Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Update: “Co-Parenting Dilemma” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Co-Parenting Dilemma” whose son’s biological dad was suddenly popping into their lives after years of near silence. She wrote: ” at 27 years old — had gotten his 17-year-old girlfriend pregnant, he finally wanted to father our child six years after he was born. Naturally, I wasn’t thrilled since he wouldn’t hold a job or put down the booze before.” Her biggest worry was that the bio dad wanted their son to sleep over at his place, a trailer he shares with “five or six other adults, a newborn, and two dogs,” an arrangement she didn’t feel comfortable with. Her update below:

Sorry it’s taken so long to update! Life has gotten busy. The girl is 18 now and their baby was born in May. My son has no interest in his donor, and as usual, he texts once every month and a half or two months. Empty texts like, “are you guys busy tomorrow?” When I reply yes, it’s a simple “okay” for the most part. No actual physical contact has been made in a few months, but he does apparently have a job he’s kept (it’s only taken six in a year!) and the teenager recently changed her Facebook bio to “step-mommy to MY SON’S FIRST AND LAST NAME.” As a mature adult, I am just ignoring it, but as the petty teen mom who actually raised my child, I want to knock her in the face and let her know the real abuse of having a child with the exact POS she’s glorifying… But at the end of the day, I’m engaged to a man who loves my little one like his own and has stepped up, we have our own place and jobs, and the little dude even asked if he could change his name after we get married (which is a whole new ballgame I need to dig into) so I know the ones who matter know and believe the truth.

PS: He started dating her when she was 16, crashing with her dad initially because they were friends, and he kept their relationship hush-hush until she was 17, which is when the pregnancy occurred. She turned 18 a couple months before the child was born. The members of the house are the girl, her father who allowed the relationship, my ex, the girl’s adult brother, and some 18-year-old kid they’re friends with. Her oldest brother is currently in prison for…..wait for it…..molesting one of her old boyfriends. All under the same roof of the father she’s still living with. The family is all a little dull, and at the end of the day, I know in my heart he knocked her up as his welfare food ticket, just like he was raised and just like he tried to make me do. I opted to work, though. I’ve worked my ass off to support my child.

Sorry for the novel, y’all. I appreciate all the feedback and advice, and here’s my update.

PPS. No, he doesn’t even have a booster. He had to borrow one from me before.

 
Thank you for the update! Keep taking the high road, which seems to be serving you and your son. It sounds like he — and you! — are doing really well. Best wishes to you for continued happiness, health, and success.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

83 comments… add one
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 1:33 pm

    Yikes, just yikes. I kindly suggest you let go of your long simmering hatred. It makes you (sound?) unpleasant and can’t be at helpful to your child.
    .
    Get off the fucking cross already.
    .
    Your whole holier than them routine stinks. Frankly, You come across as a needy, judgmental, self righteous brat. Sorry, to be so blunt — but go reread your own hateful letter. You are obsessed with how much better your are than your son’s relatives. They are dull and blah blah blah. You are so much better than them. Blah, blah, blah.
    .
    NEWSFLASH: Nothing in your entire rants paints you in a positive light. Far from it. Instead you gleefully portray yourself as vengeful and dangerous. Hell, You even routinely fantasize about knocking his stepmother in the face ? You sound… very deranged. And unstable. Seriously? Seek mental help.

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      metalmarvelmom September 5, 2019, 5:11 pm

      Yikes. Child molestors….Child? That alone is enough to put a foot down. Maybe you’re bitter, but she doesn’t sound crazy. Maybe you need help yourself.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 7:14 pm

        Eh… She’s not exactly a reliable narrator.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 1:35 pm

    PS. To Wendy. This update was the LOWEST highroad I have ever read. Your response here left me… confused.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy September 5, 2019, 1:44 pm

      Oh, Mark.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 2:05 pm

        She’s made zero effort to even let the guy see his kid. Instead — She just lies and blows him off. Sorry, but I am not impressed. 😉

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy September 5, 2019, 2:40 pm

        The dad has made zero effort to see his kid.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 2:52 pm

        Every time he calls to do so she blows him off by claiming to be “busy.” Busy doing what? Plotting to smack his GF in the face…? 🙀

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        Ange September 5, 2019, 5:04 pm

        He could easily ask to reschedule but doesn’t do it, it’s a single text message. Not to mention he could arrange to see the child regularly if he did such revolutionary things as go to court and pay child support.

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        saneinca September 6, 2019, 2:50 am

        At least she knows the people she is criticizing.
        What basis do you have to question her judgment ?

