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Dear Wendy

Worried for my best friend. Should I intervene?

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  • #1091458 Reply

    Hi!! I have sorta a problem with my two best friends and I am not sure if I should intervene. So a little bit of a back story, I am in a group of 4 consist of my 2 guy best friends (lets name them Bob and Lee), my girl best friend (Ally) and I. Long story short, we had our ups and downs but ultimately, we do still care about one another deeply. So recently, Ally and Lee sorta had a thing for one another. Lee told Bob and I about it and the both of us agreed to help the both of them get together. It was very easy, and Ally turned out having interest in Lee as well. Anyways, they got together around a couple of weeks ago and I am very happy of them. The thing is..I am quite confused.

    I guess I wouldn’t say that I am SUPER experienced in relationships but I do feel like there are red flags in their relationships. A couple of weeks back when they are still in a “talking phase,” I remembered Ally telling me and two of our other closest friends (outside of the circle), that if she and Lee ever started to date, it would be kept very very private and low-key. I didn’t see a problem with it of course, in fact my two other friends and I even encouraged her to keep her relationship private. We believe there’s no need for other people to meddle in one’s relationship. However, lately I realised what Ally meant by “private” was actually “secret.”

    I had a hectic and busy schedule for the past few weeks so I didn’t ask nor text Ally regarding her matters with Lee. When I called her yesterday in the afternoon I managed to ask her regarding her relationship and only then she admitted that she has been dating him for the past couple of weeks. I didn’t think much of it. She isn’t the type of person to purposely contact her friends regarding these types of things anyways.

    However, last night as we were calling again discussing about a group project, she told me that she and Lee had broken up. I laughed thinking it was a joke but she insisted that they did. I wasn’t sure if I have believed her but she told me that it was because of her “commitment issues” and she freaked out. She also said that the both of them had “drifted apart” for the past few days. She even laughed about it. I had a feeling that she was joking but the “just kidding” never came around. I shrugged it off and continued to focus on the project. She had a chance to clear it up with me last night but she didn’t.

    This morning, Lee ended up texting about the “break-up” that Ally mentioned last night. He then revealed that it was in fact a “joke.” I wasn’t sure what to believe but I have to admit I was pretty annoyed. I am not sure if it was because of the fact that I believed it was just a cover up to ensure that NO ONE knows about the relationship or if it was because of the fact that I believed Ally was just being insecure and possibly “ashamed” of the relationship.

    Being friends with Ally and her being one of my closest friend, I can confidently say that I knew the type of person she is. When I first met her, she was straightforward, direct and didn’t care about what other had to say about her, and she always claimed that she didn’t. However recently, I noticed her starting to care about what other people thinks. She’s no longer carefree but until now, she has always insisted that she still is. Sometimes I think that she’s in denial. Bob and I had tried talking to her about it but she never really believed it or she just brushed the topic off.

    Lee on the other hand, he IS carefree and he doesn’t care what other people may think. When I asked Lee about the so-called “joke” he told me that him and Ally have agreed to come up with a “joke” where he will tell Bob and other of their close friends that she had rejected him the night he asked her out. I was confused, had a lot of opinions but I was worried that it could be wrong and could potentially harm their relationship, so I kept it to myself. Wanting to clarify, I asked Lee if other people were to question him regarding his relationship status with Ally what would he say. He said that he hasn’t come up with a “joke” YET. But if someone were to ask Ally she would just simply answer: “I thought he was gay.”

    Just a side note, the only reason why Lee told me the truth was because he THOUGHT Ally had told me the truth last night (but she didn’t). He also told me to get in into the joke, as in, if anyone asked regarding their relationship status, I should just say that he was rejected.

    So…am I just being paranoid? For all my years of being in relationships, my friends being in relationships, I have never experienced such a peculiar situation. Is it normal? Is it just different individual expectations and wants in a relationship? or is it actually weird? Please let me know. If it is a weird situation, should I intervene or should I just let nature run its course? Thank youu!! :))

    #1091460 Reply

    I have to say, this sounds like you’re all 12 years old and in middle school. This is what “dating” was like in 7th and 8th grade. So if that’s how old you folks are, then it sounds normal.

    If you’re in university or something, then I think you all sound immature and sheltered, and maybe Ally really likes Lee but is trying to figure it all out, doesn’t know how she really feels or how to talk about it, so she’d rather pretend nothing’s happening. Which I can understand, if her friends are so involved in her love life that they feel paranoid and like they should “intervene” in a literal 2-week dating thing.

    To be really blunt, I think you should crawl back out of your friend’s ass and let her figure her stuff out. Give her some space right now.

    #1091468 Reply

    You are waaay too concerned with your friends relationship. Two people can date for weeks or months and not yet know if it is likely to be a satisfactory match between them and certainly not yet consider themselves to be in a relationship. They may well not want to broadcast that they are dating during this time. Why the joke? Perhaps they were feeling that the friend group was too much into their personal business.

    #1091469 Reply

    I can think of a few possibilities.

    1) Ally dumped Lee for an embarrassing, and Lee convinced her to get back together and made up the whole “joke” thing as a really terrible cover.

    2) Lee is coming to terms with being not-straight, and this whole “if anyone asks why they broke up, Ally would just say she thought he was gay” is his way of coping, and Ally is going along with it for some reason.

    2A) Lee is lying to you, he’s been dumped because he revealed that he’s not-straight and Ally broke up with him over it, and he panicked and came up with this idiotic cover story about the breakup being a joke.

    3) They are interdimensional travels/space aliens trying to learn about this human trait called “humor” and failing miserably.

    Either way, the bottom line is you don’t have to do anything. Don’t get involved, don’t offer your opinion unless asked. Let them do this bizarre song and dance. And if they keep doing weird stuff like this, find better friends.

    #1091474 Reply

    “We believe there’s no need for other people to meddle in one’s relationship.”

    Is this a joke? Do you seriously not see that you have gone on for nine paragraphs about someone else’s relationship? Leave them alone! Holy crap! Look at what you’re doing and cut. it. out.

    #1091544 Reply

    FYI nailed it.

    And yes. Lee is most likely gay.

    #1091638 Reply

    I couldn’t get through all of this but don’t need to in order to tell you to mind your own business!!! My goodness.

    #1093510 Reply

    Just mind your own business and let them handle it. The best thing to do is just to not get up in your friend’s space bubble about it.

    #1093547 Reply

    I wholly agree on staying out of it entirely. If they bring up more “jokes” or subterfuge just “mmhmm” it and change the subject because the only two people who should care about two people dating are the two people.

    #1093605 Reply

    Sorry, I can’t get around the juvenile language and nature of this letter. It sounds like you’re in high school.

    #1093611 Reply

    Intervene… to do what? You sound completely out of place here. Just mind your own business and don’t engage with these friends’ private matters.

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