Worried for my Friend
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Hello
Need some advice about my friend whose husband has been in the hospital the last 3 weeks due to pneumonia. She is not responding to any calls or texts the last 2 weeks, making it impossible for me to know how he is doing. Initially she was replying to my texts and calls but now she has stopped. I visited her in the hospital couple of times and then suddenly we ( I and couple other friends) get this message from her to stop visiting them in the hospital due to the patient’s low immunity. The 3 of us and her used to be pretty close before this happened, and the other two live near her house and have been dropping off food for her kids etc. Otherwise, there are 2 of their family friends (who I dont know) who are staying at the hospital overnight and some of her neighbors who are possibly helping out with her kids. We have been reaching out to her sibling who is staying with her kids, but he just says there are no updates. She lives 40 minutes away otherwise I could have helped out with dropping off food to her kids etc. I don’t know what to do. Should I just give her space or keep reaching out? How can I help? Maybe there really are no updates (which is extremely worrying to hear), or maybe she has stuff sorted out with other friends who are closer to her. Please advise.
I’d take your friend’s silence as your cue to give her space and not continue reaching out for regular updates. It sounds like your behavior may have added stress to her life during an already-stressful time, even if it was well intentioned.
What are you looking for with these texts? Your friend’s spouse is likely on a ventilator without a great prognosis. Is that what you want to hear? There’s nothing you can do. I’m not trying to be mean, but literally there isn’t anything you can do and you’re asking her to take time and emotional energy to text you stuff that’s really painful. Don’t do that. Text her you’re thinking of her. Go on the weekend to drop food at her house for her kids. Get in touch with the people caring for the kids and offer to take them somewhere, or cook, or clean. Ask THEM for any updates. Don’t ask your friend.
My friend’s father died suddenly a few weeks ago. I sent her texts that didn’t require anything from her in return (I didn’t ask questions from her to answer; I just sent her messages that I was thinking of her). Because I wanted to send flowers and bc there were a couple other logistical questions I had, I reached out to her husband, who replied quickly. a couple weeks later, when my friend had had a little time to absorb the shock, she called me and said she really appreciated that I let her know I was there for her without requiring anything.
When people are in shock or are under a lot of stress, it’s best to do the things you can do that don’t require anything from them at all. if you need information, reach out to someone close to your friend, but don’t put any emotional labor on her, even if it’s a simple question that you think she could answer quickly. Even simply questions can feel overwhelming in an emotionally charged and physically draining situation.