        Any kid is better off without trailer trash dads with child molesting room mates. If the LW wants to keep her kid away from such a loser dad, then all power to her.

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        LisforLeslie September 6, 2019, 7:23 am

        He could ask “I’d like to see kid. Are dates x, y, or z possible?” but per the OP – he says “free today” like the kid is an afterthought. I can understand her hesitancy to not let her kid go with a guy who is essentially a perfect stranger. A stranger who happens to live with Lester the Molester.

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    Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 2:31 pm

    Honestly, I thought this was a pretty ugly update, too.

    I mean, I’m glad the LW is in a stable place and her son isn’t being placed in a bad situation, and I definitely don’t think her son should be spending time alone in his father’s home, or even with his father alone outside the home at this point, but the bitterness and nastiness in the LW’s tone is clear.

    The LW is obviously carrying a lot of resentment and anger about this situation and it shows in the derogatory names — her son’s stepmother is “the girl” and “the teenager”; his father is “the donor”; the baby (or maybe the step mom?) is a “welfare food ticket” — the Facebook stalking, the brushing off inquiries about him seeing his son and the fantasies of violence. This is not a healthy attitude to be projecting around a 6-year old child about people who, like it or not, are part of his family. At bare minimum, he may at some point want to have a relationship with (or even meet?) his half-sibling. It’s the LW’s job to facilitate those relationships in a safe manner. She…is clearly not doing that. It may well backfire on her.

    Finally, food for thought, LW, any sort of adoption or name change may well have to be approved by the bio dad while the son is a minor. Courts don’t like to cut off one parent’s rights when that parent is making some sort of effort, even if it’s minimal. So, it might behoove you to fake a smile and allow your son and his bio dad and half-sibling to, you know, meet in public and stuff. Ruminating in bitterness and spewing insults isn’t going to make anything about this process easier.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 2:54 pm

      ^^ EXACTLY.

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      Hannanas September 6, 2019, 4:33 am

      Yes! This!

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 3:02 pm

    It’s also pretty darkly hilarious to see so much venom and hatred spewed towards a struggling teenager who is literally just making the same exact mistakes (as the LW) with the same exact mess of a man (hello again, LW). Newsflash, LW. The person you hate so much is basically you a few years back. Seek help.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom September 5, 2019, 3:17 pm

      This is what I was thinking.

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      Hannanas September 6, 2019, 4:33 am

      Oh also this!

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  • avatar

    Ange September 5, 2019, 5:07 pm

    Yikes! I wouldn’t be letting my kid anywhere near a house where child abuse had happened either. That said OP that girl is going to end up as much of a victim of that dude as you were, maybe try to have some compassion for her.

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      Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 8:17 pm

      I don’t think that anyone is suggesting that the LW send her son to the ex’s house. Just facilitate a supervised meet up or two.

      But, regardless, yeah, it’s sad and so easy to see how a 16-year old who is living with her dad and a bunch of random dudes and has a brother in jail, reportedly for molesting her boyfriend, would end up hooking up with a guy 10+ years her senior, pregnant and living in an overcrowded trailer. It honestly kind of hurts to read about how open this (very!!!) young woman is to trying to create an actual family atmosphere that is inclusive of her stepson juxtaposed with the venomous personal attacks against her spewing from a woman who claims to have been there, done that, left it all behind and has now done better.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 8:27 pm

        In her first post she said he was never unwelcome in their home. He came six times in a year.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 8:30 pm

        So you’re saying an abused girl’s need to create a family atmosphere? with her stepson trumps his own safety and well-being? This is a home where the older brother is in prison for molestation, and the girl was 16 when her decade-older bf impregnated her. Nothing she wrote says she’s said any of this around her son.

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        Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 8:40 pm

        @anonymousse: You clearly didn’t read the first paragraph of what I wrote. Where I specifically said no one thinks that the LW’s son should go to that trailer or be around them without her supervision. But to your larger point, empathy and compassion aren’t about your own experience; they’re about seeing things from another’s perspective. The LW doesn’t have to send her child into a molester-tolerant environment to appreciate that bashing a young women in the same position she was in a few years prior is petty, mean and beneath her.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 8:46 pm

        OMG, who cares what she writes about that poor girl here?

        She wrote in her first post that she hosted him coming to see her son. You clearly missed that part.

