Will my bf love me?

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  • Nina
    June 28, 2023 at 6:00 pm #1123497

    My bf and I have been dating for 8 months and he still hasn’t said I love you. I said it after 2 months, and about a month later I asked if he knew why he didn’t love me yet. His response was that he’s said it too quickly before and ended up getting hurt. I told him that I understand (and I do). But I feel like by 8 months he should know, right? I feel like if he doesn’t love me by now, he’s not going to. Are my thoughts reasonable, or should I give him more time? How much time is the right amount of time? I know that everyone is different, but there’s gotta be a cutoff at some point, right?

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    peggy
    June 28, 2023 at 9:56 pm #1123498

    Hi Nina, this is a question no one but your boyfriend can answer. Either he does not and may not ever love you, or he thinks he might but is not sure, or he does, but can’t express it.
    In general, I think if he has not said it by now,then that is your answer. Many people who fall in love and are serious, get engaged after a year together and you are close to that now.
    The only thing, I read in a dating book, was some men want to “lead” and by you going
    first with the “love you” , you either pressured him or stole his “thunder”. I am not saying this is right or what happened but it could be related.
    You could make a deadline in your mind,say 10 months or a year and if things remain the same, then tell him that you feel you are more invested in the relationship than he is, and break it off. I guess it depends if you really love him and hope for a serious commitment from him specifically or you just want to be married? Examine why you love him.
    I think your thoughts are reasonable,but really understand your motives. I also think you have intuition and gut feelings you can rely on..do you feel by all his actions that he does love you, or are you thinking he does not or cannot? If you don’t want to wait, as suggested above, you could just be frank and say that you love him and enjoy the relationship you have,but are afraid you want more from him than he can or will give you. See how he responds and decide what to do from there. He will either ‘step up’ or admit he is not “feeling it” and then you can move on together or apart.

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    LisforLeslie
    June 29, 2023 at 5:20 am #1123501

    I agree with @peggy – you can lay out the options here – a. he does love you and he’s being a manipulative shit to keep you in line (aka girls like assholes) or b.he does love you but he’s too scared to say it which does not bode well for solid relationship – communication is key or c. he doesn’t love you but likes your company.

    Only you can determine if any of these are a deal breaker. Personally, b is the only acceptable option but with the caveat that it requires going to couples counseling to learn how to communicate openly with one another.

    If you feel in any way that it’s option a. – manipulation – then you should get the fuck out of dodge.

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    Anonymousse
    June 29, 2023 at 7:34 am #1123508

    His explanation that he’s said it too quickly before and ended up getting hurt is ridiculous.

    I think you need to decide how much longer you’re willing to wait, and I’d actually take it up with him. You did nothing to deserve him withholding love- and him saying it before is not what caused him pain. He is causing you to reconsider the seriousness of your relationship, which you should. He sounds incredibly immature.

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    Daisy
    June 29, 2023 at 2:24 pm #1123516

    Well, my boyfriend didn’t say “I love you” to me until we had dated almost a year. We are getting married in November and now he tells me multiple times a day. Some people just need longer to be sure. I appreciated him taking things slowly because I’ve been in relationships where we rushed into things before and it always ended disastrously. I do feel that you saying it two months in was pretty premature. I don’t think you can really know that you love someone that early on, but that’s just my opinion.

    I think you need to look at the big picture of your relationship and also trust what your gut is telling you. Is he there for you when you really need support? Does he make plans with you for the future? Has he introduced you to important people in his life? It’s actually very easy for someone to say “I love you” and not mean it but much harder for them to live up to those words every day. Does he behave like he loves you or does he act like this is just a fling?

    Ultimately, you get to decide what you need from a relationship and how long you are willing to wait for it. And maybe this guy is not what you need. But you can’t badger or pressure him into saying he loves you. Either he will or won’t. All you get to decide is whether you’ll still be there to hear it if and when he does.

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    Nina
    June 29, 2023 at 2:46 pm #1123518

    I do feel like he loves me based on his actions, but whenever we talk about the issue he just says, “you know I care about you, right?” And I do know, but it’s starting to not be enough. I’m looking for a life partner, someone to have a child with. He has said the same. But there are times when I look at him and just want to tell him how much I love him and I can’t, because not hearing it back just feels like a knife in the heart. I think I will have to create a deadline, but I’m not sure if that’s reasonable because, like I said, he does show love through actions. But I just can’t imagine that if you know someone for EIGHT months and don’t love them, that you’ll ever love them.

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    Nina
    June 29, 2023 at 2:56 pm #1123519

    To answer a few of your questions, he has absolutely come through when I’ve needed him. We’ve made lots of plans. We’ve gone on weekend trips, have considered vacation options, and have talked about when we might move in together (neither of us I ready, but still, we talked about it.

    The one thing a lot of people in my life have told me is a red flag is that he’s not ready for me to meet his friends and family. When I try to ask him why he always says he’s just not ready; nothing more. What do you think of this? I feel like it means he’s not serious about me.

    Reply
    LisforLeslie
    June 29, 2023 at 3:13 pm #1123521

    I don’t know if it means he’s not serious, but it does mean that he’s not prepared to merge his worlds: family, work friends, not work friends, high school friends, college friends, book club and kickball team worlds.

    His vague answer makes me want to smack the back of his head though. Maybe his family sucks and he needs to know you’re in this for the long haul because they are just awful. Or maybe he thinks they’ll love you and then he’ll get even more pressure to move this relationship forward. You don’t know. Because he’s not communicating shit.

    Whatever drama his other girlfriends brought is not your bill to pay.

    Reply
    June 29, 2023 at 3:25 pm #1123522

    This doesn’t look good. A guy who’s excited about a future with you is absolutely introducing you to friends quickly, and family not long after. He’s not saying “you know I care about you, right?” That’s… off. If he feels like it’s too soon to say I love you, he’ll say something like “I adore you.”

    It sounds to me like he doesn’t see a future with you. Like maybe he wants to but the feeling just isn’t there.

    I would set a deadline in your mind, and then be prepared to walk.

    Reply
    June 29, 2023 at 3:51 pm #1123523

    I mean, don’t walk if you feel like,” you know what, I will be happy with this guy even if he NEVER says it. He doesn’t need to say it because I 100% know I’m in a relationship with a guy who loves me and is on the same page.” But I don’t think that’s how you feel. I think you feel like you’re in a relationship with a guy who cares about you and basically wants the same things you do, but you’re not sure he loves you or wants those things with YOU.

    I think if, at a year, you’re still feeling like that, you should move on.

    Reply
    Anonymousse
    June 29, 2023 at 6:48 pm #1123524

    It really doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be in the relationship you want.

    He doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends, or tell you he loves you. That’s pretty odd to me after this amount of time.

    I think you should move on. I don’t think you took his power away by saying it first, or that you said it “too early.” Some people are emotive and expressive. He sounds like a wet blanket.

    Reply
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Will my bf love me?

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