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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Wrong For Feeling This Way?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Wrong For Feeling This Way?

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 19 total)
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  • #1083544 Reply
    W.B.
    Guest

    Am I being selfish for feeling sad that my ex-girlfriend is falling for someone else and is with someone else? I feel sad because I think she’s amazing and want to be with her, and so it brought me so much joy to know she wanted to be with me and that I got to be with her. I feel like that’s natural to take joy in that during a relationship, but somehow I feel selfish now? Am I supposed to just think “I’m happy she’s happy” and not care at all about losing being someone she loved? Is that even realistic, to want to be with someone and not care that they don’t feel the same or that you can’t be with them?

    #1083551 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    No, these are very normal feelings. It would be best for you though if you cease any contact with her and block her on social so this isn’t in your face.

    #1083567 Reply
    W.B.
    Guest

    And I guess as a follow up is it possible, when you want to be with someone, to NOT be sad when you can’t be with them, or when they don’t want to be with you? Like is there a way for that situation to be true and not feel sad, or do you just have to stop wanting to be with them somehow?

    #1083581 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It takes time. And stopping keeping tabs on them, and meeting other people. You really just have to go through it.

    #1083602 Reply
    W.B.
    Guest

    Haha so that sounds like yes the only way is to stop wanting to be with them. I was asking if you could still want to be with them and not feel sad but maybe that’s not how humans work lol.

    #1084021 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    That’s not what I said.

    It’s like, if you’re trying to lose weight, do you go to the ice cream shop and hang around outside looking at the flavor list and watching people come out licking their cones? Do you keep a half-gallon of your favorite flavor in the freezer and keep opening the door to look at it? No. That’s self-sabotage and torture.

    When you break up with someone, it’s advisable to go no-contact and stop following or peeking at their socials. You don’t stop wanting them or caring about them, but you also don’t make it unnecessarily difficult to move on. And then, *with time*, it gets easier and you don’t feel as sad.

    #1084100 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Is it possible to really really really want something and not be able to have it and not be sad about it? Yes, but it’s a matter of likelihood/proximity. In your case, no, it’s not possible.

    Well, if you really really really want to be in a relationship with Rhianna and you are a high schooler in Idaho – then it’s unlikely and you probably will day dream about it but understand that it’s not possible so continue with your life without much issue.

    But in this case, this is your ex. You were together. You’re not together now and it sounds like she broke up with you. So she decided that this was not a good fit for her. So staying in touch and following her online is not healthy; like complaining about a headache while repeatedly knocking your head against a wall unhealthy. It’s not going to make your head feel better and it’ll probably make it feel worse.

    Step away, stop following her social media. Find ways to distract yourself. Eventually you will get over her, but I can guarantee you, the more you obsess over her, the longer you’ll be stuck in this place.

    #1084138 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Block them on social media. Do not follow up on their lives. It will make the process 1000 times easier. Fill your life with your own social activities. You are not the first person to go through a breakup. Minimize your awareness of them and give it time and things will get better.

    #1084314 Reply
    W.B.
    Guest

    Thanks everyone. Ironically, I had blocked her and all that pre-this chat so right now it’s memories that do me in. I guess I was asking because the thought of wanting someone who doesn’t want you back intuitively seems sad, and I was wondering if at some point you just have to replace someone to get over it. I have a hard time believing “with time” is enough unless replacement is also there

    #1084319 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Replacement? Think of it as moving on and progressing, gaining relationship experience, and being open to making connections. Simply “replacing” one girlfriend with another doesn’t necessarily help. They may not actually be right for you, and that causes all kinds of other problems.

    #1084348 Reply
    W.B.
    Guest

    Replacement is an ugly word, I know. I just can’t get the memories out of my head, even though we’ve shut off contact. I just can’t help but feel that I need to find someone new to stop wanting to be with her and then stop caring that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore/aren’t with her anymore. It’s hard to believe there’s any other way to stop wanting to be with her, and right now I want to stop wanting to be with her. You really think time will do that for me whether or not I meet someone new?

    #1084352 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    Yes. After some time, you’ll think about this person less and less. Everyone, or nearly everyone goes through with what you’re going through. The best way to move on is do thinks you enjoy and be around people you enjoy, I.e., living your life.

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