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    anonymousse September 5, 2019, 7:34 pm

    Umm, the hatred and venom toward her ex seems pretty warranted to me. She’s spent years being the sole parent to their child. With probably 99% of people in her situation we’d say do what’s best for you and your child. I can’t really fault her for wanting to keep her son safe and away from people who failed before- the brother in prison for molestation is my example. Not to mention the child bride. I don’t think her venom is directed at the kid exactly, it’s directed at the pedophile who impregnated a 16 year old with the blessing of her father. That situation at the trailer does not sound like a healthy place for a kid.

    Yeah, it’d be great if she facilitated a relationship, but from both her letters- nothing has changed. He texts once a month and never pulls through. She says her door is always open. Without a custody agreement or any visitation schedule, what does she owe her ex at this point? Her son has no interest in seeing him.

    I do agree she needs to stop with the social media shit. All it does is make you angry, LW.

    LW, you really need to consult a lawyer. File for sole custody and figure out the name change.

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      Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 8:31 pm

      Unfortunately, as the facts are presented, the LW probably currently has no real leg to stand on for sole custody. She certainly has grounds to claim child support, and I hope she does!! Can she seek primary custodial parent with him getting some kind of supervised, non-home visitation? She can. (Alternately, he can seek official visitation rights, too, by the way.) But regretting you procreated with an asshole does not grounds for sole custody make.

      P.S. Generally speaking, absent factors such as abuse or non-consensual conduct clearly not mentioned here, the expression of hatred and venom towards the parent of one’s child is never warranted, especially in front of that child.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 8:42 pm

        Okay, first of all, she never ever once wrote she speaks about him or this situation in front of her son, so you’re embellishing details here. This women is writing in to an advice column. She’s not speaking to her son in this text.

        How can you even claim she has no real leg to stand on for filing for full custody? How about she’s been the sole parent for years? He doesn’t work, has no home of his own and is staying in the former home of a molester with the girl he impregnated underage. The LW has a great case for sole custody, bolstered by the fact that supervised visits doesn’t not mean “custody.” Not to mention, it doesn’t seem a stretch that he’d not show up- exactly as he’s not been showing up for a long, long time.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 8:44 pm

        Absent abuse or non-consensual conduct?? He had sex with an underage girl!

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        Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 9:26 pm

        I can claim that because I’m a lawyer and procreating with a loser doesn’t get you sole custody, especially when that guy has a recent history of visiting or trying to and is reaching out and getting rebuffed with “we’re busy”. It just causes unnecessary drama to your kids. The court will go out of its way to make it so that both parents have an input in their child’s life. Why? Because the default is that “the best interest of the child” is to know it’s parents. As for the rest of your post: (1) she says in the update he does work now; (2) he does have a home – it’s in a crowded trailer which isn’t ideal, and I wouldn’t want a kid there, but he’s not homeless; (3) the molester is in jail, not in the trailer; and (4) the girl got pregnant (and married?) likely legal at 17, with her father’s permission. I agree none of that is what I’d want my kids alone in. But.. courts pay attention to those details. And none of them are disqualifying. So I’d advise the LW to be careful before she goes running to court screaming “sole custody!!!” She might not like the outcome. Be willing to deal when you’ve got cards to play, etc. once it goes to the judge, you lose all control.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 9:45 pm

        He’s texting “you busy tomorrow?” And then not following up. That’s hardly a concerted effort to be in his child’s life.

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  • avatar

    Ele4phant September 5, 2019, 7:34 pm

    I feel sympathetic to the new girlfriend (and the new baby).

    She’s the LW, ten years younger and even more vulnerable with no solid adults in her corner. She’s essentially a child at the start of a hard road the LW knows well herself.

    In all likelihood, Chuck will wander off on her too. Will she have the fortitude of the LW to do it on her own. Will she have the good fortune to find a loving supportive partner that accepts her child, like the LW did? Maybe not.

    I’m not suggesting the LW has to make best friends with this young woman. But I hope she can find it in her heart to soften how she feels about this young woman, instead of seeing her as some sort of enemy.

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  • avatar

    Purplestar September 5, 2019, 7:35 pm

    The only reason the son “has no interest in his donor” is because he has been taught to have no interest. I can imagine the on going diatribe about the bio father that spews from the LW. Yeah, he is not going to win father of the year – probably ever – but LW should not be turning the child against him. In the end that will backfire.

    All kids, especially 6 year old boys, want to know their father. Even if they have a perfectly great male figure in their life. They wind up idealizing the bio father in the absence of actually knowing the person. Letting them have a relationship with the dad – even if it is sporadic – even if the man is unreliable about showing up – allows the child to see who that man is and allows them to decide if they want the Dad in their lives.

