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“You’re too nice”: what are my friends seeing that I’m not?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “You’re too nice”: what are my friends seeing that I’m not?

  • This topic has 15 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by avatarslamy.
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  • #1009647 Reply
    avatarcapricornmars
    Guest

    I would consider myself a nice and generally agreeable person. I’m not afraid to voice my opinion or disagree if a situation came up. though. However, my friends would consider me “too nice,” and I’m not sure what to make of it? For example, my friend and I went out for drinks and she pointed out a girl’s shirt she thought was ugly. I said I wouldn’t wear it but didn’t think it looks that bad, let her be. “C’mon, you’re being too nice,” she says.

    The sarcastic, ball-buster of a man I’m dating has said the same thing. We’ve been seeing each other a little over a month and we’re still learning each other. I walked into his apartment after being in the snow and decided to take my boots off and not make the floor dirtier than it was. He said I didn’t have to, but given he often complains about having to mop, I said I didn’t mind. He insisted I don’t worry, but when I teased him back saying “it’s cool, just being nice to the floor haha” to which he says “You’re too nice, that’s the problem.” He laughed it off, but then I thought, is it really a problem? Is that a turn-off?

    I don’t like the idea of “too nice” because it sounds like being a non-confrontational doormat, when I’m just being authentic. Is too nice a thing?

    #1009655 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yes, too nice is a thing. But not the way you think. You’re thinking it means non-confrontational and doormat. In the contexts you gave, it’s more like holier-than-thou and boring. Now, with only those two mild examples, I can’t say how much of a problem it is, or if it even is a problem, but yeah. Your friend was making catty fashion observations for amusement and you shut it down and told her to leave the woman alone. Maybe better to just acknowledge what she said and change the subject instead of making a point. In the second instance, of course you were right to take your boots off, but just take them off and be done with it. “I’m being nice to the floor, haha?” What does that even mean? If he’s a guy with a sarcastic sense of humor and you’re earnest and unfunny, possibly you’re not the best match. In that instance, someone else might have said something like jeez Chad, I wouldn’t want you to have to mop (since apparently he’s always complaining about mopping?), or else not felt the need to try and make a joke but just taken the boots off.

    Anyway, hope this is helpful in some way.

    #1009657 Reply
    avatarallathian
    Guest

    Yeah, there’s such a thing as being too nice, but I’m not sure your examples qualify.

    I’m not a particularly nice person, but I have *opinions* about other people making judgmental statements about people’s looks or clothing in my hearing. I shut it down pretty quickly, especially if I suspect the person can hear the criticism. I don’t find catty fashion statements amusing at all.

    I don’t think you’re too nice in general, but you may be too nice for your boyfriend. I can be sarcastic at times, but I wouldn’t want to date a man who’s sarcastic all the time.

    #1009658 Reply
    avatarButtery
    Guest

    I’d agree that these aren’t examples of being too nice at all. If you have a friend who thinks you’re too nice because you decline to judge and categorize someone’s damn blouse I’d be a little concerned about that friend if I were you.
    True story – I actually dropped a friend who I introduced to another really sweet fun friend of mine. First friend (later) was all oh I don’t want to hang out with her any more because I only hang out with beautiful girls like “us”. Uhhm- what, no bitch. Not a hard decision.

    #1009659 Reply
    avatarCopa
    Participant

    I also agree that these aren’t examples of being “too nice.”

    Your friend said you’re too nice because you didn’t engage in or indulge her mean girl behavior. TBH, she sounds like a jerk. I don’t know how old you are, but I’d expect this from someone in their teens or early 20s. I probably would’ve participated in this kind of talk when I was about that age. Nowadays, I think I’d be surprised to hear a friend make a comment like this. If this is how your friend is all the time, you may want to rethink that friendship.

    I live in a cold weather region and taking your boots off so that you don’t track dirty, icy, watery footprints all over someone else’s home is a basic courtesy. I have no idea why he made the comment in this context because I’d think someone was clueless if they entered my place with their snow boots on.

    #1009676 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    I don’t think you are “too nice” either. What I think is that you have a friend and boyfriend that as not compatible with your personality and level of kindness and thoughtfulness…find more compatible relationships. Nothing wrong with you.

    #1009680 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Oh, I don’t know. Pretty much every outfit I see these days is worthy of being ripped to shreds.

    Perhaps indulge your friend a bit more.

    Pollyannas get awfully tiresome awfully fast.

    #1009682 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, my thing is, you don’t need to lecture your friend, who you presumably like, and who met you out for drinks. That’s not actually nice. Just go “mmm,” don’t engage in the catty talk, and pivot. Not that I think it’s terrible to critique strangers’ fashion. If she’s attacking the person’s looks or weight, that’s not cool, but you still don’t actually need to scold her.

    #1009686 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Is this like a humblebrag post?

    I agree with these examples you do sound more holier-than-thou and not able to take a joke more than too nice. “Too nice” is more like when you give and give and people please to your detriment.

    As for your bf, I don’t really understand who would even make taking your wet and dirty snow boots off as “too nice,” especially when in the month you’ve dated him he’s complained about having to mop so much. Bizarre.

    #1009690 Reply
    avatarcapricornmars
    Guest

    Appreciate the feedback! I wasn’t scolding my friend, i was just disagreeing lol

    #1009692 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    The part about “let her be” gets scoldy.

    #1009693 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    I think you and everyone making too much of interaction with your friends over comments about another woman’s attire.

    However, I think you and posters are making far too little of interaction with your bf. He frequently complained to you when he had to mop, yet said you were too nice for taking off your sopping wet boots? He’s playing mind games with you. It’s a way of establishing control. Only a month, consider MOA. Don’t be with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable about your basic nature/personality. Perpetual ball-busting sarcasm gets old fast.

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