic and ferries and all. I have zero sympathy for the “hour and a half away” excuse… because to me, this is “normal.” If I have to spend an hour an a half getting to the dentist, I don’t feel like I should be packing a sleeping bag to justify the drive time. Please don’t tell you wife that this your sleepovers are about the long commute. They’re not.