    The flip side is this situation – the child hearing only negative things about the Dad. Dad could grow up and become a responsible person and be nothing like the boy LW had a baby with and talked poorly about. Then in 10 years the son wonders what LW thought was wrong with the guy and resents LW for keeping him from the Dad – who is now a perfectly reasonable guy.

    I agree with Mark – this LW has a lot of hate and that is not healthy for her or anyone around her….especially her son.

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    • avatar

      saneinca September 6, 2019, 2:57 am

      Sometimes having a wrong role model for a father is worse than having no father at all.

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      Ange September 7, 2019, 6:35 am

      He’s well in his 20s and impregnating teens, how long are we supposed to give men to actually grow up and, you know, follow the law? Jesus the excuses for this dirtbag…

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    anonymousse September 5, 2019, 8:16 pm

    We have no evidence she speaks ill of him. Some parents are actually able to keep that kind of stuff to themselves. Some parents can act like an adult. I don’t take her anonymous venting to DW as what she tells her son.

    The best thing you could do, is get a lawyer and file. If you think your exes living situation is not good, let the record state that.

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      anonymousse September 5, 2019, 8:24 pm

      I’m shocked at the vitriol being directed at a woman who has been the sole parent to her child for years with no contact from the ex until recently. Yes, so weird for her to not want to give someone who basically abandoned his child years ago visitation at his tiny home filled with various adults, including his gf who was a child! when he impregnated her, her father who let that happen, and other assorted people. Whoa, her anger is so much worse than his reality! JFC.

      The reality is, her son is in real danger going to that house. The older brother molested some other boy. The gf had her first child at 16 by a man a decade older. That place is fucked up, and I don’t blame her at all for protecting her son.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 9:08 pm

        Learn to fucking read already. The girl became pregnant at 17. SEVENTEEN. And possibly had the child at 18. Not ideal to be sure. Another reason why I am PRO-ABORTION… but you keep screaming in post after she had a baby at 16. She didn’t.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 9:25 pm

        Wow, 17 is so vastly different Mark. They got together when she was 16. Maybe you should fucking learn how to read already. I never thought I’d see you screaming anger at a mother badmouthing her ex to Wendy (I wonder what you’d do in her position) and defending an actual pedophile.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 9:29 pm

        Actually, I never repeated 16 over and over, either, I used the words underage, and child- both which describe a 16, 17 year old, girl perfectly.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 5, 2019, 10:39 pm

        It’s in at least two of your posts… you are gaslighting now like Trump. 😉

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy September 6, 2019, 5:32 am

        Yes to all of this. I am shocked by the defense of the bio dad in these comments and the vilification of the one parent who has actually raised her kid and wants to protect him from the real danger — emotional and physical — of being involved in a deadbeat dad who, at best, has a history of terrible judgment and neglecting and disappointing his son, and at worst has a history of pedophelia. No shit the LW sounds resentful and bitter in her response here. But as long as she isn’t expressing that anger to or in front of her son and she’s open to the bio dad making a concerted effort to see his son and not standing in his way, I consider that “taking the high road.”

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        Kate September 6, 2019, 5:40 am

        Agree. She doesn’t have mental health issues she needs to “get help” for. She’s a single formerly teen mom with an ex who lives in a trailer with an alleged pedophile and impregnated another teenager. Yeah, she’s misdirecting anger at the new teenage girlfriend, which she should get over, and no, she shouldn’t talk shit about the kid’s dad to the kid (but there’s no mention that she does). For the most part this just sounds like normal bitterness toward a deadbeat ex.

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        Kate September 6, 2019, 6:25 am

        I just saw her update and she took the extreme criticism pretty well.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 6, 2019, 11:32 am

        Sigh… The pedophile is in prison. Can nobody here read with comprehension lately? There is also zero evidence the home looked away from or tolerated abuse as the guy is fucking in prison.

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        Kate September 6, 2019, 11:49 am

        Who cares if he is or isn’t in jail at the moment? It’s the kind of environment where kids get harmed. A dad who lets a late-20s man shack up with his teenage daughter, kids being abused by family members. Safety rules not being followed (appropriate car seats, drinking and driving). It’s gross.

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      Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 9:12 pm

      Sure. It’s totally coincidental that her 6 or 7-year old child expresses *to her* he has no interest in meeting his “donor” and she spews this venom like it’s the kool kid thing to do. She’s either lying about what her kid is telling her or he’s telling her what he’s picked up on that she wants to hear. Why is it so hard to accept that bashing your ex (that you chose to have a child with!!) is petty and immature?

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 9:23 pm

        I could care less that she bad mouthed in him her letter to DW. I never said it was right or mature, either. He’s a pedophile deadbeat dad! I’m surprised you’re defending him so staunchly.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 9:27 pm

        You know what, I had a shitty bio dad. A judge asked me if I wanted to see him, and I didn’t! Going to visit a no-show deadbeat in a bad place for a kid isn’t fun when you are a kid.

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        Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 9:32 pm

        No one is defending him. We’re criticizing her response and update, which was petty, immature and shitty. And, in my case, really hoping she doesn’t take this bitter-fest down a custody dispute that drags her kid through the trenches before it’s all done and results in a judgment she can’t control.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 9:41 pm

        I’m surprised a “lawyer” makes up so many details.

        It’s definitely not always in the best interest of the child to know each parent.

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        anonymousse September 5, 2019, 9:44 pm

        I’m sure criticizing her update is really going to go far with her. What’s the point of masking her feel bad when she writes in? This isn’t court, this is a fucking advice website. Who cares if the feelings she vented on here were petty and immature? She’s been raising her kid along for years. She’s allowed to be petty and angry. I truly doubt she’s going to file for anything or that her ex would actually make any motion himself.

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        Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 10:00 pm

        LOL @anonymousse. I’m just gonna leave it at, um, this is why there are schools and tests and stuff for lawyers. Turns out, judges don’t care what you personally think or believe. There are facts and laws and all.

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        anonymousse September 6, 2019, 7:40 am

        LOL yes FACTS! Not subjective opinion like you are using. Not to mention, this is no court of law- this is an advice site. It’s nice you had a great childhood with divorced parents. That’s your anecdote that fits your storyline, starkly different than the situation here.

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      Miss MJ September 5, 2019, 9:51 pm

      And, since we’re anecdoting it, I grew up with divorced parents who had issues with each other, but sucked it up because we (their kids) were more important than their shit. My brother and I are vastly better people due to their ability to put us before themselves. (And shocker(!) they are better people too for putting it behind them and moving the fuck on already.) They were married young, had kids young, had drama and a divorce (none of the whys I learned until much later!) and new spouses, etc. drama. Now, we can all spend important events and holidays together. Because they made it happen. Being the adult means being the adult. Even when it sucks.

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    Itsmypost September 5, 2019, 9:48 pm

    It’s me, the evil psychotic monster. I didn’t realize how much backlash I would get for venting about the frustration of the ex popping in given his circumstance. Though this was updated in a very ranting manner, I do smile and suck up all of the teenage drama from their end. No, I’m not amused that a girl who doesn’t know my son is pretending to be his mommy of the year. I tried to be a friend to her, but with his dipping in and out, her in and out came with it. I do feel bad for her, it’s sunshine and gumdrops while he’s immobile, but I know once he’s walking she’ll be on her own. She’s a naive victim of Stockholm syndrome, just like I was for years, and I do feel for her and the baby. But I’ve got this giant baby that I’ve raised, and his behavior totally shifts when the bio dad pops in. (I work in psych, so I’m familiar with the signs) and usually within a week of him popping in, my child shows signs of depression and has even resulted in him scratching himself in a fit of rage over the tiniest things. We took him to see a counselor and he always redirects to Pokemon or puppies when prompted, so he’s holding in plenty of issues that seem to trigger every time he pops in. We told him at the dinner table about a month ago that his dad texted and he said he just wants to see his brother. Given the control his father still apparently gets off on having, how does anyone propose I borrow their child to fulfill my child’s wish?

    I could write a novel with years of torment and abuse together to get all the points and details, but I’m trying to avoid so. I just like knowing that my child isn’t potentially getting molested, dying in a drunken car crash without even being in a booster in the first place, or laying on a pallet on the floor alone and uncomfortable.

    Ill words aren’t spoken of any party around my child, which is probably why this came out in a toxic manner. I needed a damn rant. My own bitchiness set aside, I still don’t feel wrong for feeling the resentment of him bobbing in and out. When you text me at 8:30 pm on Thursday and ask if we have plans Friday…..yea, we usually do. We do do things often. We’ve been through enough when his bio and I were together, and although I’m engaged to someone else and we’re making our lives together, I’m still supposed to jump on his command? Nope. Can’t do it.

    Lastly, I was informed recently that with an absent/unsopportive parent out of the picture and a ready and willing step parent to adopt, that most judges may terminate rights to ensure the best interest of the child.

    I bet if I pushed for child support he would dip out forever.

    Thanks for listening to my additional rant, and thank you everyone for the input, good, bad and even ridiculous. <3

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      Rava September 6, 2019, 8:38 am

      Thank you for the update, OP! Above as well as here in the comments. I’m sorry some people interpreted your rant the way they did, and TBH I personally was a bit on the fence too, but your response here clarifies a lot and also shows what you “sound” like when you’re not ranting. Though I do think you were allowed to do just that 🙂 And looking back on it, I really like how Wendy recognized that. I wish you all the best in the future, I hope the advice here helped.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 6, 2019, 11:41 am

        People should learn to write better fucking letters. You know? Perhaps actually favor putting in vital, relevant info instead of just a long, deranged, emotional rant of fantasizing violence.
        .
        That said — much of my original disgust lied with the dismal way you regard the STEP MOM. You have a bizarre competition thing going here. Why are you so threatened by her claiming to be your son’s stepmom on FB?
        .
        NEWSFLASH! Legally, she IS the step mom. Fact.

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        saneinca September 6, 2019, 3:52 pm

        A girl who hardly spent any time raising her husband’s child, claiming that child’s step-mom hood as her identity in FB does not have any stalking implication at all. None whatsoever!

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom September 6, 2019, 1:29 pm

      Thanks for being there for your son. He’s lucky to have you and his stepdad. I’ve known a number of kids who wanted to change their name to either the mother’s maiden name or to the stepdad’s name. Kid’s are allowed to give up on a loser parent and become attached to a much better parent even if that much better parent isn’t a biological parent. How many kids get the difference between biological and non biological at the age of 6. Kids know who is there for them and kids are loyal to whoever that is and identify with whoever that is and want to be a part of the family of whoever that is.

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      Ange September 7, 2019, 6:39 am

      Legally Mark I think she’s no such thing if they’re not married.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 7, 2019, 1:39 pm

        You may be right. I thought she said they were married somehow. At any rate the way she is so threatened by this doomed teenager is not exactly a sign of wisdom, maturity or even security. But I am sure the LW will soon be named mommy of the decade. 🙄

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    Lee September 6, 2019, 11:10 am

    OP, you sound like a very caring mom. I think you’re doing it exactly right. And I completely understand why you would want to have the situation resolved. And also why it would bother you that she’s posting about the fact that she’s stepmother of the year to a child she barely knows. Best wishes to you and your child.

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    Rangerchic September 6, 2019, 11:30 am

    Oh my word. I was in a similar position at 18 that this LW was. And LW you’ve done a wonderful job of raising and watching out for your son. I to eventually found a much better person and he did adopt my daughter. The bio-dad didn’t want anything to do with her until he got the adoption notification. Even then, all he did was reach out once to me (in which I told him to contact my lawyer). He never did because he really didn’t care. He just wanted to cause drama/try to control the situation.

    So – all those people trying to defend the bio-dad don’t really understand that sometimes a parent figure who is that toxic is worse than not having one at all. I’m glad you’ve found someone who will be a good father. I’m in your corner rooting for you.

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      ktfran September 6, 2019, 12:32 pm

      Agreed! And is it really so hard to believe that a child would prefer to call and be adopted by a present, loving male than an absentee father who only wants to hang when it’s convenient? I mean seriously people.

      To note, I’m agreeing with you and calling out the earlier commenters about how a child couldn’t possibly come to this conclusion on his or her own. Children are smarter than you think.

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    ele4phant September 6, 2019, 1:11 pm

    Okay, the comments here are getting it out of control.

    I find it somewhat interesting that the amount of vitriol being released on the letter writer…about how much vitriol she has towards her ex. I mean…pot meet kettle?

    Could she be more graceful about the situation? Sure, couldn’t we all.

    It seems like she’s done a bang up job of single handily raising a happy, healthy seven year old in the face of some pretty tough odds.

    Would it behoove her to reflect on her attitudes towards her ex, his girlfriend and maybe let some resentment go? Sure, if nothing more than it would probably be good for her own mental health to stop carrying some of that weight around. Should she continue to facilitate a relationship between her son and her ex? Sure, with boundaries that are appropriate and safe for her son, and without bending over backwards for every last minute request the ex puts on her.

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    SweetT September 6, 2019, 1:12 pm

    We all rant. You just can’t let the rant and negative feelings have a hold on your life.

    I had a similar situation with my daughter. Her father terminated his rights when she was 6 months old. His family was not great and none of them could keep jobs. He went on to have 4 more kids with different women but he raised them as a single dad. I was extremely angry with him for being a deadbeat and having no contact with her.

    But I didn’t want my anger to spill over to my daughter so I worked on letting it go. I spoke truthfully but not negatively about him when she asked. When she was 14, she asked me to reach out to him as she wanted to at least speak with him. To find out if they had anything in common. She’s almost 20, and they talk maybe 2xyear and meet for dinner once every blue moon.

    She thanked me the other month for setting aside my feelings to let her figure out how she felt about him. Kids are smart. She knew I didn’t like him and still don’t but she also knew I didn’t make her grow up hating him.

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    Itsmypost September 6, 2019, 4:14 pm

    I’m still overwhelmed by the responses here. I’m not denying for a minute that my rant was petty or insanely bitchy, and I truly value everyone’s constructive criticism. I’m not a psycho that gets off on the thought of the girl’s mangled face, it was creative speech I used in the moment of my rant. I do pity her, but she’s currently the same dumbass brainwashed teenager that I used to be. If someone would have came and knocked me in the head and told me I was a fucking idiot when I was 18 with a baby on my own, maybe life would be better now. But I’m not wanting to change the past BECAUSE surprisingly, baby daddy in and outs set aside, my life is great. The fact that he’s 7 and I haven’t pushed for custody or child support stands proof that the door is open until my child wishes to close it…or so I figured. I know, pushing for child support would likely break them since he is working at minimum wage and already struggling.

    As for the molester being in prison, I get that. He’s not present. But the father of the teenager and the prisoner was under the same roof at the time of the crimes and allowed a 27 year old man into his 16 year old daughter’s bedroom. That says a lot about the eldest member of the household, not to mention that he knowingly impregnated a girl so young. He’s never been one to much keep an eye on the kid, even when we were together. What should lead me to believe my child would be supervised and safe now, given the history of obviously unsafe conditions for children.

    And, lastly….to dumb down the “competetion” thing that’s going on for Mark, imagine raising a life, but dumb it down to compare it to a group project. Think of the irritation or resentment of being the guy doing all the work while the slackers who never touched the project since the group was assigned basking in all the glory of what they didn’t help with in the least. If either of them had actually taken responsibility, contributed, and balanced, then I would respect them. But they haven’t. Aside from his help making the baby, it’s been all me up until the first post I sent in. Yes, I made a bitchy rant. No, I’m not crazy or unjustified for resenting them, their effects on my kid, decisions, or anything else.

    I’m sure as shit not going to stop our lives and mope until I get a “busy?” Text so I can truly not be busy. What’s the sense in that? We would just be playing along and allowing ourselves to be stuck in his web.

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      Rhoda September 6, 2019, 5:33 pm

      Only one person is ranting about you. Relax, most people fully realize why you’d feel bitter about someone who just walked back into your life as if he thought you should just pick up where you left off.
      He sounds like the sort of man who specifically seeks out much younger partners in order to have someone naive and inexperienced to have control of.

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        Itsmypost September 6, 2019, 6:48 pm

        That’s exactly his thing. Dumb teenagers (both myself in the past and the current girl) are perfect because at that age we believe anything and play the games. I hope she grows up and gets away from it too…maybe sooner than I did, even. Until that day comes, I know she’s being manipulated and controlled by him, so there’s no chance of friendship with the girl while he’s got his hooks in her.

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      Kate September 6, 2019, 5:38 pm

      Oh, don’t justify yourself to him. Quit while you’re ahead.

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        Itsmypost September 6, 2019, 6:49 pm

        Good point. It’s almost like arguing with the ex himself. Lol.

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    dinoceros September 6, 2019, 6:30 pm

    Counseling might be good. While I agree that your hatred is not undeserved, it’s still detrimental to the person doing the hating, no matter whether it’s for a good reason or not.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark September 6, 2019, 11:43 pm

      Exactly. It’s petty and ugly. And frankly, not healthy for kids to be around. But whatever.

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        Kate September 7, 2019, 5:35 am

        Yeah, she should go check herself into a psych ward and leave the kid with his deadbeat pedophile dad who lives in a trailer with a guy who’s got a pedophile son and allows grown men to have sex with his teenage daughter. That’s a healthier environment.

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        ele4phant September 7, 2019, 2:39 pm

        Mark – would it kill you to grant her an ounce of the grace you demand she give her ex?

        Do you really think your message is going to be received if you couch it in this caustic tone?

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 7, 2019, 5:18 pm

        Please. She has yet to even be vaguely civil or neutral to the guy that she willingly and stupidly had a flipping baby with. And then dumps endlessly on somebody — gleefully fantasizing about beating a teenage up even whose only crime is making the same mistakes the LW herself made with the same sorry sad sack of shit.

        She’s still probably making lousy mistakes.

        I damn well hope this new guy is all she claims — because NEWSFLASH the number of kids abused and raped by “fabulous” stepparents while dumbass parents willingly look the other way is fucking astounding. Way higher than the number abused by priests even.
        .
        So while I sincerely hope this new guy is amazing. I suspect not. Prediction: The next update will be a rant about him. How trashy he is. How great she is even thought he left her saddled with yet another baby and blah blah blah.
        .
        It’s depressing. No wonder America is so lost. And so stupid. Only idiots keep popping out babies. I give up. Peace out on this letter.

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        Kate September 7, 2019, 10:22 pm

        This is crazy that you’re concerned about the kid being abused by the current fiancé we know nothing about, and not at all concerned that he could be abused in a household where actual abuse has happened.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 8, 2019, 3:16 am

        That abuser is OUT of that house. You know, locked up. And in prison. And when was this anyway? The brother abused the much hated teen mom’s boyfriend at the time? This whole bit of the story sounds suspect to me.

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        Kate September 8, 2019, 5:03 am

        The little boy is what, 6? The brother could get out of jail well before he’s grown.

        And seriously?? The girl is 18 now. She could have had like a 12, 13, 14 yr old bf at some point who her older brother molested.

        It’s also frankly child abuse to allow a grown man to move in and bang your underage daughter.

        Again, abuse happened in this household where you want this boy to be spending time. That is bananas.

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        Ele4phant September 8, 2019, 2:31 pm

        Taking the peodophile out of the equation – we’re talking about a household in which the main adult allowed another ADULT MAN to have sex with his underage daughter, impregnating her.

        And LW is the one creating a dysfunctional home life for her child? Get outta here Mark.

        I agree counseling might be good just to free her of some of the resentment she’s had to carry around. I am sympathetic to the young teenage mother and I hope LW can lighten up there (not to say she has to change anything she’s going l, just remind herself this young woman is in the same boat she once was), and she should still let her ex and son have a relationship, within limits.

        Key being within limits. She can insist the visits be safe and supervised. She doesn’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate his very last minute requests if she had standing plans.

        But you are too much here in your characterization of her. Even compared to your normal cynicism, you’re too much even for yourself on this one.

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        Kate September 8, 2019, 3:45 pm

        And just the irony of deciding that this woman must be a bad mom because she made the bad decision to get pregnant as a teen, while you defend the guy who deliberately impregnated two teens that we know of! And the double irony that you’re criticizing her for that and also criticizing her for criticizing the other teen for exactly the same thing.

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      anonymousse September 8, 2019, 7:10 pm

      Abuse is often learned behavior. Considering the teenager’s father allowed an adult man to date, have sex with, impregnate his underaged daughter doesn’t give me much hope that previous child molestation was a one off.

      Sha said she was venting, Mark. Get the fuck over it. You vent all over this site all the time. We all know the real reason you’re standing firm on badmouthing her is because it is a woman writing in.

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    Clementine September 9, 2019, 4:51 pm

    BGM is out of line. The LW has clarified her situation and her emotions twice already. Still, BGM continues to shriek and throw an absolute tantrum about her tone of voice. Pot, I give you a glass house:

    “She has yet to even be vaguely civil or neutral to the guy that she willingly and stupidly had a flipping baby with.”
    (Texting “no” is civil. LW allowing her son to decide if he wants to see bio dad is civil. Allowing multiple visits and loaning biodad a booster to facilitate their time together is civil. Hell, she’s even avoided asking for child support payments because she suspects he can’t afford it, and because she’s concerned it would permanently sever any future hope of a meaningful connection between son and biodad. That’s more than civil, it’s downright compassionate).

    “No wonder America is so lost. And so stupid. Only idiots keep popping out babies. I give up. Peace out on this letter.”
    (The LW has one son. And ‘peace out’ was a lie, he had to leave a vile comment again because he is weirdly emotionally invested in LW’s life).

    BGM, you’re toxic to this thread and outnumbered in opinion. Slink away.

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      Clementine September 9, 2019, 4:54 pm

      “People should learn to write better fucking letters. You know? Perhaps actually favor putting in vital, relevant info instead of just a long, deranged, emotional rant of fantasizing violence.”
      (Passive aggressive much? All BGM’s subsequent replies are more testerical than his previous).

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